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CHAPTER 1

The Five Principles of Body Language Intelligence

IN THIS CHAPTER, YOU'LL DISCOVER:

* The bedrock principles that guide every interpretation

* How body language changes across different cultures

For every interpretation of body language, it is important to devote attention to a number of crucial principles that influence the meaning of all attitudes, gestures, and expressions (and also the conclusions you draw about them). These five principles are the bedrock of meaningful body language interpretation. You'll learn to increase your body language intelligence by connecting what you see on the outside to what is really happening on the inside.

These basic principles apply to nonverbal communication in photographs and films, as well as in conversations. Learning to take proper account of all five basic principles when you interpret body language and apply them to your conclusions is the foundation of correctly understanding what's really being communicated in your daily interactions.

1. Combinations Confirm Your Assumptions

The interpretations that you will find in the following chapters are only accurate in 60 to 80 percent of situations, if they occur singly or in isolation. If you see a certain movement occur repeatedly, the likelihood is greater that the interpretation is correct. If within a short period of time you see a combination of three to five movements that all give a similar signal, you can draw your conclusion with a high degree of certainty.

If someone touches the tip of his nose just once during a conversation, it may be that he simply has an itchy nose. But if during a two-minute period someone touches his nose, rubs his eyes, covers his mouth, takes a step backward, avoids eye contact, and crosses his arms, then there is a good chance that he either finds the situation stressful or that he is lying.

2. What Is Happening on the Inside Is What You See on the Outside

If you have to make a choice between what you hear (words) and what you see (movements), it is better to believe what you see. The body compensates for the things that are said. It is possible to put up a pretense or to hide stress for a short time, but as far as nonverbal communication is concerned it is much more difficult to conceal or falsify crucial information. Why? Our body instinctively shows on the outside what is happening on the inside.

Numerous studies have shown that our limbic system works faster than our powers of rational thought; expressions and gestures tend to tell the truth before we can consciously adjust our behavior. This conscious adjustment is ten thousand times slower than the uncontrollable signals of the limbic system. What people are experiencing internally will therefore be visible externally. The reverse is true as well: When you see someone with a facial expression that is not sad, it is highly likely that this person is not experiencing sadness at that moment. However, you still need to take into account principle number 5: If this person never has a sad facial expression, even at times when you know that she is experiencing sadness, you will need to amend your conclusions.

3. Context Influences Body Language

During our training courses, we are often asked: If someone often crosses his arms, does this mean he has a closed personality? What do you think? Is the answer to this question yes or no? If you correctly apply basic principle number 3, the right answer is "it all depends." Whether or not someone has her arms crossed is dependent on the context in which she finds herself. For example, a person standing outside in the middle of winter who has forgotten her coat may very well have her arms crossed, but this simply means that she is cold. At the same time, she may very well be conducting a pleasant and enthusiastic conversation with her friends!

But what about someone dressed in doctor's clothing and discussing something with a colleague in a hospital corridor? Hospitals are usually warm, so that in this case the crossed arms probably have something to do with the nature of the conversation. In other words, you need to pay careful attention to the location, the situation, and the surroundings of the person about whom you wish to draw conclusions.

4. Look for Changes

We always try to avoid making interpretations based on a single photograph. If you have no points of comparison, your conclusions will be less accurate. To make reliable conclusions, what we look for above all are large and strong changes in body language positions. For example, if someone suddenly puts his legs in a debate position during a negotiation, while he otherwise seems relaxed, this has much greater meaning than if he has his legs in the debate position from the beginning of the discussion.

Timing is also very important: A significant change in body language position at the moment when a new price is mentioned says much more than if the same movement is made at a neutral moment in the conversation.

5. Take Account of Habits

When we give interpretations of meaning for a gesture like touching your nose, we often hear people say: "Yes, but I regularly touch the end of my nose when I am speaking. Everyone in my family does it. But it doesn't mean we are lying!" This may be true: When you apply the fifth basic principle touching the nose may lose its traditional interpretation. Pay careful attention to the habits of the person you are interpreting as well as to movements that are "normal" for someone in the specific situation.

If someone has developed a particular movement as a habit over a number of years, normal interpretations of this movement given in the following chapters will not necessarily be correct.

