Did you know that instead of blood, we book nerds have strong-brewed English Breakfast tea running through our veins? Well, it’s true. And I’ll bet there’s a lot about book nerds you never knew. Like the fact that when we all turn 8, we’re ushered into a secret underwater cave where Patrick Stewart gives us a pair of prescription readers for near-sightedness, and a flashlight for reading after our bedtimes. Also, there are mermaids. Yeah. There’s a lot about the bookworm in your life that you might not know. Like in the case of a fistfight, a bookworm becomes surprisingly vicious, because we resent anything that cuts into our reading time. I know. It’s pretty intense. What’s our favorite food, you ask? Anything that can be fed to us by a trustworthy stranger. Because we need our fingers for page turning, that’s why. Here are 7 more things you might not know about book nerds:
1. We Don’t Need Ice Breakers, We ARE Ice Breakers
Who needs to make small-talk about things like “the weather” or “physical ailments” when you can be all, “Who here hasn’t read The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire? You? Well, you’re in for a treat tonight, let me tell you. Because: ‘VOLUME ONE:…'”
2. We Have Incredible Upper Bodies
Books nerds don’t just read books. We own them. By the boxload. So many boxes. Sure, moving the contents of our apartment is brutal, but we’ve now got drool-worthy pectorals, and we like to call them “It Was” and “Worth It.” Say hello, boys.
3. We’re Adept At Picking People Up at Bars
We’ve read enough to know that for every terrible pickup line, there are 800 good ones. We might not know what to do once we’ve actually gotten your attention, but damned if we don’t know how to get it. God knows we’ve read enough on the subject. We’d dare you to call us a nerd, but we know you’re too busy trying to keep your knees from knocking together at our witty repartee.
4. We’re In Touch With Our Emotions
We know that the right combinations of words can make us laugh, cry, scream, or snort—and we know that the perfect combination can do all of those things at once. We remember those words at key moments, like when someone cuts in front of us at Whole Foods. Be wary of our feelings, because we have all of them. Also WHERE THE HELL IS THE YOGURT IN THIS MAZE?
5. Forget Dance-Offs—Let’s Make It a Read-Off
Sure, those club kids look all cool with their dancing to techno, wearing their various “fashions” and going to foam parties (in this example, it’s 1998), but we defy them to beat us at our game. Because our game is a read-off, and I didn’t crack the spine of this biography of Bach for my own health, dude. (Spoiler alert: Actually, I did. But whatever.)
6. We Can Party Like Hemingway
But we don’t. Because we love our liver. And also, you know, being alive.
7. We’re Rebels
The world says seize the day, and we agree…if only so the world will take its own advice and leave us in bed with a stack full of things that need reading. Call us outlaws. You’re not wrong. And also it makes us giggle.
What’s another true fact about book nerds?