Size six. Aquamarine eyes. Perfect mirror images with perfectly contradictory personalities. Oh, you minions of Francine Pascal—you’ve lovingly ghostwritten a flawless duo for the ages! Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield, may you ever be frozen in time in your sunny utopia, where, if you’re super-pretty times two, nothing that bad can ever happen. Uh, except that one time Liz ended up in a coma, or when she killed her sister’s boyfriend. Or when Jess was taken by a cult, got lost at sea, and, like dyed her hair black. And then they both ran away at least once, but of course they came back, because who wouldn’t want to live in a split-level ranch house?!
Through all the dramz, one thing remained crystal clear: only one twin can rule us all. And if you guessed Elizabeth, the ole ball and chain to Jessica’s wild-stallion soul, kindly see yourself out. It’s always been Jess, right? Shallow, vain, bitchy, manipulative, sensational Jessica. Worst human being=best twin by a crocodile mile.* And in case you forgot why, allow these quotes to remind you to bow down properly.
1. Because she understands that without a bowtie and pants, a tuxedo shirt might as well be a sack of garbage. And let’s be real, there’s NO WAY Liz could pull off an outfit of this magnitude. Please.
“This sounds like a job for my new tuxedo shirt,” Elizabeth offered…
“Could I wear the pants too? … And the little bow tie?”
—Sweet Valley High #1: Double Love
2. Because “that nonsense” is probably the school newspaper or a test or Enid Rollins or whatever. Nope. Sorry. Jessica’s number-one priority is being tan.
“Oh, Liz, that nonsense is about seven hundred and thirty-seventh on my list of concerns.”
—SVH #4: Power Play
3. Because in this—the book in which her twin sister just woke up from a damn coma— Jessica is bold enough to say that having to babysit instead of going out on a date is worse than her twin sister being in a coma.
“It’s not fair. It’s absolutely the most unfair thing that’s ever happened to me in my entire life!” Jessica stormed as she opened the front door.
—SVH #7: Dear Sister
4. Because this B has AQUAMARINE EYES. Does she NEED eye makeup?! NO. But that’s not gonna stop her from bringin’ it every. single. day.
Elizabeth turned to see Jessica staring into a tiny pocket mirror. “I am a mess,” she repeated, wailing. “I’ve absolutely ruined my eye makeup.”
—SVH #14: Deceptions
5. Because whoever this guy is—he just got served. Not hamburgers, shade. On a silver platter. (And also, you know Lila just taught her what “gauche” and “haute cuisine” meant, like, the day before this.)
“‘Hamburgers are gauche,’ Jessica told him. What I like is called haute cuisine. You guys probably don’t know what that means.’”
—SVH #20: Crash Landing!
6. Because she made it all the way to 16 years of age and has no basic life skills. Jessica, you beautiful sorceress, you.
“Now, how in the world does this thing work?” Jessica muttered, staring at the washing machine.
—SVH #22: Too Much in Love
7. Because she requires a rocking chair at her cheerleading practice and, no, it is not for you to understand.
“I have to go,” Jessica announced. “The cheerleaders are meeting over at Helen Bradley’s house. She’s got a rocking chair, and we have to practice.”
—SVH #28: Alone in the Crowd
8. Because Jessica is the Joan Collins of Sweet Valley. If this were Dynasty, Jessica would be wearing a big hat, slapping everyone, and being thrown into a duck pond, like, daily.
“‘Why not?’ Jessica asked gaily, cutting herself a piece of cake. ‘I’m sure it was just a little spat,’ she added. ‘It happens on my favorite soap opera all the time. No engagement counts unless it’s been broken at least twice.’”
—SVH #34: Forbidden Love
9. Because she thinks suspicious characters are just, like, all from Indiana.
“He seems so jumpy whenever you ask him anything personal.”
“That’s true,” Jessica conceded. “I thought that was the Midwestern style, I guess.”
—Super Thriller #2: On the Run
10. Because Enid Rollins could shout “This house we’re all in right now is on fire!!” and no one would give a crap. But Jessica wants to call a very obviously alive woman a ghost? People are all ears.
“You guys, this is weird! I think Barbara is a ghost!”
—Super Thriller #3: No Place to Hide
11. Because, quite honestly, we believe she WOULD die if she went more than 5 minutes without hearing herself speak. She’s like a baby who just found out how to talk. A beautiful, blonde baby who drives a cherry-red convertible and has a Spanish-style kitchen. And is perfect. And is a size six.
“Are you kidding? Me with my mouth shut all night? I’d die!” Jessica exclaimed.
—SVH #45: Family Secrets
12. Because she thinks it’s cool to have a theory about men when she DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO USE A WASHING MACHINE. And it is. If she wrote a blog today, everyone would read it.
“Pushing herself up off the bed, Jessica sauntered over to the mirror and critically examined her face. ‘My theory about men is that you have to make them do what you want,’ she explained.”
—SVH #52: White Lies
13. Because the name of this book is Two-Boy Weekend and you KNOW neither boy had anything to do with that wet mop Elizabeth. Plus, despite her admission, if we know Jess, she was in all actuality totally staying cool.
“It’s hard to stay cool when a psycho’s after you.”
—SVH #54: Two-Boy Weekend
14. Because she caaaaaan.
In fact, not too long ago she had contemplated falling in love with Ken for lack of anything better to do.
—SVH #58: Brokenhearted
15. Because she wants to lead a glamorous life filled with marvelous wonders and tacky richness and we can’t fault her for that.
“‘They’re probably all so glamorous,’ Jessica said, a dreamy expression on her face. ‘Talk to them about yachting, horses, flying the Concorde to Paris.’”
—SVH #59: In Love Again
16. Because she’s not afraid to call out basic blondes, even in cult situations.
There was only one blonde in the room, and she didn’t even have a tan.
—SVH #82: Kidnapped by the Cult!
+ One to grow on:
17. Because she speaks “lazily” about GRAND THEFT AUTO.
“Where’s our Jeep?” Elizabeth demanded. “And what are you doing with Bruce’s car?”
“Oh,” Jessica said lazily. “That. I stole it.
—SVH #86: Jessica Against Bruce
Aaaand 737 thank yous go out to these fine blogs for doing the lord’s work and being an awesome reference:
A Critical Analysis of Sweet Valley’s Most Famous Twins
Shannon’s Sweet Valley High Blog
*Oh, and if we were for really real choosing the biggest and best sass factory in all of Sweet Valley—we’re not, but if we were—true fans know it’s Lady Lila Fowler of the Powder Blue Princess Phone. She deserves this shoutout. She demands it.
Who’s the better twin: Jessica or Elizabeth?