Table of Contents
About the Author 10
Acknowledgments 11
The Announcement 13
Turning Loss into Gain 16
Then "Why Am I Hesitating? 17
Being Out of Control of "Making It Better" 20
What to Say and What Not 21
So You've Already Blown It 22
Your Personal, Private Fears 24
Isn't Adoption Really Just Long-Term Temporary Care? 24
Bonding 29
But They'll Be So Different from Us! 32
What about Race? 34
Can Older or Disabled Children "Fit"? 35
Open Adoption? We Don't Want to Share! 37
Will I Be the "Real Grandparent"? 39
What If It Doesn't Work? 40
How Adoption Works: The Facts vs the Myths 45
"Just Relax: After Adopting, You'll Get Pregnant" 46
How People Adopt 47
Statistics 50
The Kids 51
The Cost 53
Changing PracticeOpen Adoption vs Confidential Adoption 55
The Homestudy/Family Preparation 58
Getting Ready 63
The Wait 63
International 64
Special Needs Placements 65
Domestic Infant Placement 65
Respecting Privacy Boundaries 67
Pregnant by Adoption 69
Health Care for Expectant Adopters 72
The Sympathetic Pregnancy 75
Nesting 77
They're Back? 81
Practical PreparationExpecting by Adoption 82
Home at Last! 84
Naming as Claiming 84
Arrival Issues 87
Circling the Wagons 89
The Baby Blues 93
Parenting in Adoption 96
Age at Arrival Issues 96
Infancy 96
Toddlerhood 100
Pre-School and Elementary School-Aged Kids 102
Teens 104
The Post-Institutionalized Child 104
Adoption Issues through a Lifetime 106
In Infancy and Toddlerhood 106
At School 107
In Adolescence 109
In Adulthood 109
Expanding the Family Culture 111
Family HeritageStories, Traditions, and Heirlooms 111
Understanding and Including Your Grandchild's Birthfamily 114
Special Issues 116
When You Were Adopted Yourself1 116
If You Were Adoptive Parents, Too 117
When Your Kids Are New Parents at "Grandparent Age" 117
When This Is a Second Marriage 119
Foster Grandchildren 119
Adoption and the Rest of the World 121
Recognizing AdoptismYour Own and Others' 122
Adoption in the Media 127
Adoption Language 129
Adoption Awareness Month 134
How You Can Learn More 136
Books, Newsletters, Magazines 136
Internet Sites 137
Support Groups 138
Conferences 139
An Addendum: Top Five "Hot Buttons" Not to Push! (Or Open Mouth, Extract Foot) 140
5 "What about the money?" (Didn't your mother teach you it 'was bad manners to talk about money, politics and religion?) 140
4 "Adoption connections aren't real connections anyway!" (Do you really want to say "You can do better than this?") 142
3 "Adoptedpeople are 'flawed."' (The bad seed myth or racism) 144
2 "Didn'tyou know that..." (Ignorance isn't bliss in personal relationships) 146
1 "Now you'll get pregnant! They always do." 148
Index 150