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The American Heretic's Dictionary

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The American Heretic's Dictionary

Academic, adj. In reference to published materials, poorly written.

Acceptable Risk, phr. A risk to others.

Accurate, adj. In accord with one's opinions.

Adjunct, adj. Formerly "associated with" or "attached to." Today the term is used almost exclusively as a synonym for "slave," as in "adjunct faculty."

Adventure, n. A disaster in retrospect, especially one involving the pain and suffering of others.

Affirmative Action, n. 1) An exceptionally effective device devised by Democrats to elect Republicans; 2) A means of inciting workers of different races and genders to fight over crumbs, while leaving the ill-gotten gains of the parasitocracy inviolate. Synonym: "Reparations."

AFL-CIO, n. A labor organization which fiercely defends the high wages, good health benefits, short work weeks, generous pension packages, and plentiful vacation time of its own executives.

Actor, n. An individual who waits on tables, cooks, drives taxis, cashiers, takes tickets, ushers, does temp work, and, occasionally, appears on stage.

Advertising, n. The driving force behind supply-and-demand economics: the stimulation of demand for useless products through the supply of misleading claims.

Aggression, n. (esp. "naked aggression") An archaic, pejorative term formerly used in reference to preemptive defense, a prudent form of military activity which has led to the long-lasting peace and prosperity of defending nations everywhere since Napoleon preemptively defended France by marching on Moscow in 1812, to the Japanese preemptive defense at Pearl Harbor in 1941, to the U.S. preemptive defense in Iraq in 2003.

Aging, ger. The barely preferable of the two alternatives.

Agitator, n. (usually combined with the adjective "outside," as in "outside agitator") An undesirable person who risks life and limb because of concern for social justice, with no motive of personal gain. The truly villainous nature of the agitator is revealed by comparison with the "silent majority" member, who says, does, and risks nothing in the social or political sphere, who is motivated solely by desire for personal gain, and to whom "Justice" means a former outfielder for the Atlanta Braves.

Agnostic, n. 1) An atheist who craves social acceptance; 2) A person who feels superior to atheists by merit of his ignorance of the rules of logic and evidence.

Alabama, n. The "sweet home" of Lynyrd Skynyrd. The recipe for its sweetness is enshrined in its state motto: "Incestum, Tentoria, Obesitas Morbidus": "Incest, Lynchings, Morbid Obesity."

Alcoholic, n. 1) A colloquial term referring to someone who drinks too much; 2) A self-identifying label often adopted by those who quit drinking decades ago, in much the same manner as those who gave up tobacco decades ago often identify themselves as "smokers."

Alcoholics Anonymous, n. An organization which helps its members develop dependence upon tobacco, caffeine, sugar, religious concepts, and ritualized meetings in place of alcohol.

Alcoholism, n. A phenomenon characterized as physical, mental, and emotional, and treated in medical settings by nonmedical personnel with a religious program in which the patient is admitted as diseased, discharged as diseased, but permanently recovering and never recovered. (Vince Fox's excellent definition, and, in this lexicographer's opinion, the last word on the subject.)

Alive, adj. Seething with resentment.

Ambition, n. 1) Greed in the guise of virtue; 2) The desire to tread on others.

American, adj. 1) Shoddy; 2) Impoverished; 3) Obsolescent; 4) Unemployed (as in "American workers").

Americanism, n. 1) The desire to purge America of all those qualities which make it a more or less tolerable place in which to live; 2) The ability to simultaneously kiss ass, follow your boss's orders, swallow a pay cut, piss in a cup, cower in fear of job loss, and brag about your freedom.

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American Exceptionalism, n. A commonly held article of faith and an altogether sound doctrine. To wit, that the American government is exceptionally arrogant, brutal, and hypocritical, and exceptionally subservient to its corporate masters.

American People, n. One explanation for the previous terms — a rabble which, collectively, would have trouble finding its ample butt with both hands.

As H.L. Mencken so accurately, yet so poetically, put it nearly a century ago: "The American people, taking one with another, constitute the most timorous, sniveling, poltroonish, ignominious mob of serfs and goose-steppers ever gathered under one flag in Christendom since the end of the Middle Ages."

Putting the matter less poetically but more succinctly, Ralph Waldo Emerson noted: "In America the geography is sublime, but the men are not."

Anarchy, n. The worst fear of every politician. A nightmare situation in which institutionalized violence, coercion, and extortion are replaced by free association, voluntary cooperation, and mutual aid. Fortunately, governments the world over maintain secret police, informers, provocateurs, torturers, prisons, execution chambers, and herds of obedient men armed with weapons of mass destruction to guard against this dreadful possibility.

