When you can practically smell the sunscreen and taste the piña colada on your lips, you know it’s the season of the summer beach reads! And if you’re looking for some suggestions, there’s no shortage of lists. There are brainy beach reads, steamy beach reads, lighthearted beach reads, beach reads that will scare you, excite you, educate you…
But one list is conspicuously absent.
And you can only find it here at the Barnes & Noble Book Blog: the list of literary releases that are most definitely not summer beach reads. The ten titles below will not only detract from your fleeting moments of sun-soaked relaxation, they may very well ruin your entire day.
10. McGraw-Hill’s Taxation of Individuals and Business, 2014 Edition
What better time to catch up on the new tax regulations than during a day at the beach with this 1,280 page shelf-bender? Not.
9, 8, 7, and 6. Dear Creature, by Jonathan Case, The Underwater Menace, by Nigel Robinson, Giant Killer Eels by Stuart Neild, and Jaws, by Peter Benchley
If you’re vacationing near a large body of water, I highly recommend avoiding these books, which feature killer sea monsters, freaky aliens, giant eels, and hungry sharks.
5. 3-D Extreme Piranha and Other Underwater Killers, Full Color 3-D with 3-D Glasses Inside, by John Starke
Reading about killer piranha and other underwater nightmares near any body of water is just testing fate in my opinion—not to mention that wearing the 3-D glasses on the beach will make you look insane.
4. Extreme Encounters: How It Feels to Be Drowned in Quicksand, Shredded by Piranhas, Swept Up in a Tornado, and Dozens of Other Unpleasant Experiences… by Greg Emmanuel
The subtitle says it all.
3. The Survival Medicine Handbook: A Guide for When Help is Not on the Way by Joseph Alton
Although the tips herein certainly may come in handy, I’m guessing the majority of people out there don’t want their summer beach reads to include instructional guides on how to treat diarrhea, dehydration, and heat stroke.
2. Caillou: At the Beach, by Marion Johnson
While this book, which chronicles Caillou’s adventures at the beach, is an undoubtedly delightful reading experience for toddlers, it honestly freaked me out a little. Frankly, it’s terrifying to imagine living in a world where everyone is incessantly happy—and no one has fingernails, teeth, or nipples…
1. Wicked Bugs: The Louse That Conquered Napoleon’s Army & Other Diabolical Insects, by Amy Stewart
This incredibly insightful and unfortunately illustrated book is guaranteed to have you scratching yourself raw. Here’s just a taste of what you’re in for: “The midge, which is more commonly called a no-see-um in the United States, is a tiny black fly that likes to congregate around beaches and lakes, making it a serious irritant for vacationers… Biting midges are known as pool feeders. They like to break the skin and simply lap up the blood that seeps out…”
And we haven’t even mentioned sand fleas and sand spiders yet.
Yep. Sand spiders.