If we were given the magical ability to hang out with all our favorite literary characters (and those we love to hate), we wouldn’t waste our time warning them to stop being so prideful and prejudiced, or to drop the vampire and just go to college already. We’d be too busy setting everyone up! Here are the couples we want to pair off at our fictional singles mixer:
Daisy Buchanan and Philip Marlowe (The Great Gatsby/The Big Sleep): Daisy would try her cute, innocent thing with Marlowe, and he’d be all “Listen, cutie, I like my women hardboiled. The ingenue act doesn’t hold water, see?” Then she’d pretend to faint, and he’d throw a drink on her. After that they’d go to Fudrucker’s.
Holden Caulfield and Hermione Granger (Catcher in the Rye/Harry Potter): This date would end badly (with Ron and a smoking wand, for one thing), but wouldn’t you looove to see levelheaded Hermione giving a piece of her mind to poor Holden? He wouldn’t know what hit him, especially considering it would include an angry dog Patronus.
Lydia Bennet and Edward Cullen (Pride and Prejudice/Twilight): What epic killjoy Edward Cullen really needs to put things into perspective is eternity by the side of Elizabeth Bennet’s most troublesome sister. Lydia could jabber about bonnet ribbons, while Edward sends increasingly desperate pleas to the Volturi for a quick death.
Humbert Humbert and Dolores Umbridge (Lolita/HP): What better way to make Humbert pay for his crimes against womankind than life with Umbridge? (Well…major prison time would be a better way, but we’re talking poetic justice here.) We’re picturing Humbert keeping house for Umbridge, house elf-style, guarded by an army of cats.
Miss Havisham and Mr. Woodhouse (Great Expectations/Emma): Miss Havisham has been waiting to get married for a very long time. And Emma’s meddling, lonesome father could really use a wife, just to get him off Emma’s back. Havisham won’t even need to buy another wedding dress, cause we all know she still fits into the old one. Maybe a new wedding cake would be good, though.
Professor Snape and Pippi Longstocking: We can’t stop setting up Harry Potter characters! Mainly because we invited every single one to our party (except you, Peter Pettigrew). Poor Professor Snape has been lusting after an unattainable redhead for far too long. Not only would Pippi fill the redhead void, she might even teach Snape how to have a little fun. She’s also completely unflappable, so Snape’s constant griping and low self-esteem wouldn’t faze her. And if he got too sassy with the wand, crazy-strong Pippi could just bench-press him till he comes back to his senses. (We’re assuming this is a grown-up Pippi, for the purposes of age-appropriateness).
What’s your vote for the best literary love match?