If MORE Famous Literary Characters Had Online Dating Profiles

Roald Dahl's The BFG

We know, we know.  The sequel is never as good as the original, but ya’ll loved the first post so much, we just had to imagine what some other favorite fictional characters would write on their online dating profiles. Check out our second roundup of literary heroes and heroines looking for love in the digital age:

Bartleby the Scrivener (Bartleby, the Scrivener, by Herman Melville)
Profile Photo: Would prefer not to have one
Location: Wall Street, New York
About Bartleby: Mild-mannered, passive guy with minimalist needs.  I’m copyist at a law office who would prefer not to copy law papers. I would prefer not to leave the office ever, actually, and I prefer not to do any actual work. I would prefer not to eat anything but ginger nuts. I would prefer not to say any more about myself.

D’Artagnan (The Three Musketeers, by Alexandre Dumas)
Profile Photo: Drunk with a bunch of his buddies, holding up a wine bottle
Location: Paris, France
About D’artagnan: Yo Mademoiselles! Voulez vous coucher avec un mousquetaire? (ok so technically I’m not a Musketeer yet but I’m totes going to be promoted from Louie 13’s guard soon.) I’m real tight with the Three Musketeers Aramis, Porthos, and Athos. We all go way back. Had ourselves some epic duels, crazy tattooed chicks, and evil Cardinals. True story. I’m the dashing, dueling French hero you’ve been waiting for, so holler à moi!

Jo March (Little Women, by Louisa May Alcott)
Profile Photo: Sitting on a picket fence with a book
Location: Massachusetts
About Jo: I love reading and writing books, putting on plays with my sisters, and wandering outdoors. Dying to go to New York to write for the stage one day, but until then I’m companion to my cranky Aunt March. I detest being born a girl, having to sit around knitting like a poky old woman, and missing out on all the Civil War action. I hate affected, niminy-piminy chits, hoity-toity parties, and also really awkward proposals from boys firmly in the friend zone.

The Little Prince (The Little Prince, by Antoine De Saint-Exupery)
Profile Photo: His profile looking up at a night sky full of stars
Location: Asteroid B-612
About The Little Prince: Looking for a friend to travel to different planets and meet curious people. Someone who thinks grown-ups are very strange and do silly things. Someone who loves sunsets and can watch the sunset 44 times in one day with me. Someone who will help with my gardening—getting rid of the baobabs early, raking the volcanoes, and tending to my beloved rose. Someone who can draw me a sheep and laugh with the stars. Someone who knows that the most important things in life can’t be seen.

Lady Macbeth (Macbeth, by William Shakespeare)
Profile Photo: Black and white royal portrait, unsmiling
Location: Inverness, Scotland
About Lady Macbeth: Behind every successful man is a great woman. Some people say I’m cunning, ambitious, and ruthless, but I like to say I’m smart and efficient and can drive you to succeed. Ok, so I went a little crazy last time, what with my husband wimping out a lot and the stress of mass homicide. Therapy has done wonders for me, and I’m ready to get out and find another man to pressure into a violent power struggle. I’m a wee bit obsessive about hand-washing, but my sleepwalking is barely noticeable these days. Together, we could be the next great power couple.

Professor Minerva McGonagall (Harry Potter Series, by J.K. Rowling)
Profile Photo: Moving photo clipped from The Daily Prophet
Location: Hogwarts
About Minerva: This is Professor Sybill Trelawney speaking! I’m writing on behalf of Minerva McGonagall. She’s looking for friendship and companionship in the autumn of her life. She’s had no time for romance until now, having devoted her life to being an educator at Hogwarts, a member of the Order of the Phoenix, and a lifelong defender against the Dark Arts. She’s a brilliant, talented, sharp-tongued, magnanimous, and fair 80-year old lady—the Ruth Bader Ginsberg of Hogwarts. Now that she’s retired, I’d like her to meet a dignified, elderly wizard who enjoys literature, Quidditch (Go, Gryffindor!), and tabby cats.

Big Friendly Giant (The BFG, by Roald Dahl)
Profile Photo: Aerial shot of giant feet next to Buckingham Palace
Location: London, England
About BFG: I is a nice jumbly giant, lonely for a nice lady giant who is also vegetarian giant and not man-gobbling cannybull. We can go for long walks, feed snozzcumbers to bad giants, listen to dreams, and have interesting babblements. I has bestest human bean friend Sophie and we can all drink scrumdiddlyumptious frobscottle and go whizpopping together!

What literary character dating profiles would you most like to see?

  • tallgurl81

    The BFG one. <3

    • kshort1

      I’d have to agree!

  • Thalita Carvalho

    ok, Professor McGonagall’s profile? The best!!!

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