Anger, n. A sign that you're paying attention. (to paraphrase an anonymous wit)

Anti-Semitism, n. 1) A blind, unreasoning hatred of Jewish people by those who fear, with good reason, that they are inferior to Jews. (This is not to say that Jews are inherently superior to anyone else, even anti-Semites; rather, that Jewish culture encourages self-responsibility, social responsibility, learning, dedication to goals, and individual achievement — things sorely lacking in the mainstream of American culture. Hence Jews tend to be perceived as threatening "overachievers" in comparison with average, "fetch me another beer, Bubba" Americans.); 2) As defined in the United States for well over half a century, the unspeakable act of criticizing the oppression of one Semitic people by another (Palestinians by Israelis). Needless to say, this leads to gross confusion of those who seek social justice with actual anti-Semites — which is precisely the intention of those who use the term in this sense. (Curiously, the ethnicity of all of these individuals is apparently Irish, as they all readily respond to the name "McCarthy.")

Apartment Building, n. A means of extortion, the chief advantage of which is that the sheep which fall victim to it are shorn by a shears known as "rent," perhaps the most efficient means ever devised of obtaining money while performing no useful work. Further advantages are that the owner of the shears, the extortionist or "landlord," runs absolutely no legal risk and does not even need to compel the sheep to submit to their monthly shearing, that function being performed at public expense by an enforcer known as the "county sheriff."

Asshole, n. The most commonly employed word in American English. Frequently used by both sides in an argument, more often than not, accurately.

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Aphrodisiac, n. A stimulant of sexual desire. For most Americans, the aphrodisiac of choice is the rich, arousing odor of police and military boot leather. See also "Tongue."

Area 51, n. Site of the world's worst proctology clinic. (with a tip of the tin foil hat to Michael Turner, who inspired this one)

Arrogance, n. An unpleasant character trait that stands in stark contrast to the self-deprecation of those who label themselves "God's people," "the chosen," "the elect," "the redeemed," "the saved," or other suitably humble terms.

Arson, n. An indication of cash flow problems.

Artist, n. One to whom it is unwise to lend money.

Ass Kissing, ger. See "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying."

Assaulting an Officer, phr. The usual legal charge after your face assaults a nightstick. In its classic form, the charge results from an attack on six uninjured, beefy cops by an unarmed, 150-pound assailant suffering bruises, abrasions, broken bones, and internal injuries. While such assaults are common, it remains a mystery as to why, invariably, the only witnesses to such attacks are the assaulted policemen. See also "Resisting Arrest," "Reasonable Force," and "Perjury."

Astrology, n. 1) A convenient means of making a living for those otherwise unemployable, safer than loan sharking or prostitution, though not as prestigious; 2) According to its practitioners, a branch of science to which it is grossly unfair to apply the standards of science.

Atheist, n. A person to be pitied in that he is unable to believe in things for which there is no evidence, and who has thus deprived himself of a convenient means of feeling superior to others.

Atomic Weapons, n. pl. Weapons of terror which have killed at least a quarter of a million people and given nightmares to whole generations of children. While some feel that the trillions of dollars spent on these weapons and their delivery systems could have been better invested in education, housing, health care, population control, economic development, and feeding the hungry, it should be remembered that atomic weapons have kept the peace for over seven decades — except in Afghanistan, Algeria, Angola, Armenia, Azerbaijan, Bosnia, Cambodia, Chad, Chechnya, Congo, Croatia, Cuba, Cyprus, East Timor, Egypt, El Salvador, Eritrea, Ethiopia, The Falklands, Grenada, Guatemala, Honduras, Hungary, India, Iran, Iraq, Israel, Jordan, Korea, Kosovo, Kurdistan, Kuwait, Laos, Lebanon, Libya, Mozambique, Nicaragua, Pakistan, Palestine, Panama, Rwanda, Saudi Arabia, Serbia, Somalia, Sudan, Syria, Tibet, Vietnam, Western Sahara, Yemen ... (with apologies to a writer, whose name I've forgotten, who pointed this out in Freedom many years ago; and with a tip of the hat to Mick Berry, who suggested adding Detroit to the above list, which I declined to do so as not to belabor the obvious)

Attractive, adj. 1) Old, fat, bald, impotent — and incredibly wealthy. This, of course, refers only to those qualities most women find attractive. For most men, the attractive qualities run as follows: vain, frivolous, selfish, shrewish — and having a great rack. (Our apologies for the gratuitous crudity; we meant "having a great personality."); 2) As used in personals ads by both men and women, "not hideous."

ATV, n. A motorized offroad vehicle. The common assumption that the acronym stands for All Terrain Vehicle is, however, incorrect. ATV actually stands for Asshole Transport Vehicle. (apologies to our friends at The Gloo Factory who pointed this out on a bumper sticker ages ago; apologies also to the very few ATV riders who use them for work rather than for despoliation of the environment)

Automobile, n. For most women, a means of transportation. For most men, an indication of penis envy or, more charitably, a metallic penis extension.

Avenge, v. To prolong a conflict.