If, for instance, someone is always in the habit of smiling, even when she is feeling hostile, then you cannot automatically interpret this person's smile as an indication of pleasure. In order to know which movements, gestures, and expressions you need to exclude from your interpretation as unreliable, you first need to examine a sufficient number of situations to establish this person's habits. In addition to habits, outside factors such as taking drugs or medicines, using alcohol, or having gesture altering treatments such as plastic surgery or Botox can all play a role. By taking proper account of a person's habits, you can avoid mistakes such as interpreting a genuine expression of pleasure as an expression of contempt.

IS BODY LANGUAGE CULTURE DEPENDENT?

Experts are divided on this question. It is a subject that can lead to endless discussions, not least because of the need to first define exactly what is meant by the terms "body language" and "culture dependent" in the context of this specific question.

For example, some gestures are extremely offensive in one country, but very positive elsewhere. Consider the "circle" gesture made by closing the thumb and the index finger. In the United States and countries like Belgium and the Netherlands, this means "okay." In France, it means "zero." In Brazil, it means ... something you should probably avoid saying. In this case, body language clearly differs from culture to culture. However, there are certain microexpressions that studies have shown to be associated with particular emotions in the same way in more than twenty different cultures. Similarly, North Americans and Europeans will make some hand gestures less frequently but bigger, whereas Asians will make the same gesture more frequently but smaller. Does this mean that in these contexts body language is culture independent?

So, which of the experts are right? It is difficult to say, but these examples make clear that the subject of nonverbal communication is not only wide-ranging and complex, but also depends on how you interpret the term "body language." One thing is certain: One way or another, everybody speaks a body language.

The five basic principles are crucial. To draw accurate conclusions, you must apply all five to every interpretation of body language you make. Always keep them in mind and test all your assumptions against them. To make them easy to remember, we have combined the most important word of each of the five principles into the following sentence:

"Combinations Within Context Change Habits."

With these five basic principles for interpreting body language, you are sufficiently well-armed to correctly identify the meanings of the movements, gestures, and expressions in the following chapters.

Self-confident Body Language

IN THIS CHAPTER, YOU'LL DISCOVER:

* How to recognize when your conversation partner is receptive

* The body movements that stimulate trust and cooperation

When I was thirteen years old, my first job was to distribute fliers to pharmacies. This involved me asking the pharmacist if I could place the fliers in a spot where they could easily be seen. Initially, I was very successful. On the first morning, I visited fifteen shops and none of them refused my request. Things went less smoothly for my girlfriend, who had the same task: It took her much longer and some of the pharmacists were unwilling to cooperate.

When it was my turn to be confronted with my first refusal, however, I immediately had the feeling that my initial enthusiasm had disappeared. The energy and power with which I had previously entered the stores were suddenly missing. This change of attitude also had a dramatic impact on my effectiveness. More refusals followed. But what had actually changed? Why did the same sentence — "Can I please put these fliers here on your counter?" — now produce such a different result from a few hours earlier? Why did the change in the way I felt make such a difference to the results I achieved?

What I didn't realize at the time is that the key to success in situations of this kind is not the sentence, but the number of contact-supporting gestures you use when speaking it. The purpose of this chapter is to show you how you can use positive body language to help you convince people and how you can recognize the same signals in others.

Leaning the Upper Body Forward

The position of the upper body gives you basic information about the other person's attitude toward you. If the upper body is leaning back or turned away, particularly if the arms are crossed, there is a good chance that the person wants to distance himself from the subject under discussion. Averting the upper body in this way is usually a sign that someone is not listening closely to what you are saying. Perhaps the subject is not important or interesting enough for him to lean forward in your direction. Many studies support this conclusion, including Schlenker in 1975.

If you want someone to listen to you carefully, it is important to get her to orientate her body toward you rather than away from you, since this means interest. You can also try to lean more forward in her direction, since it is possible that the other person may be copying your own more distanced body language. If the other person leans forward at the same moment you do, this is a good sign, because your conversation partner is responding to your positive body language.

Opening the Palms of the Hand

Open palms are a sign of peaceful intentions. It shows that you have nothing to hide, you're unarmed, and you're mentally open to what the other person is saying.

