I wasted an hour of my life last Monday evening watching the premiere episode of a reality television show called Splash, in which a group of has-been actors and other assorted “celebrities”—like comedian Louie Anderson, Baywatch’s Nicole Eggert, and retired basketball legend Kareem Abdul-Jabbar—compete in platform and springboard diving.
As I sat there feeling my brain slowly atrophy, I couldn’t help but think how much better the show would be if, instead of a bunch of B-listers, the producers could somehow gather up a group of fantasy characters—particularly those whose second home is the water. Instead of witnessing the Cosby Show’s Keshia Knight Pulliam attempt to do an inward dive in the open pike position, for example, I would love to see The Creature from the Black Lagoon show us his stuff!
So, if you’re listening, Hollywood, here are my humble suggestions for Season Two.
1. The Creature from the Black Lagoon
This gilled monstrosity from the classic 1954 movie Creature from the Black Lagoon would undoubtedly send the show’s ratings through the roof because the chances of him abducting comely female contestants and whisking them away to his secret cavern lair would be quite high.
2. Ursula from The Little Mermaid
Every good reality show needs a truly detestable villain. Plus, this character would appeal to the pre-teen audience. I’d love to see this super-sized sea witch do a forward 2 1/2 somersault dive with a twist in the pike position!
3. Jane True
The heroine of Nicole Peeler’s Jane True saga (Tempest Rising, et. al.), this endearing character’s mother was a Selkie, and she loves swimming in the cold waters of the Atlantic. She’s cute, quirky, and wears purple Converse.
Yes, this superhero and founding member of The Justice League has a hugely unfair advantage, but he’s nice eye candy for the ladies. It’s all about the ratings…
5. Dagon from H.P. Lovecraft’s Cthulhu Mythos
While it would be awesome to watch a show that included any of Lovecraft’s monstrosities—in this case, a nightmarish Fish God—the show would almost be guaranteed to be short-lived. After Dagon eviscerated and consumed the other contestants, and the host, and the audience, the show would for all intents and purposes be over.
Which creature would you like to see diving on national TV?