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CHAPTER 1

How to Create the Spark You Need for a Passion-Filled Life

Do you have a philosophy that shapes your life? I do. As a matter of fact, these days I never leave home without it. It is quite a simple one, actually:

There is nothing I cannot achieve.

Maybe it doesn't sound that simple, but trust me, you will find that it is once you start living it for yourself. This philosophy is the driving force of my belief system, and it compels me to strive for excellence each and every day. Pursuing goals, both personal and professional, is key to my success. But this was not always so.

When I was younger, I had a tendency to focus on my academic career. I pursued my academic goals with zeal, but in my personal life, I lagged behind. As I matured, I realized why my personal life was not very satisfying: I was not constructing the same framework for my personal success and happiness as I was for my academic pursuits. I realized that if I wanted to achieve the same level of success with my personal life, changes needed to be made. So I went to work on creating a framework that would help me achieve both professional and personal success.

My first step was to explore interests and activities outside of my studies. Once I started looking, I gleefully discovered a world of interests that could consume and fulfill me just as much as my academic career had, and I realized that my personal triumphs could be just as remarkable as those of my academic career. My mother used to say to me, "There is no need to waste a perfectly good life waiting on moments that never come." Her wise words did not resonate with me fully until I was mature enough to see the wisdom in her philosophy. This was her way of telling me to think outside the box and unearth my true potential to achieve my greatest success. Now, I am passing that advice on to you: Never let yourself be defined by another person's expectations. Continually reject the labels people want to force on you. Once I broke free from the labels and boundaries set for me, I was able to unlock my full potential. My ability to set my own agenda and embrace my passions with abandon allowed me to see far beyond my own imagination.

Shattering Your Own Personal Expectation Ceiling

I believe we all suffer from a personal expectation ceiling. Now, you may have heard of glass ceilings before — the invisible barriers many women feel inhibit them from climbing up the corporate ladder — but we can also set our own ceiling made of our personal expectations of what we are able to achieve. These ceilings are often formed from and influenced by fears about stepping outside and exploring new challenges. Our goal is to recognize these limitations and shatter this ceiling by raising the bar and challenging ourselves to excel beyond the paths that have been chosen for us.

This is possible because we are all in charge of our own destiny. I am here to tell you that there is no room in your life for negativity and defeatist attitudes that drag you down. You can become so bogged down with negative thoughts and a "woe is me" attitude that you simply fail to achieve. Never allow other people and their "expectation ceiling"— nor even the one you make yourself — to define what you are capable of achieving. You are the captain of your ship and solely responsible for your happiness and success. The right attitude will propel you forward and allow you to shake free of the chains of others' notions that attempt to define you. You are limitless. Your ability to succeed depends on your belief in yourself and your ideas.

Here's an example from my life that illustrates how breaking free of others' expectations and the roles they have assigned to you is the best move you can make. When I was in law school, I wanted a particular law clerk position, but the people around me were intent on talking me out of it, pointing out how it would require me to pick up and move to a strange city where I would be all alone, and how the position wouldn't count toward my law school program. "Why would you want to go there and do that? Why uproot your whole life when things are fine where you are?" These were the questions I received when I talked about my plans to conquer the challenge. But I was not deterred, and I harassed (in a nice way) the hell out of a group of individuals until I got the position. Then I dug in and convinced my school to give me credit for the clerkship. And my challenge did not stop there. I also found a way, by hook and by crook, to secure a temporary place to live and a job to cover my expenses. Soon I was making my way in a new city all by myself, and it was one of the best things I could have done.

That's just one example of how other people and their negative, defeatist attitudes can try to shape your life. I could have taken their advice to heart and followed the traditional path — it certainly would have been easier. But, honestly, all the effort I put forth to achieve my goal was so worth it. I am here to tell you that once you start to figure out the life you want for yourself and then work to make it your reality, the world opens up! It is almost as though the expectation ceilings, defeatist attitudes, and negativity are dark clouds in your life that are burned away by the sunshine that is you.

Initiating Change: Two Paths Diverged in the Woods, and I Took the One Less Traveled

This same philosophy — that there is nothing you can't achieve — also applies to your personal life. I grew up in the Midwest state of Indiana, and my upbringing there instilled in me a strong sense of resistance to a "woe is me" attitude. I truly have little patience for pity parties, so please do not send me an invitation to one. I believe strongly in the idea that when you're faced with setbacks you need to brush yourself off and get on with it. If you are not going to change direction and improve your attitude or outlook when roadblocks form, then you are destined to fail. I wholeheartedly embrace the notion that, as long as we have a breath in our body, we have an opportunity to change our lives.

