Look, you’ve totally watched an episode of the Real Housewives franchise in one iteration or another. And, even if you (claim that you) haven’t, you’re familiar enough with the format to know how each episode begins. The cast members trot out before a green screen, swaddled in their finest, tightest satin cocktail dresses. Once in place, their name in glossy, gilt lettering appears and they pop their hips out to either side repeatedly while speaking “their truths” in voiceover format. Sometimes they do all of this with their husbands/kids/small rat-like dogs standing behind them.
These quick introductions are supposed to encapsulate the essence of each cast member—and they do! Insofar as any cliché or truism could ever sum up one person’s entire identity. So just imagine if this were how our favorite female characters in literature were introduced! What’s that, imagination running low? ALLOW ME TO ASSIST.
The Real Housewives of Twilight
Bella Swan: Don’t hate me because I sparkle, hate me because my baby was born with a full set of teeth and psychic face-touching abilities.
The Real Housewives of Pollyanna
Pollyanna: With a smile like this, who needs legs?
The Real Housewives of Tolstoy’s Russia
Anna Karenina: I’m a lover, a mother, and I don’t let anyone railroad me!
The Real Housewives of Pride and Prejudice
Lizzie Bennett: I don’t like to judge and make assumptions—but I will.
The Real Housewives of The Canterbury Tales
The Wife of Bath: My body is my temple, and this temple’s got three whole teeth!
The Real Housewives of Sunnybrook Farm:
Rebecca: My aunts might think I’m sallow and dreamy, but I can’t wait to prove them wrong! Also it’s MEAN to call someone sallow! MEAN!
The Real Housewives of Thornfield Hall
Jane Eyre: When I’m good, I’m very, very good…but when I’m bad I’m considering beginning a torrid love affair with a man who won’t leave his mentally ill wife.
Blanche Ingram: I may be a penniless snot scheming to marry a man I don’t love, but damn this ass looks fine!
Bertha Rochester: Badfvjhsrgopejargpadmcaslkgrpwfjapsodjsa;jfsaeijredfsjsewhjugtlty!
Which book would you love to see get the Real Housewives treatment?