According to the wisdom of Mean Girls protagonist Cady Heron: “Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.” And, it seems, no animal, vegetable or mineral is safe from the clutches of the Sexy Costume (sassy Ron Burgundy, anyone?). Really, it’s only a matter of time before our favorite literary heroes and heroines find themselves on the wrong side of appropriate.
Just how bad could it get? Here are nine of the worst sexy literary Halloween costumes I can imagine. (Fair warning: Expect only tricks if you show up on my doorstep wearing any of these disguises.)
Sexy Voldemort (Harry Potter series, by J.K. Rowling)
Just picturing He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named in a miniskirt makes me want to Avada Kedavra myself.
Sexy Miss Havisham (Great Expectations, by Charles Dickens)
No one is going to body shot that decades-old wedding cake off of your abdomen.
Sexy Anne of Green Gables (Anne of Green Gables, by Lucy Maud Montgomery)
And all of Prince Edward Island collectively shuddered…
Sexy Hannibal Lecter (The Silence of the Lambs, by Thomas Harris)
This get-up gives a whole new meaning to the term “maneater.”
Sexy Scrooge (A Christmas Carol, by Charles Dickens)
Few things are less attractive than a cheapskate. (Hear that, potential OKCupid dates?)
Sexy Big Brother (1984, by George Orwell)
Sure, he may be just a metaphor for totalitarian government, but I still won’t give him one of my fun-size Snickers bars.
Sexy Jane Austen
Bring in the fainting couches and smelling salts, Messrs. Darcy and Knightley.
What terrible, sexy Halloween costumes can you think of?