5 Celebrity Memoirs We’d Love to Read

jamesfranco0311132When Lena Dunham’s memoir Not That Kind of Girl: A Young Woman Tells You What She’s Learned is released next year, she’ll join Bill Clinton, Tina Fey, and Dustin “Screech” Diamond in the ultra-exclusive celebrity memoirist club. My guess is there will be a lot of awkward chit-chat about the weather at that cocktail party.

Celebrity memoirs are the great equalizer. It doesn’t matter if you’re a former President or a quilting enthusiast with a penchant for awkward titles, as long as you have a story to tell, you can write a memoir. Here are 5 memoirs we would love to read this year.

5. Nicolas Cage

Title: Caged Heat

Book Jacket Blurb: “I wrote this.” —Nicolas Cage

How Much We’d Pay to Read This Book: $80.00

Sample Text: “As an actor, I try to incorporate many of the things I hate in my day-to-day life in my work. For example, I find that bees are evil and trees to be a little too pompous for their own good. Here’s a fact: trees can’t walk. When I find myself debating someone who is ‘pro tree,’ which is quite often, I always ask them if trees can walk. When they answer no, I reply, ‘Exactly. You’ve been Caged.’ I’ve never lost an argument.”

Even if the original Nicolas Cage refuses to write a memoir, there’s still hope that Clone Nicolas Cage may write one. Fingers crossed.

4. Chuck Norris’s Right Hand

Title: Hands Down: The Right Hand for the Job…of Saving the Planet

Book Jacket Blurb: “The best book ever written about a body part. Hands down? Try, I couldn’t put this book down.” —Michelle Obama

How Much We’d Pay to Read This Book: $64

Sample Text: “Items I punched on Monday August 3rd, 1992: Refrigerator, oak tree, David Hasselhoff (morning), stop sign, wood, a jealous-looking sculpture, a coffee barista named Andrew, David Hasselhoff (night), a hotel smoke detector, Andrew Lloyd Webber’s bodyguard, Andrew Lloyd Webber, a man asking for Andrew Lloyd Webber’s autograph, brick.”

3. Wynton Hall: Celebrity Ghost Writer

Title: Mr. T and I Enter a Pie-Eating Contest and Other Tales of Befriending Celebrities

Book Jacket Blurb: “I pity the fool who doesn’t buy this and every other book in the world.” —Mr. T

How Much We’d Pay to Read This Book: $19.99

Sample Chapters: Silly 3 a.m. Phone Conversations with Arnold Schwarzenegger; Mr. Belding Convinces Me to Marry My Wife; You Can Cry on my Shoulder Anytime, Alf.

Mr. Hall could be responsible for such autobiographical classics as Mr. T: The Man with the Gold, Don’t Hassel the Hoff, and this shrewdly titled chestnut: Tori Spelling’s sTori Telling.

2. James Franco

Title: Maybe… You’re Actually the Book?

Book Jacket Blurb: “This is by far the most influential book I have ever read.” —O.J. Simpson

How Much We’d Pay to Read This Book: $49.00

Number of Pages: 10,984

Sample Chapters: Jello: Dessert and Art; 50 Poems About Tugboats; A Step-by-Step Guide to Building Your Own Hot-Air Balloon

Magic Eyeing all 550 pages of chapter three would be an interesting choice, and it would make reading about the migrating habits of James Franco’s collection of exotic owls considerably more entertaining.

1. Suri Cruise

Title: Simply Suri

Book Jacket Blurb: “Good girl, Suri. This is going right up on the refrigerator!” —Katie Holmes

How Much We’d Pay to Read This Book: $117.50

NY Times Review: “I never expected a 6-year-old to deconstruct the disintegrating state of the 21st century marriage with such a powerful mixture of provocative acuity and side-splitting humor. I was admittedly a little lost during the book’s (many) off-topic detours into the Nickelodeon’s Kids’ Choice Awards, but ultimately agree with the author’s assessment that it may indeed be time for Taylor Swift to finally get slimed.

Which of these memoirs would you most like to read?

  • Melinda Colos

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