We Revised 20 Classic Novels so the Kids Can Relate

The Great Gatsby

Things are different today than they were in the olden days, because that’s how time works. But just imagine for a sec if some of our beloved classics were written in today’s parlance. Instead of corsets and sword fights and nobility, we’d have crop tops and internet trolling and RuPaul’s drag race. Which actually sounds awesome.

So, because we’re totally down with all the slang, we took the liberty of freshening up the titles of a few of our favorite classics. You can play, too!

Last Name Gatsby, First Name Greatest
F. Scott Fitzgerald’s tale of a man whose money cannot buy him what he truly wants—love and a rap career.

The Sun Also Rises #NoFilter
The greatest story Ernest Hemingway ever told—the way Ernest Hemingway meant to tell it. (It’s a book on tape narrated by a crotchety old dude after 7 Hemingway daiquiris.)

Charleigh and the Cronut Factory
A child gets a Golden Ticket and is ushered into a world of wonder and designer confections in Roald Dahl’s fantastical story.

[emoji of a whale] + [emoji of a spear] + [emoji of a sea captain, if that exists]
Herman Melville’s great white whale of a story. It will be sent to you via text.

To “Humanely Euthanize” a Mockingbird
Harper Lee’s beloved tale of a father and his children navigating a “morally challenged” small town in Alabama.

Live-Tweeting Two Urban Centers
London and Paris at the dawn of war—an account told by a Charles Dickens parody Twitter account.

The Brahs Karamaz (FISTPUMP)
Dostoevsky’s philosophical novel that touches upon God, free will, and other ethical conundrums. It’s set on the Jersey Shore.

The Foursquare Mayor of Monte Cristo
“Check in” to Alexandre Dumas’ story of adventure and revenge. Stay awhile.

An Organic Heirloom Tree (with a Mustache Carved into its Bark) Grows in Brooklyn
A coming-of-age story set in Bushwick, written by Betty Smith. Lena Dunham is currently adapting the novel into a screenplay she will direct, produce, design the costumes and lights for, and star in.

The NSFW Snapchats of Dorian Gray
Oscar Wilde’s novel about a man slowly spiraling out of control and chronicling it all on the internet.

The Princess Bride, Kate Middleton
Her codename? Buttercup. Her story? Told as a dramatic reinterpretation by William Goldman.

Big Brother 2049
Orwell’s classic, brought to life as a reality TV show set 35 years in the future.

LOL: 3 Musketeers That Perfectly Encapsulate What it Means to Be “All For One & One For All”
A Buzzfeed list inspired by Alexandre Dumas’s tale of four brave adventurers.

Jules Verne’s famous novel is recreated and blogged by two best friends who have $80 between them. They later get a million-dollar book deal.

The Pantone 19-1760 TCX Letter
An adulterous woman is forced to wear a scarlet “A” in Hawthorne’s story. The color itself becomes the industry standard and is adopted as part of the official branding of people cheating on their spouses.

The Freshwater Cultured Pearl (Available for 3 Easy Payments of $39.99)
An entire hour of home-shopping bliss scheduled in honor of the beloved John Steinbeck story.

Tess of the d’FarmVilles
Thomas Hardy’s tale as told by your aunt who keeps asking you to play this dumb game on Facebook.

Their Eyes Were Watching Beyoncé
The exact story written by Zora Neale Hurston, except about Beyoncé, and “they” = everyone in the world.

A Regular Guy Who is NOT an Illusionist
The Dickens classic which is in NO WAY about the magic man.

Swiping Right in the Time of Cholera
Gabriel García Márquez’s Nobel Prize–winning novel chronicling love everlasting…on Tinder.

What classic titles would you revise for modern times?

  • http://www.goodreads.com/joeleoj Joel Cunningham

    You know Emoji Dick exists, right? http://www.emojidick.com/

  • Jim Thornburg

    “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings (she’s auditioning for American Idol)”