This is not to say that we don't all get into a funk sometimes and need some time to just shut the door and lick our wounds. We all need to escape every now and then. The problem comes when this develops into a daily habit and becomes part of your personality. I can tell you that achieving greatness is difficult, but it's nearly impossible when the bulk of your energy is used up by your perpetually holding up the wall at the pity party. That kind of mentality is toxic: it magnifies your insecurities, reinforces your self-doubt, and undermines belief in your ability to realize the life you want to live.

Enter the spark. The spark is the moment that changes everything, if you let it. It is about awareness and willingness, and being open to the potential opportunities that result from the discovery of your true passion(s). Once you open your mind to discovering new hobbies and interests, your individual spark will grow into a flame.

It may take courage and boldness to pursue them, but opportunities to expand and think outside of your comfort zone are all around you. New experiences and adventures can be discovered at every turn. You only need to be courageous and open to exciting events that can — and will — expand your horizons and help you find your true passion. Here's an example: I am not particularly fond of cold weather, but when I moved to Minnesota, I ended up meeting groups of people who loved to ski. The next thing I knew, I was joining a ski club, attending ski conferences, and, in general, having a blast. I would never have believed a girl who hates the cold as much as I do would be swooshing down the slopes having the time of her life. Am I ever going to be an Olympic skier? No, but that is not the point. The point is that I opened myself up to a new experience and found my spark. And you can too, if you believe in yourself and look for a spark that can develop into a flame, which will ultimately create the fire in your life!

This can happen on a personal level, and it can even impact you on a professional basis. Igniting your passion requires equal measures of three ingredients: art, science, and common sense.

1. Art: Use your imagination and creativity to brainstorm ideas. You can unleash your potential with the power of insight and forethought. The potential to discover something you love is at your fingertips. The art and grace of positive thinking and the avoidance of negative thoughts can propel you and ignite an ember that is difficult to extinguish.

2. Science: With scientific principles, you can quantify and see measurable results after igniting your passion. You can set goals for yourself and watch as you achieve each step. Having a set of specific rules and guidelines can spark this passion and deliver results that are tangible.

3. Common sense: The same can be said with your innate common sense. It will direct you to pursue interests you love and expand on these interests with the guiding principles of discipline, interest, enthusiasm, and a drive to succeed at a level you never thought possible.

Type-A Personalities: Why We Tend to be Unfulfilled

For some of us, getting that spark started is challenging because we let the best — and worst — of us get in the way. Everybody knows the Type-A personality stereotype: a hard-driving individual who is obsessed with perfection and drives himself and the people around him to excellence — and sometimes madness. I tend to shy away from generalizations, preferring to focus on individuals rather than labels, but I can apply this stereotype to my own personality and others I have known to form a checklist of traits we share.

Does this sound like you?

* Ambitious

* Assertive

* Competitive

* High-achiever

* Somewhat aggressive

* Sometimes controlling

* Preoccupied with status

* Sometimes highly strung

Each of these characteristics has applied to me, in varying degrees, throughout my life. At times, each trait has been dominant. The point of identifying each trait is to use it for greater fulfillment instead of letting it control your life.

The main reason I believe some Type-A personalities are not fulfilled is because they are progressing in a role based on hierarchy and societal expectations. Your families, your school, your church, your sorority, and your social club all build the framework in which you operate, and these external forces drive you. Unfortunately, this does not allow for personal growth and exploration. You are placed in a mold that has been defined by other peoples' expectations of you, and this has not allowed you to express your own individuality.

Oftentimes, we are boxed in by social sets and familial obligations, and we live in a world not of our own making. We have hobbies and activities defined by these social pressures that may not necessarily be our interests. Our job is to recognize this and push the boundaries to discover our own individuality. Otherwise, we are left unfulfilled and unhappy with our situation. The good news is that you can change this by sparking a new course for yourself.

Redefining Yourself Every Day: What It Means to Be Happy

As we grow and mature, our lives change, and we reassess what it means to "have it all." I know my priorities have changed throughout the years, as has my outlook, and I expect to reflect back in 10 years and see more significant changes to my viewpoint. This is growth, and it is good. Your perspective of life shifts as you grow with experience and maturity.

