5 Things We Desperately Hope Clarissa Will Explain in Her New Book

clarissaexplainsHark, what’s that sound? It’s Clarissa Darling slowly thawing from her pop-culture carbon freeze! Everybody’s favorite denim-clad confidante has sprung from her 19-year hibernation a la Hans Solo, and returned to us as a 23-year-old aspiring journalist.

As Entertainment Weekly reports, Clarissa Explains It All will live on in novel-form with the help of Thomas Dunne Books editor Brendan Deneen. The book, titled Things I Can’t Explain, is slated for release in 2014. This time around though, she will be self-aware enough to understand that there are problems in this world for which she has no answers. Sounds like somebody’s Philosophy 101 class included a solipsism unit!

But that doesn’t mean we don’t have lingering questions from the series. Without further ado, five things we really hope Clarissa will clear up for us.

  1. What are the lasting psychological effects of discussing your first training bra on national television?
  2. Were she and Sam really just friends? Like, she never even thought about going for it? Not even a little bit?
  3. Is Ferguson, her staunch Republican younger brother, planning to run for office? Bush/Darling 2016 has a nice ring to it.
  4. At what point in her adolescence did she realize Sam’s window ladder could very well be used by practically anyone on the street?
  5. Whatever happened to her baby pet alligator, Elvis? He only lasted a few episodes in the first season. The public demands answers!

Do you have any burning questions for Clarissa?