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Men Are From Cyberspace

The Single Woman's Guide to Flirting, Dating, and Finding Love On-line

St. Martin's Press

Setting Yourself Up

THE BIG THREE

We are going to assume that you already own a computer, so we won't go over the boring details about equipment and the PC versus Mac debate. To each her own computer. If you want to know more about the technical stuff, ask a guy when you're next on-line; guys love talking about computers and especially love to offer their opinions about what kind of computer to buy.

In the old days, guys would talk about sports and cars in the same rhapsodic way that they now discuss computers. Nowadays, the question, "How big is your hard drive?" has replaced, "What kind of car do you drive?" Many women are also into computers, which is great, because the more you know, the more fun you can have with them. (It won't hurt you professionally either.)

We will refer throughout the book to at least one of the Big Three commercial on-line services: America Online (AOL), Prodigy, and CompuServe. These services are available through subscription only, and they all provide access to the entire Internet. The Big Three phone companies (AT&T, MCI, and Sprint) also offer on-line service connections, but have yet to enter the chat room and romance business.

America Online (800-4-ONLINE) is the largest commercial on-line service with more than 6 million subscribers. Its size has created some large-scale problems with people unable to sign on at certain times. But it does offer the widest selection of romance sites, chat rooms, bulletin boards, and special forums for singles.

CompuServe (800-848-8199) is the second largest with more than 4 million members, but it's targeted to business types and has only a few romance features for singles. It does offer tons of special-interest bulletin boards, newsgroups, games, and a chat area for live conversations. This service has a large international membership, so if you're looking for love outside the U.S. borders, you might want to choose CompuServe.

Prodigy (800-776-3449) has just 1.5 million members, but it is extremely romance-friendly. You can also connect to Prodigy through the Internet, rather than dialing the on-line service directly.

In addition to the Big Three, you can get on-line through the Microsoft Network (800-3733696), which you automatically receive with Windows 95 or better. It is connected to the MSNBC television network, but it's still in its infancy, so romance-seekers should probably invest in one of the more established commercial services.

There are also Internet Service Providers (ISPs), which are different from the commercial services in that they provide only E-mail service and Internet access. The great thing about ISPs, though, are the low monthly fees and unlimited access to the Web at no extra cost. You can always get an ISP in addition to one of the Big Three.

Ask friends to suggest an ISP in your area, or, if you have access to the Web via AOL, go to www.thelist.com/ for a listing of ISPs by state and area code. When you find one in your town or city, call and ask about their low-cost plans. Don't forget to ask about technical support as well.

Now that you're launched, let's get down to the serious business of finding love in cyberspace.

There are so many people on-line. How can I stand out among all the other women in cyberspace?

Your member profile and screen name(s) are your major calling cards. They give you the chance to create an on-line personality, or more than one. On AOL, you can select up to five screen names and profiles. This gives you the opportunity to tap into the "Sybil" inside all of us. Sometimes you're in the mood for intelligent conversation; sometimes you just want to get down and dirty. (Yes, some women like to talk sexy, too.)

Creating a profile is the Internet equivalent of wearing a negligee or your prep-school pleats. When you sign on, you can choose the personality you want to display that day. Here's what Lisa has in her AOL profile:

Screen name: SrtaLisa (Señorita Lisa) Member name: Lisa S. Location: New York City, NY USA Birth date: Gemini Sex: Female Marital status: Single Computer: Power Mac Hobbies: Spanish, movies, traveling, media junkie, scuba diving Occupation: Writer Quote: Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Sometimes the screen name you've chosen has already been taken, so you'll have to come up with another one. In any case, be creative and original. To reveal Lisa's interest in scuba diving, she tried the screen name SharkBait, but it was taken. So she tried Mermaid instead. Both are kind of sexy and convey info about her love of the sea. Lisa now uses five screen names at different times depending on her mood or intention.

SrtaLisa is the name she uses most often when she feels like talking to men. Since Srta is short for Señorita, it tells the guy that Lisa speaks Spanish. It shows that she is female without being too risqué. (A name like Candy4U would provoke an entirely different response.)

Lisa had the following conversation with a man from Italy who sent her a message after seeing her SrtaLisa screen name:

Synesisl: I bet you are from Spain?