So, let us look at what defines "having it all." For some people this might mean a high-octane career, a high-achieving spouse who looks like a supermodel, two freshly scrubbed super-children, and a multi-million-dollar mansion that was decorated by the "right" decorator. However, I think the notion of "having it all" should be defined much differently. Having it all is not about material possessions and the right accessories; it's about enjoying the freedom to pursue your life goals and connect with your loved ones. Having it all also includes having your health. I cannot stress this enough. And, speaking of stress, it will affect your life and health in ways you have never imagined. Stress cripples. It is as simple as that. Stress will destroy your physical health, your emotional well-being, and your mental outlook. The key is to develop strategies to minimize stress and mold a better-rounded you. People who achieve a balanced life can give and receive love better.

Another key to "having it all" is indeed financial freedom. Along with mental and physical freedom it forms a triad that allows you to become the happiest possible version of yourself.

Our Own Version of Success: Channeling Your Potential

I am frequently asked how I define and experience success. This is an easy question, and I have my mother to thank for the answer. I define and experience success through blowing the doors off of the goals I pursue, which, to me, means doing my best each and every time. It is as simple as that.

When I was a child, my mother and I used to have battle royales about grades. I had always done well academically, but there was always a little voice in the back of my head challenging me to do better. Okay, maybe it was not a little voice; it was a big voice, and it belonged to my mother. She continually challenged me to excel. If I brought home an A-minus, then she would ask me why it was not an A. This offended me. I was at the top of my class, so I could not figure out for the life of me why she was riding me about an A-minus. I later realized that her criticism was not about the grade. It had to do with the effort I had put into receiving it. What she was really asking was, "Is this your best work, and did you study as hard as possible?" It took me some time to figure out where she was coming from, but, once I realized it, I could see her point. There is no reason to attempt something unless you are going to give it your best effort. This doesn't mean I have to excel at every endeavor. It simply means I must put forth the energy and focus to give 100 percent each time I attempt to do something.

Where's Your Flint? You Have a Spark to Make

Results do not come all by themselves. Some action or event must set things in motion to produce results. Think of this as the spark I talked about earlier. It's what creates the heat to light the flames that ignite the passion in your life. To spark, we have to use the right materials and we also must be engaged in the process.

When I was looking to add stories to this book beyond my own sparks, I looked to my colleagues and friends who have inspired me. They're not celebrities, but hopefully they will be people you can relate to. After all, the spark is not about fame or fortune; it is about you and what pushes you to make those significant, and very necessary, changes in your life.

Meet Carmen Wong

The inspirations that ignite the spark are different from person to person. For Carmen Wong, there was no one pivotal moment. Rather, she experienced a string of "aha!" moments when the lightbulb came on and she was driven to action.

Carmen was part of the first generation in her family to have access to advanced education. Although she knew this was important, it also created pressure for her to move in directions that she did not want to go. For example, to make her mother happy, Carmen started her undergraduate work as a premed major. She took one organic chemistry class before she went to her administrator and said that this was not for her. At the time, her mother was very disappointed with Carmen's subsequent choice of an art history and psychology degree. (Carmen did eventually win her mother's approval when she went to work for Christie's Auction House on Park Avenue.)

Conversely, Carmen saw her mom as an unhappy and unfulfilled woman who was not doing what she wanted to do, but rather went with what she thought the Dominican society in which she was raised expected of her. The years went by as she played her traditional role, never realizing her full potential.

When Carmen's mother passed away at the young age of 59, Carmen was hit with the realization that life is incredibly short. Still, she maintained the status quo and went to work every day at Time, Inc.'s Money Magazine, where she was an editor as well as a member of the executive diversity committee and the African-American & Asian group, and co-chair of the Hispanic Affinity Group. She lived and breathed the Time, Inc. culture; it had become her identity and all that she knew. She was a hard-working, faithful, and dedicated employee, but she felt underutilized. Everywhere she looked she saw ceilings and barriers that left her feeling unfulfilled. She kept hoping that her job would eventually lead to happiness, but as she climbed the corporate ladder, it dawned on her that happiness was not waiting around the corner.

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Excerpted from "Life at the Speed of Passion"
by .
Copyright © 2014 Eve Wright.
Excerpted by permission of Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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