Valentines From 7 of Our Favorite Literary Characters

Valentine tea and books

Fun fact: I have always been single on February 14, whether it be due to a fight with a current beau or a spate of prolonged singledom. But I’ve always found ways of enjoying this holiday, traditionally earmarked for those in love.

One year, for example, I ordered in Chinese delivery…for two! Twice as many egg rolls, and the illusion that I am not sad and alone? Sign me up! Another time I went out to dinner with my roommate, her boyfriend, and her dad. In keeping with the season, I hit on her dad throughout our meal, and an awkward time was had by all! This year, to keep myself out of trouble, trim of waist, and thoroughly entertained, I’ve imagined what it would be like to receive valentines from some of my favorite literary characters. It would go something like this:

“I love you more than snap judgments, town balls, and attractive men whom I’ve previously misjudged.”
Elizabeth Bennet

“Roses are red, whales are white…” (Stares off into the middle distance, an obsessive look in his eye, and does not finish the poem.)
Captain Ahab

“Shall I compare thee to an ancient crone, unable to get past the fact that she was jilted by her fiancé? BECAUSE SERIOUSLY STELLA THAT’S WHERE WE’RE HEADED UNLESS YOU OWN YOUR BAGGAGE, OKAY?”
Pip Pirrip

“Dear me, who made you so beautiful? You’ve got luscious skin, silky hair, and beautiful eyes. If I could make out with you, I would—I guess in the meantime this painting of me will have to—AHHHHH!”
Dorian Gray

“Girl, you stole my heart. I know this kind of goes against my whole deal, but I hope you didn’t give it to the poor. Please keep it (Friar) tucked away for safe-keeping (seewhatIdidthere?).”
Robin Hood

“My love, if you ever leave me I’ll be forced to bludgeon you with an outmoded sporting racquet…JK! (But not really.)”
Jack Torrance 

“I was going to buy you some chocolates, but halfway to the store I was overcome with a despair so great I had to lay down in the road and sob for a while. Yeah. So. You probably expected me to mess it up again, anyway. Happy Valentine’s day. Or I guess just: Valentine’s Day. It is today.”
Eeyore

Which fictional character would you most like to get a Valentine from?

  • Anna Black

    Artemis Entreri. I would just hope I didn’t get thrown through a glass window!