J.K. Rowling Writes New Harry Potter Story, Fans Rejoice

Since closing the book on Harry Potter in 2007, with a time-jumping epilogue that seemed designed to squash readers’ hopes for an eighth installment in the series, J.K. Rowling has given us little reason to believe we would ever again read an authorized word on our favorite green-eyed wizard. She’s since written a novel about the dark side of council estate life in Britain, given us two immensely satisfying detective novels, and revisited Potter’s world, if not the boy himself, with The Tales of Beedle the Bard and a promised trilogy of screenplays based on Potter spinoff Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, set more than half a century before the birth of Lily and James Potter’s son.

But today the sun shone on Muggles everywhere, and leprechauns threw down their gold, and veelas danced in the streets, causing a 20-car pileup: Rowling posted an acidly funny new story on her website Pottermore, in the form of a Rita Skeeter-penned article in the Daily Prophet. Fittingly, Skeeter is reporting from the grounds of the Quidditch World Cup, where she assures us, in her inimitably bitchy fashion, that all of our favorites (well, the ones who survived the Battle of Hogwarts) are alive, well, and ripe for evisceration by her poison pen.

You must read the whole story for yourself, but in the meantime, here are the most exciting revelations from this glimpse into the life of a 30something Potter and crew:

-Maybe this goes without saying, but Harry, Ron, and Hermione are famous. Like, riot-inciting Beatles famous. Poor Harry.

-Harry’s lightning scar is now complimented by a cut on his cheek. Please oh please let this be Rowling’s way of promising us a story on how he got it!

-Ginny Weasley Potter is a top sports journalist in the wizarding world:  she’s covering the Cup!

-In a twist that can only be described as “the realization of our wildest Weasley-related dreams,” Ron has joined bereaved brother George as co-manager of Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes! For this revelation alone, Rowling should be awarded a medal.

-We didn’t need a crystal ball for this one, but now it’s confirmed: Hermione is a on a one-way trip to being named Minister of Magic, having already enjoyed a “meteoric rise” to the top of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. I wonder if her parents are disappointed she didn’t go into dentistry…

-Aww, Neville married his crush, Hannah Abbott! We were gunning for a Luna Lovegood love match—blame the Potter movies—but this’ll do (Luna’s still her delightfully weird self, and happily married to Rolf Scamander).

-Rita Skeeter is as nasty as ever, god bless her. As if we needed confirmation!

On a scale of one to EXPECTO PATRONUM, how excited are you about this story?