What Would these 13 Famous Authors Give Out on Halloween?

Halloween candy bowl

Thanksgiving shmanksgiving, Christmas shmistmas, Halloween has ‘em beat. It’s aspirational, self-reflective, magical, and nonjudgmental—just try wearing your Jedi knight or Gryffindor house robes on another holiday, and you’ll see what I mean. But while bed-sheet ghosts, black magic, and the public display of terrible pun costumes is widely acceptable on October 31, it’s become a near-unbreakable taboo to give out anything other than candy on Halloween (just ask the poor souls who try to dump a fistful of pennies into trick or treaters’ hands. Their pumpkins will not survive the night.) Nevertheless, I like to imagine what these 13 authors might provide, after the fun-size Snickers supply runs dry. Here are my bets:

1. Beatrix Potter: Vegetables (from her neighbor’s garden).

2. Louisa May Alcott: Aspirin tablets, to fight consumptive fevers (should any children fall ill from the nighttime festivities)

3. Winston Churchill: Cigars for boys, a copy of his Nobel Prize acceptance speech for girls (his wife delivered it, and little girls shouldn’t smoke cigars).

4. Upton Sinclair: Cans of baby corn (for kids and vegetarians).

5. Dr. Seuss: Fake marzipan animals (real marzipan, fake animals).

6. R.L. Stine: Ice cubes (to give you Goosebumps, duh).

7. William S. Burroughs: Mescaline cupcakes.

8. J.K. Rowling: A copy of a brand-new hardcover book by an author nobody’s ever heard of, which she definitely didn’t write, where’d you hear that?

9. Denis Diderot: He’d ask trick-or-treaters for more words for his Encyclopedia, and give delighted, courteous “thank yous” in response

10. Madeline L’Engle: The tesseract-mini—good for one jaunt to a faraway point in the universe.

 11. E.O. Wilson: Ants. Possibly ant farms. Possibly liquid extracted from the gland that allows ants to walk in those impossibly long processions on the way to picnic baskets.

 12. George R.R. Martin: A warm, unfertilized ostrich egg. Or is it a…dragon’s egg? Spend a night with it in a bonfire to find out!

13. Anne Rice: Plastic vampire teeth, werewolf fangs, witches’ hats, mummy bandages—she’s got it all!

What would your favorite author give out on Halloween?

  • Cary Pohlhammer

    I think F. Scott Fitzgerald would give out alcohol. Maybe fancy bottles of Scotch or Whiskey.

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