After a holiday season’s worth of making nice with friends and family, perhaps you’re feeling the appeal of heading to the nearest cave/castle on a hill/crumbling estate/cabin in the woods/lighthouse/fortress of solitude. Well, you’re in good (bad) company—not that our favorite misanthropes even want your stupid company anyway. Here are a few tweets from some of our favorite people-haters in fiction:
Found an iPhone in the fires of Mount Doom. It is now his new precious.
oh it glowsses! It glowsses! gollum loves his new #precious. gollum loves it.
stupid fat @hobbit tries to take my precious. but we won’t let him will we #precious?
Poor, Poor @OrSmeagol. Wants to eat the sticky sticky sweets. #notblessed #candycrush
our only wish is to catch a #fish. so juicy-sweet. rt if you agrees.
gollum has a new master! it tells us things! it says what can i helps you with? it’s a siri!
Lisbeth Salander (@AnikkaMaslow)
Tweets under a pseudonym in order to taunt the victims of her vigilante-style justice as well as people trying to spread annoying optimism.
People always have secrets. It’s just a matter of finding out what they are. #Bastards
.@realDonaldTrump: Check your bank accounts. Ha.
When in doubt, run it through the PGP encryption programme. #Wasp
.@NilsBjurman: Heard you have an interesting tattoo. #ProveIt
.@Upworthy: Stop it.
Bernadette Fox (@GnatCatcher)
Created a parody account to make fun of all the elitist Seattle moms she can’t stand.
.@WholeFoods—can you detail the type of grass your grass-fed Angus beef has eaten? Don’t wanna accidentally cause any birth defects! ; )
Thinking about rebranding myself. (FYI for those who <3 my plantain & cranberry low-fat gluten-free muffins @MuffinQueen is already taken!)
I bought chard instead of kale!? Guess Arif, the refugee we took in, will have to wait to eat kale chips 4 the 1st time! #YesThisISHeaven
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a while. What a cuckoo I am to say “yes” to being president of 5 committees! Now I know what Mandela felt like! #RIP
The Twits (@Mr & @Mrs)
Barely smart enough to use Twitter, they tweet only at each other in order to play mean-spirited pranks.
When @Mr goes quiet, I know he’s plotting something. #WatchingLikeaWombat #EyesEverywhere #CheckYourBeer
.@Mrs: Oh do shut up, you old hag. AAAAHHHHHHHH #GlassEyeinBeer
.@Mr: My walking stick is so long all of a sudden. #Shrinking?
RT if you see marvellous balloons in the sky! My ugly wife is lost and gone forever! #Up
.@Mr: HA HA I’M BACK! I’LL BOIL YOU ALIVE! I’LL PUT YOU IN THE CAGE WITH THE MUGGLE-WUMPS!
.@Mrs: is our house upside down?!
.@Mr: Yes yes you filthy warthog! We’re going to die! I hope you die first!
.@Mrs: No NO NO I HOPE Y
(They were never heard from again, because their heads got sucked into their bodies.)
Whether she’s at Shiz, in her secret hiding place in the Emerald City, or in the castle Kiamo Ko, Elphaba uses the Internet to further her agenda and expose the truly wicked.
I don’t cause commotions, I am one. #Green
PROOF Animals and humans are the same! RIP @DoctorDillamond!!! Your work lives on: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PpccpglnNf0&noredirect=1
.@MadameMorrible: Watch your back. Change is coming.
.@Nessarose: I shall wait for your shoes.
An alien girl has arrived. Have you seen her? The dog’s a nuisance. #GettingMyShoesBack
Archibald Craven (@MisselthwaiteManor)
Uses Twitter as a means of making passive-aggressive, sad statements on the nature of love and loss.
I just don’t know why I even bothered trying to love. I really don’t. You just end up alone.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” YEAH RIGHT @KellyClarkson
I’d love to have a garden to get over my crippling loneliness too, but you know. Manors aren’t free and SOME PEOPLE have to work.
Sometimes I just wish someone would imprison me in a bell tower. The world would probably be better off… #Hunchback
Son? What son? Uhhhh, there’s no son here. (Paging @DrCraven)