HELEN FIELDING WHAT THE HECK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING YOU CAN’T JUST KILL OFF MARK DARCY DO YOU WANT ME TO BE DEPRESSED FOR REST OF MY LIFE — bonquisha sharice (@abbieareyouokay) September 29, 2013
But how are you all doing now? Since we’re all going through this together, we thought it’d be helpful to address the stages of loss and grief you may be experiencing. No matter what stage you are going through now, we hope this guide is helpful to you.
Stage One: Denial
Mark Darcy didn’t die. This whole thing is a ruse by Fielding, to create buzz around her book. Ms. Fielding, if I read that book and Darcy isn’t as dead as a doornail, I’m going to give you a piece of my mind! And if I read that book and Darcy is dead, I will be heartbroken. Mark Darcy and Bridget were meant to be together—they had the greatest meet-cute. You didn’t give them enough time on this earth together. Why would you do such a thing? But you wouldn’t, would you?
Anyway, how could Mark Darcy be dead? We just saw him looking quite alive and well:
Stage Two: Anger
It’s time to be angry now. Helen Fielding, how dare you. We weren’t ready for this. We can’t handle this. Screw you, screw your publisher, screw all the publishers, screw all authors everywhere, screw Colin Firth, screw Colin Farrell, screw Pharrell Williams, screw rap music, screw art, screw happiness, screw everything. I’m not even getting out of bed tomorrow and I’m canceling Christmas. And I don’t remember how to laugh.
And Mark Darcy, this one’s for you, you scumbag!
Stage Three: Bargaining
Okay. Time to regain control. Welcome to the bargaining stage.
Fielding, we’ve heard about your shenanigans, and it’s not too late for you to go back, rewrite a few passages, and change the entire plot line so that Mr. Darcy is there, alive, and able to be portrayed by Colin Firth in the third movie. We actually don’t care if the plot line makes sense. We also don’t care if Mark Darcy, in the new and improved book, is an incredibly likable or well-crafted character. You can make him fat and balding. You can make him too lazy to wash the dishes. You can make him forget anniversaries. You can make his breath stink. Because the thing is, we already love him.
So do what you want with him, but just put him back in the story as an alive person. Please?
He can even be in the process of dying. You can kill him off later. You just can’t swipe him from the story with no warning like this.
Stage Four: Depression
Ugh. It’s time for this unfun stage now. Crank this up:
You’ll need this:
Surely you’re unable to sleep or eat (anything other than cartons of ice cream), and all you can do is play memories of Mark Darcy through your head over and over again.
It’s okay, sometimes a healthy cry is just what the doctor ordered. And getting out all that anger and sadness will lead us to our last and final stage:
Stage Five: Acceptance
We can do this, guys. We’re going to get through this together. Mark Darcy is gone.
And remember—Ms. Fielding killed off Mark Darcy after he spawned two children. That means there are other little Darcys out there. This is the circle of life, and all this has happened before and it will all happen again. The fact that a tiny Darcy Junior is bouncing around in the world can give us hope.
How does this make you feel?