Now that our bellies are fully distended with turkey, the time has come for the next big holiday. No, not the one with the tree and the reindeer. The one where you roust your family at 3:30 a.m. to go stand in line in order to buy deeply discounted kayaks while screaming, “YOU GET A KAYAK, AND YOU GET A KAYAK, AND YOU GET A KAYAK!”
That’s right. It’s Black Friday. May god have mercy on our souls, and on our ever-dwindling bank balances. To ring in the frantic festivities, I’m coming at you hard and fast (oh my) with some of fiction’s most beloved shopaholics.
1. Arthur Pendragon (The Sword in The Stone)
Oh sure, this Once and Future King (see what I did there?) doesn’t exactly have a penny to his name, but the boy never met a shiny-hilted sword stuck into an anvil that he didn’t like. Arthur saw this sucker and knew he had to have it—and the crown of England. Dig that kingly bravado. Swag on, Wart, swag on.
2. Rumpelstiltskin (The Brothers Grimm)
We think of this particular little creepy-crawly demon dude as being all about making impossible bargains with weepy, long-haired princess types. Little did we know that Rump’s real reason for insisting all that straw be spun into gold was to fund his dirty little QVC habit. What can I say, the guy has a thing for vaguely unsettling lawn ornaments.
3. Bilbo Baggins (The Hobbit)
As my fellow Barnes and Noble blogger Joel Cunningham points out, when it comes to all things gold and shiny, Bilbo’s got a serious addiction. After all, if his eye hadn’t chanced upon the goblet he HAD to have, Bilbo could’ve gotten the heck out of Dodge, and ne’er a Smaug would have been woken. Pity the shopper.
4. Cinderella (The Brothers Grimm)
When we think of shopaholics in this tale, we tend to think of Cindy’s sloppy stepsissies, all preening and fancy in their threads for the ball. But let’s be real: Cinderella is so trend-obsessed, the girl can be singled out of a crowd of thousands solely based on her weirdo shoe preference. I’ll have what she’s having. You know, a fireplace rife with ashes and also some misery but eventually a mad decent prince.
5. Becky Bloomwood (Confessions of a Shopaholic)
Ah, Becky. The timeless lesson in managing our finances, getting our credit sorted out, AND getting the guy. It’s the book about a serious misunderstanding of money and its management that started it all. “It” being a franchise of books about Becky and her various misadventures.
6. Clarissa Dalloway (Mrs. Dalloway)
The woman clearly had a lot of issues to sort through. Ah, the mundane versus the truly doomed. But did Dalloway dwell? Nope. Instead she decided to focus on the perfect flowers for for her dinner party. Priorities: they are everything.
7. Harry Potter (You know what)
This probably speaks more to my own issues with shopping than with Harry’s, but his pre-Hogwarts jaunts to Diagon alley are basically characterized for me by a mental picture of the kid twirling around movie-montage-style with bags full of owls and candies and wands. I can’t be alone in this…can I?
Who’s your favorite fictional shopaholic?