Average, adj. Of poor quality, as in "the average man" and "average IQ." As George Carlin once put it, "Think about how stupid the average person is. Then realize that half of them are stupider than that."

B

Bad Faith, adj. phr. A redundant modifier occasionally inserted, as if for comic effect, before the words "lawsuit" and "prosecution."

Bad Guys, phr. A term habitually used by analysts at the Children's News Network in deference to the sophistication of its audience. (with a tip of the hat to the anonymous realist who decrypted the acronym CNN)

Badge, n. Impunity. (with apologies to Bierce, who said the same of wealth)

Banks, n. pl. Pillars of the American economic system, banks serve the needs of the working poor in much the same manner that a pack of hyenas serves the needs of a wounded water buffalo.

Bar of Justice, phr. A common malapropism often used as a synonym for "court of law." When used in this sense, the proper form of the phrase is "bar to justice."

Bargain, n. An incredible buy on something you will never, ever use. (Chalk this one up to the well known wit, Anonymous.)

Baseball, n. As played in the National League, the One True Faith. The dumbed-down version played in the American League merits discussion as little as it merits the designation "baseball." As former standout major league pitcher and four-time All Star Tim Hudson once said, "A monkey could manage an American League team."

Basketball, n. Proof that childhood glandular disorders need not impair adult earnings potential.

Bayonet, n. As traditionally defined, a weapon with a worker on both ends.

Belief, n. 1) As commonly used, a religious term meaning "wishful thinking." This definition should come as no surprise, given that many religious folk have so little respect for honesty, so little understanding of logic, and (for good reason) so little confidence in their ability to evaluate evidence and theories that they actually maintain that one can choose one's beliefs. As Nietzsche put it so accurately, "Belief means not wanting to know what is true"; 2) As uncommonly used, "belief" is a religious term meaning actual belief, that is, acceptance of a proposition as literally true and acting in accord with that acceptance. To put this another way, as the hosts of "The Man Show" did decades ago in reference to the Heaven's Gate suicide cult, "cutting off your balls and drinking the Kool-aid — that's belief."

Believer, n. One who wisely chooses to avoid unnecessary work, especially that of thinking for himself.

Bereavement, n. A feeling of anguish caused by the death of a loved one or, more often, the reading of a will.

Beret, n. A favored means of calling attention to one's baldness. Less striking than the "comb over," but equally effective.

Best, adj. (often "the best") A term used when recommending what-ever's in stock. Synonym: "Inferior," referring to whatever competitors have in stock.

Bestiality, n. Sick, perverted sex between a human being and a registered Republican.

Betters, n. pl. Those who are better than other people, in much the same manner that tapeworms are better than ruminants, the theory being that the more parasitic you are, the better you are.

Bias, n. A pejorative term normally used in reference to journalists, meaning: 1) The reporting of facts that are embarrassing to the powers that be; 2) The ability to draw obvious conclusions from observed facts.

Bible, n. According to Albert Ellis, a tome which, despite having a few good parables, is "one of the crappiest self-help books ever written."

Bisexual, adj. Having a very good chance — in fact, twice the national average — of finding a date on Saturday night. (with apologies to Woody Allen, who we think was the originator of this chestnut, but in somewhat different form)

[to] Blame, v. A popular Christian mass participation sport involving real or perceived social problems. This sport, termed "assigning blame," is far more enjoyable — especially when blame is misplaced — than the tedious task of actually understanding social problems, especially so in that assigning blame almost invariably leads to an even more enjoyable and morally uplifting activity: the infliction of pain.

Blowtorch, n. The preferred means of treatment for herpes outbreaks.

Boldness, adj. Foolhardiness tinged with arrogance.

Bootlicking, ger. A popular American mass participation sport which is rapidly displacing baseball as the national pastime.

Border Dispute, n. (also called "Territorial Dispute" and, occasionally, "Border Skirmishing") A rumble between armed gangs controlled by national governments or other criminal organizations. Synonym: "Turf War."

Bomb, n. A means of persuasion. When employed by those in power, its use is customarily termed "necessary" and "in the national interest," and those who use it are customarily described as "tough" and "courageous." When a bomb is employed by those out of power, its use is customarily termed "terrorism," and those who employ it are customarily described as "ruthless" and "cowardly."

Bored, adj. See "Employed."

Boredom, n. Laziness lurking behind a mask of self-pity. (with a nod to Thomas M. Disch, who inspired this one)

[to be] Born Again, v. One of two physiologically impossible acts associated with fundamentalist Christians. Fundamentalists claim to have already participated in one of these impossible acts, and one can't help but hope that they will soon, collectively, perform the other upon themselves.

Bribe, n. See "Speaking Fee."

Brown, adj. A nose color favored by your boss.

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Excerpted from The American Heretic's Dictionary by Chaz Bufe, J.R. Swanson. Copyright © 2016 Chaz Bufe. Excerpted by permission of See Sharp Press.
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