Divergent Nation, I think we all know exactly where we’ll be tonight. Obviously, all our calendars are cleared, and we’re packing enough eye drops to ensure we don’t have to blink once for the entirety of Divergent. But for an event like this, in order to get the truly optimal viewing experience, you need to take it one step further. You need to get into the story, and you need to do it with your people.
So pick your faction, and let’s do some party planning!
Abnegation: Let no one say the sect of selflessness doesn’t know how to throw a rockin’ shindig. The party for the good guys in gray began last night, of course, where you spent all night waiting on line for tickets, only to turn around and give ‘em away. But it’s cool—you’ll get inside eventually, and when you do, making sure you get the right seats for the authentic Abnegation experience is key. No bathroom-accessible aisle seats for you guys! And really, couldn’t that old couple make better use of those great mid-theater seats than you could? For you, nothing but the scattered lone seats with broken armrests between couples making out will do! (If you must sit together, at least make it the front row.) And don’t forget refreshments…because the entire theater is counting on you for them. Take that popcorn in an extra, extra, extra large, please!
Candor: All right, honest Abes and Abigails! It’s time to break out your finest black-and-white attire and—no, you know what? Break out your most hideous black-and-white attire. And while we’re at it, for refreshments, how about some utterly terrible home cooking? It’s time we test out how honest you can really be, and whether you can all survive the night on the truth. And don’t hold back during the actual viewing, either. Dissatisfied with a performance? Make sure you announce it to the entire theater. Think there’s a flaw in the way a detail from the book was translated? Don’t hold back! Everyone knows the only way to really enjoy the experience—nay, life!—is with complete and brutal honesty.
Erudite: Now, not everyone who sees this movie will have read the trilogy, but that’s not a problem for you guys, is it? Of course not. In fact, to party like a true Erudite, you’ll obviously need to bring it along with you. And obviously, you’ll also come packing a collection of YA Authors’ thoughts on the series, a NOOK loaded with short story “The Transfer,” a book about the movie, and the official movie companion. I mean, you wouldn’t want to show up uninformed, would you? You’re not Amity, amirite? As for seating, it’s all about optimization and algorithms. I wouldn’t want to bore you with the details, but you know what I mean, don’t you? Of course you do. And skip the popcorn and nachos—those things will only dumb you down. Nothing but acai berries and salmon for the girls and boys in blue!
Amity: Finally, a faction that knows how to have a little fun! Step one: Crank up that Divergent soundtrack and get a little loud. No, not that loud; you wouldn’t want to disturb the peace! Okay, much better. Step two: Throw on some red and yellow—if you’re not showing up to the theater looking like walking, talking ketchup and mustard bottle sets, you’re doing it wrong. Step three: Buy out that concession stand! You can’t stock up on just milk chocolate when there might be lactose-intolerant folks in your midst. Soft pretzels ain’t gonna cut it for the gluten-free. And obviously that black licorice won’t work for anyone with taste buds. If you can’t please all of the people all of the time, surely you can at least do it for a couple of hours.
Dauntless: No pre-ordering tickets for you, fearless ones! No, you guys roll the dice and show up right on time for the previews (bonus points if you skip those and show up for the opening credits—you know Four would), and sit wherever you please. And Milk Duds? Jujubes? None of those safe snacks for you. I think you know the only acceptable nourishment, you brave souls: Movie theater hot dogs, “fresh” from the roller. And if you really want to take a walk on the wild side, whip out your smartphone and live tweet the entire film. You’ll be lucky to see morning.
I’d cover the Factionless, but let’s face it: You guys are totally waiting until it’s On Demand. You’re beyond help.
Are you seeing Divergent this weekend?