The biggest pain in my heart was the loss of my brother. He didn’t just take his own life he took the life of this entire world with him. This world has never been the same. I wrapped that dead world up into a ball: it was a world of pain, frustration and anger. Every time those feelings tried to surface, I pushed them away. I was afraid that if I looked at those feelings again I would fall to my knees, become paralyzed with sadness and not have the strength to do what needed to be done—cut down my brother (Benjamin Butler) and try to bring him back to life.

I hated that helpless feeling as I tried to bring him back to life. Nothing hurt more than the loss of a nearby loved one. When Ben expressed his pain, frustration and anger he did not take other peoples’ feelings into consideration. When I looked at my pain, frustration and anger I felt mad at myself for feeling them. When I put my ear to the ground I heard the worldly impacts and the roaring sound of humanities’ tears pounding against the Earth; filling up all streams, rivers, and the seven seas. Perhaps, a rainbow would appear and every promise would be kept? Losing loved ones didn’t get any easier and the loss of every other loved one was inevitable. I was tempted to push everyone aside—wish everyone well and be alone.

New children have come into this world and this has helped with our healing to a degree. Children continue to brighten up this world and we don’t feel as helpless. I often think of my brother and everyone else. I know a child’s happiness and laughter doesn’t completely heal anyone. I also know that every child’s happiness and laughter will be fully restored in the end.

Although I am thankful, my openness is not meant to draw out sympathy. My sympathy goes out to all others as well; life and death are universal. We are individually motivated to seek out understanding: emotionally, mentally and physically. We will find individual peace, Collective Peace and Universal Peace.