SrtaLisa: No, but I speak Spanish. And you?

Synesisl: A little of everything.

SrtaLisa: Where are you from?

Synesisl: Italy!

SrtaLisa: Do you live in Italy?

Synesisl: Yes. In Bari.

SrtaLisa: Are you in Italy right now?

Synesisl: Yes! I am using the World Wide Web.

SrtaLisa: My very first international message! I have been to Bari and Brindisi to take the ferry to Corfu.

Synesisl: Listen, I don't know when I will be able to be connected again ... and if I will be connected to you. But if you travel to Bari again, you can leave a message with Franco at the Airport of Palese. He will know where I will be at the time.

Sometimes Lisa uses her screen name, PrfctBound (short for perfect bound), which has publishing as well as sexy connotations. This lets her save SrtaLisa for her more demure persona. She wanted to attract literary types with a good sense of humor. She did meet the editor of a city magazine this way. He used a computer flower to pick her up. It worked:

MOE33: @} - - -> - - - - - A flower for you.

PrfctBound: Gee, thanks. I love it.

MOE33: You're welcome. I was just giving up hope of your returning my message.

MOE33: Great name, by the way.

PrfctBound: You get it!

MOE33: I'm a magazine editor, I better.

PrfctBound: I was hoping a sexy guy in publishing would notice!

MOE33: .

Then later ...

Moe33: Would you like to get naked with me?

PrfctBound: That was fast ... what happened to ?

Moe33: I was blushing the whole time I asked.

As these examples show, to stand out among all the other cybergals, it's important to choose your screen name (and develop your profile) with the same care that you would use in deciding what to wear on a real-life date.

How important is the personal quote?

Some member profiles and romance Web sites give you the opportunity to select a personal quotation. The personal quote is just another insight into your character and personality. It can also provide the launching pad for a discussion when you first meet online.

When choosing a personal quote, you can be provocative, poetic, or witty (it helps if you're naturally funny). By choosing a line from the theme song of The Mary Tyler Moore Show ("Who can turn the world on with her smile?") for one of her screen names, Lisa was greeted by men who were also fans of the show.

One fellow from London who was not familiar with the TV theme song thought it was a quaint expression of her sunny outlook on life, so you might want to consider a more universal quote if your search goes beyond the cultural boundaries of North America. Avoid using cliches such as "Let a smile be your umbrella." Think image. Think sexy. Think smart. You can also choose a line from your favorite film, song, author, or pundit.

For PrfctBound, Lisa chose the quote, "You know how to whistle, don't you?" She attracts intelligent, classic-movie fans with that one. Some know how to finish the phrase with, "You just put your lips together and blow." Those are the guys who get a response.

What's the best way to pick up a guy on-line?

It depends on what you're looking for. If it's cybersex you want, go into any romance room, where you'll find plenty of horny men. As a woman, you will be immediately surrounded by guys vying for your attention. Like strutting peacocks, they will try to win you over with their best lines of prose. Choose the guy who strikes your fancy, and go into a private room. Start with some verbal foreplay and let your imagination and fingers run wild!

If it's a serious relationship you're looking for, go into a member-created chat room with a topic that interests you. Forget about the guys who open with, "pussy wet?" If he's only interested in cybersex, you'll soon know. On the other hand, if he asks what you look like (though ideally, that question should be asked much later in the conversation), and you say, "I'm a tall, blonde knockout with double Ds, and I don't mean my grades," then you are the one taking the chat in another direction.

If you're in a chat room on AOL, maybe having a conversation, maybe just "lurking" (hanging out without participating), you'll hear a little chime as if Tinkerbell had just flown in. A box appears on your screen with the name of a guy and his private greeting. This is called an IM or Instant Message. (After doing this for a while, you'll notice that IM really means "Instant Men.") This is a private message that can't be seen by the rest of the room. You can also initiate a conversation with a guy by sending him a private message.

As soon as you meet a guy who seems nice, check his member profile. This will give you some ideas for subjects to talk about. It could be something about where he lives—"Oh, I'm from New York, too"—or about his hobbies, or about the quote he selected. If his quote says, "I'm still the master of my domain," you can have a chat about the latest Seinfeld episode. Plus, you don't have to knock yourself out being clever (although it's great if you are) because he's the one who's courting you.