You know that the contact is going well if you regularly see opened palms. This is a sign of openness and a signal to the other person that his words are being experienced as respectful, positive, and valuable. The more frequently a person stretches out his hands in front of him, the greater the openness and honesty he wishes to communicate. This gesture can be strengthened by spreading the fingers or bending them slightly upward, so that the hand forms a kind of cup. Communicating with opened palms improves interpersonal contact. A person whose palms are open is more easily trusted. By showing the inside of our hands, we prove that we have nothing to hide. Liars are more inclined to keep their hands concealed.

There is an historical explanation for the positive meaning attached to open hands. In the past, showing your hands in this way demonstrated that you were unarmed and had positive intentions. For this reason, open palms have been associated since ancient times with sincerity, loyalty, and willingness to listen. The signal of surrender — with the hands raised above the head — similarly shows that you do not have a weapon.

This also explains why at crucial moments religious leaders show their palms. Likewise, oaths are often taken with one hand on the heart and the other raised in an open position. This is still the case, for example, when people need to swear on the Bible during legal hearings in court.

If a person intends to be completely open and honest, she will stretch out one or both hands toward her conversation partner. If she wishes to emphasize this gesture, she will show more of the inside of her opened palm. These movements often happen wholly involuntarily, as is the case with so much of body language. When somebody is a bad liar or is trying to hide something, she will often keep her hands held behind her back. In the past, this was also a way to conceal a weapon.

Showing Your Wrists

Women who feel attracted to a man will often hold their glass in a way that exposes their wrists. This can be interpreted as a sign of openness. In other situations, it means that someone wants to emphasize their sincerity and benign intentions.

Hand Movements Near the Mouth

When someone sitting down holds his hands near his mouth and makes gestures that emphasize or support his words, this helps to ensure a good contact with his conversation partner. Holding the hands in this way emphasizes that the speaker wants to be properly understood, as though he wants to use his hands to give his words more power.

Open Hands on the Table

If during a negotiation someone pushes her glass or cup to one side — the same side as the hand she was drinking with — this is a sign of openness and acceptance. In this way, her arm movement shows that she wishes to place no barriers between herself and her conversation partner, in contrast to the impression that would be given by moving the cup or glass to the opposite side.

Talking with Your Hands

Some people have the art of being able to talk with their hands. Even if they are speaking to you in a different language, you can still understand what they mean. If you work in the training or sales sectors, talking with your hands can help your listeners to visualize what you are saying. This stimulates the right side of their brains, which processes visualizations, emotions, and intuition. In this way, you communicate with both the rational left half of the brain and with the more emotional right half, which not only makes it easier for listeners to remember new content, but also makes that content seem more convincing. Research by Zuckerman, De Paulo, and Rosenthal in 1981 has shown that liars are less inclined to support their words with their hands.

The Vertical Handshake

In Roman times, it was the custom when shaking hands to grab hold of the other person's wrist. This was a quick way to check that he was not hiding a dagger in his sleeve. Nowadays, a handshake shows that we are willing to make someone's acquaintance. It is an important element in the physical assessment of the other person's energy and vitality. Even in these days of teleconferencing, businesspeople are still prepared to pay the price of an airline ticket so that they can meet future partners face to face and can feel their handshakes. In the Middle East, a written contract is not binding until the two parties have shaken hands.

There are two aspects essential to establish a good and equal understanding during the handshake. First, it is important that both hands are in a vertical position, so that neither of the parties is superior or inferior to the other. Second, the level of pressure applied during the handshake must be the same on both sides. If one person squeezes with 70 percent force, while the other only squeezes with 50 percent, the first person should reduce his pressure by 20 percent. If the other person squeezes with 90 percent force, the first person should increase their pressure by 20 percent until it also comes up to the same level as their partner.

The person who takes the initiative to strengthen or weaken the handshake will depend on the context, the situation, and their awareness of the rules of body language. If you meet a group of ten different people, it is possible that you may also need to change the verticality and the pressure of your handshake ten times, so that you can make everyone's acquaintance on the same footing.

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Excerpted from "Without Saying a Word"
by .
Copyright © 2018 Kasia Wezowski and Patryk Wezowski.
Excerpted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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