As we all know, reading in the tub is one of America’s favorite pastimes. But all reading bathers struggle with the same problem—how long do you leave the conditioner in how do you read without getting the pages soaking wet? Seriously! People are asking this! We at Barnes & Noble are here to help. Never again will you drop Moby-Dick into the lukewarm, sudsy abyss! (Unless you do so intentionally, to enhance your understanding of the inner lives of whales.) So take some notes, pick up a favorite book (or a terrible book—see number 1), and draw yourself a bath.
1) Read a book you don’t care about. These books are everywhere. You see them at the grocery store, at the airport, and in other people’s garbage. If you don’t care about the book, you won’t care if it gets wet. Suggested titles: The Cadaver Dog Handbook, The Big Book Of Lesbian Horse Stories, or Old Tractors and the Men Who Love Them.
2) Build a contraption. Said contraption should include a plank that will rest on either side of the tub, and a book display case. (Don’t ask us how to accomplish this. We’re not Lifehacker.) If you’re feeling super-inspired, create a cupholder for your glass of wine by drilling a hole in the plank. On the side, attach one of those sticky paper towel holders and a roll of paper towels so you can dry your hands every time you want to turn the page. Alternatively, build yet another contraption that turns pages for you. Also, attach a wastebasket next to the paper towel holder so you can throw away the hundreds of paper towels you will surely go through if you are a fast reader. There! What could be easier than that?!
3) Roll your hands in magic sand. That way, when you turn the pages, you won’t destroy your book.
4) Do you feel like reading a book called Animals On The Farm? Now’s your chance! It may be for babies, but it’s waterproof!
5) Don’t read an ebook! But if you insist on bringing your NOOK into the tub, put it in a plastic bag. And throw some Cheetos in a separate plastic bag, because you never know when you’ll need a snack.
6) Memorize the book you want to read before you get into the tub, then storytime yourself as you soak your troubles away.
7) Tear all of the pages out of your book and allow them to submerge in the water as you bathe. This probably has some sort of spalike benefit. Plus, you’ve been meaning to clean your book, right?
9) Screw it. Just listen to an audiobook. We should have put this at number one.
What’s the best book to read in the tub?