Self-Help Books We’d Recommend to the Bluths

almost here!Great news you already know! Our favorite dysfunctional family returns on Sunday, and we’re chee-chaw-ing like a bunch of excited chickens up in here. As one would expect after such a long winter’s nap, surely season 4 will finally show our Bluths as self-aware, other-centric, fully actualized people.

Haha—no way, don’t be dumb on purpose! The Bluths are a sedentary band of rapscallions and if we trust one thing in life, it’s that none of these characters will ever get their lives together. Oh, we’ve missed them so.

But anyway, just for fun, let’s pretend the right self-help book could solve everything.

MICHAEL BLUTH
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff by Richard Carlson
The list of things Michael needs to stop sweating goes on for daaays: the crimes, the light treason, being unappreciated, the fact that no one in his family has ever seen a chicken, the stair car, the four times he’s ever had sex four women he’s ever had sex with, his mother’s winking problems, his mother’s drinking problems, the presence of denim cut-offs in “his” model home, Kitty … you know what? This is a lost cause.

GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray
Also: Bland is from Veal (her?) and Maeby is from your own gene pool, so maybe lay off the dating thing for a fortnight or so.

GEORGE BLUTH SR.
How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie
George Sr. could take a few pages from Carnegie’s book about more effective interpersonal communication. What’s that? He’s already ripped out a few handfuls? He gave them to Saddam Hussein and all that’s left is the binding on display in a faux bookshelf in model home in Iraq? Got it, OK.

LUCILLE BLUTH
Parenting for Dummies by Sandra Hardin Gookin and Dan Gookin
It might be too late for the elder Bluths, but it’s also too late for Annyong. This book will begin and end its life as a martini coaster, just like Buster, probably.

BUSTER BLUTH
I’m OK, You’re OK by Thomas Harris
This book was specifically written for people who need to stop depending on others to tell them to wear their blue sweater and gray pants to their father’s court hearing.

GOB BLUTH
Que les Pasa a los Hombres (the Spanish-language edition of He’s Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo)
When it comes to winning the affection of his father, GOB has a few harsh lessons to learn—and since he took four years of Spanish, he’ll definitely get it. Stop vying for your father’s affection! Some people just aren’t worth it! They don’t ca- … yyeeeah, you know what? This book will most likely be set on fire by his illusion flame-hands.

TOBIAS FÜNKE
Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret by Judy Blume
Though it’s not technically a “self-help” book, this is probably the best thing we can think of to help Tobias come to terms with the wonder and mystery that is his body. We imagine he’ll end up so strongly identifying with the book, he’ll read Judy Blume’s entire oeuvre and start saying he’s converted to “Judyism,” a term he once overheard an older actor say. Tobias will later find out “Judyism” refers to the adoration of gay icon Judy Garland, but he feels it’s still accurate because, “Who doesn’t want to be considered a friend of Dorothy?” He’ll then attend a screening/singalong of Meet Me in St. Louis.

LINDSAY FÜNKE
Beauty Fades, Dumb is Forever by Judge Judy Sheindlin
Because the “SLUT” t-shirt, the being hosed down whilst cage dancing and the belief that vodka goes bad once it’s opened? Judge Judy would not approve. Lindsay will read this book and take up a new cause, spreading the wisdom of “Judyism.” She’ll go to what she thinks is a wine-and-cheese party for other activists—and end up at the bar just in time to hear Tobias solo, “Zing, zing, zing went my heartstrings, from the moment I saw him I fell.” (Meet Me in St. Louis, “The Trolley Song”)

MAEBY FÜNKE
Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell
We’d give her this book on tape, and failing to understand it already exists in print, Maeby would pay Lupe to transcribe it for her and then re-publish it under her own name. It will enjoy a permanent spot on the bestseller table at the bookstore next to “The Man Inside Me,” and she’ll option the movie rights.

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