Next, you'll have a conversation where you learn more about the guy and you reveal a little bit about yourself. After a while, you might sign off and arrange for a time to chat again on-line. Whether you are being picked up or doing the trolling, make sure you open the chat with lines that will reel them in, instead of making them jump out of the tank.

You Have E-Male

FINDING AND MEETING GUYS ON-LINE

One of the best places to meet men on-line are in the chat rooms, a location on a commercial service or Web site where strangers are in live communication with one another. It's like talking on the phone, only you are reading what the other person is saying. You can read the whole conversation and join in with your own comments, or just lurk. It's usually better to lurk before you leap so you can get the feel of the room or the thread of the conversation before jumping in.

Even better are the newsgroups (or discussion groups), a network of bulletin boards that provide special-interest forums on everything from the Bible to The X-Files. They are without a doubt the coolest thing about the Net. Some newsgroups have an administrator who selects which messages get posted and which get spiked. Others are supervised by the participants themselves.

There are more than 20,000 newsgroups on the Usenet system, and some of the most popular ones have tens of thousands of readers who log on regularly to check out the latest info on their favorite field, hobby, political, or sexual bent. (See Chapter 11, Becoming a Newsgroupie, for a sample listing.)

What's the deal with the chat rooms? Where are the good ones?

Here's the deal: Most of the chat rooms created by the larger on-line services such as AOL are lame, and the people who gather there are BORING. If you're new at chat-room chatter, visit the New Member Lounge to get your feet wet. Then, check out the best chat rooms, which are the ones created by the members themselves. You will eventually discover which ones are your favorites and begin to recognize the cast of characters who inhabit them (or become a character yourself). The nice thing about frequenting a chat room is that it becomes like a local hangout, an on-line "Cheers," if you will, where everybody knows your name—screen name, that is.

Each service has a different way to access chat rooms. On AOL, for example, you start at the Main Menu and click onto People Connection. That will bring you into a chat room immediately. This is the "lobby." The box at the top of the screen tells you how many people are in the room (the maximum is twenty-three). It also tells you the names of the people who just entered the room (including yours). On Prodigy, you can JUMP to "chat" before you even sign on, and you'll be placed immediately at the entrance to the chat facility. A few more clicks and you're in. On CompuServe the magic word is GO.

Once you're in a chat room, you can lurk, join in the conversation, check member profiles to see who's interesting enough to send a private message to, or go into other rooms to see what's happening there.

To check out the other "official" rooms in AOL, click on Public Rooms and scroll down the list of categories and topics such as News, Sports, and Finance; Romance; Over Forty; Arts and Entertainment; Teen Chat; or Thirtysomething. You'll also see a box labeled Member Rooms. If you click on there, you'll be able to see the list of topics that were created by other online members.

Since your goal is to find a date, you might want to pick the room with your geographic location such as Virginians Online or NYC Room. If there isn't one, you can start one. Some member rooms have a sexual theme such as Hopelessly Romantic or Cross-Dressers. There are also plenty of places to find fellow hobby enthusiasts such as bladers or runners, and later on we'll tell you where.

How do I find the newsgroup that's right for me?

If you are on AOL, you can use the "search all newsgroups" button on the main screen and type in your topic of interest. This will give you all the newsgroups available on AOL, though not all of the newsgroups available on the Net (as a protection to minors). If you want to find those, you need to know the name of the newsgroup in order to access it. (For CompuServe, Go: Newsgroups; Prodigy, Jump: Newsgroups.)

Newsgroups are organized by categories or topics called hierarchies. The newsgroup will break down its content from left to right. For example, alt.binaries.pictures.personal is a specific newsgroup that allows you to exchange pictures with other users.

"Alt" stands for alternative groups. Although this does not mean alternative (deviant) topics, there are more than enough sexually oriented newsgroups, if that's what you're looking for. But the entire alt.* listing also contains newsgroups for your favorite musical artist as well as your most fervent social or political issue.

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Excerpted from Men Are From Cyberspace by Lisa Skriloff, Jodie Gould. Copyright © 1997 Lisa Skriloff. Excerpted by permission of St. Martin's Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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