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Why Did You Give Up The Koochie And Now You Mad

Balboa Press

Chapter One

I have often said, "Forgiveness is not solely for the person who committed an offense. It is equally necessary for the one offended." An offended person believes that if they forgive the offense and offender, it releases them of their guilt. That is what forgiveness does ... forgive and release. However, offended hearts resist accepting this truth.

Blinded by the offense, and the resistance to let go; they refuse to commit their heart to forgive. They believe the pain is too grievous an injury to exculpate. Therefore, because of the grave hurt and severe pain, offended people hold their afflictions close. They clinch to the pain as if it were a weapon to ward off any future threats of heartache.

Often, offended people drown in their own hurt and anguish. They refuse to forgive and release the person who affected the wrong, as well as the offense done against them. Through their painful eyes, they have become blind, not seeing the need to release or forgive the guilty. They believe the wrong doing was too devastating and the pain unjustifiably. The inability to forgive can cause people to relive the act of the offense repeatedly, even if it occurred five, ten, or twenty years prior. The realism of present life smothers in past pain.

Negative pain left untreated affects all manner of life. Untreated pain hinders cultivation of healthy relations. God graced us with this rewarding pleasure, the capacity to spend our lives with other people. Pain infringes upon this desire to spend. We withhold giving, loving, laughing, and living life, as hurt restricts our forward movement to continue to spend or love.

Pain causes us to feel as though we are spent, leaving us too afraid to give anything else. It causes us to feel we already emptied ourselves of all we had. "Enough already, I can take no more, I have nothing left to give, I have had enough." Although alive, people stop living at the point of pain, and life has the tendency to pass by them. In truth, we spend our heart every day, on joys as well as sorrows, sadness as well as gladness.

Pain is exhausting and humiliating, numbing the best of vibrant souls. What value does life offer, if too numb to spend life? The living spends life on hurt and pain, pleasure and gladness. Life comes with a number of surprises, some to our delight, and some to our dismay. Nevertheless, God bestowed life upon us to live, and to live fully, in spite of obstacles. Who wants to live and die unspent, having not given their all? What we learn from life's experiences are priceless.

We are going to spend our lives on many happenings in life; unfortunately, on occasion, it includes a measure of suffering. Our journey through life is part pleasure and part pain. At times, more pain than pleasure. We welcome pleasure while despising pain; after all, why the need to suffer? We prefer to live without the cost of any displeasure. However, when we learn to lean on God, and cast our cares upon Him, He is faithful to strengthen us through every discomfort.

Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concernsonce and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully (1st Peter 5:7AMP).

As long as we are alive, life will present a host of circumstances, which will shape, form, and stretch us beyond our own imaginary limits. We experience good, bad, and the indifferent mixed into the cycle of our life. Painful experiences, though unwanted, heighten our understanding and provoke a compassion for others we would not encompass. A crisis can turn into a powerful testimony to inspire others who endured similar hardships.

Pain is a part of our human experience. It is like an unexpected thief you did not expect. It surprises you. It strikes in places we did not necessarily anticipate, and though we must suffer it, we cannot let the heartache become paralyzing. How do we stop it, and end the pain? One-way to lessen the sting is through forgiveness. Forgiveness not only releases pain, but also releases you from the weight of not forgiving.

God's Grace

God grants us the grace to overcome misfortunes. He placed within our spirit the power to forgive. If we refuse the grace given to us, we embitter ourselves by denying what we can overcome. When we deny God's gift of forgiveness, we hold to pain we can release. Unreleased pain will birth fear. Fear will spread like a wildfire through all areas of life. It impedes the ability to trust. If fear indoctrinates you, you will expel people you should embrace, and judge people by what you have suffered. You will see through fear and pain, which disqualifies the reason to forgive. You will live, just not to the fullest extent possible.

A broken heart does not forgive easily, and brokenness is susceptible to its destruction. People the closest feel the greatest impact. Heartbroken people, who do not forgive, become bitter. When you interact with them most of the time, they are angry. You have no delight in their company. It is not as though you no longer love them. Rather, you choose to avoid contamination from the poison leaking, and oozing from their person.

Heartbroken people can act mean-spirited and sabotage friendships by their attitude and conduct. People, who hurt, hurt people, whether intentionally or not. Usually, people closest to hurt people suffer affliction the most. If not careful, hurting people end up alone, as their pain turns destructive towards self, and those around them. Forgiveness is the most critical step toward restoration of a broken heart. "Do not stay in prison when God graced you with the power to be free. Learn to forgive."

God graces all humanity with the gift to forgive. Each person holds a set of keys called, "keys of forgiveness." Each set will open any door to release the heart and mind through passage to freedom. As one has the control to imprison his heart, he also controls the power to free his heart through forgiveness.

Forgiveness sets the self-imprisoned captive free. I say, "Self- imprisoned, because no one controls the power to imprison you, except you." Neither offense nor offender has authority to take away your power; you give your power away. When unable to forgive offender and offense, a person empowers the offender and strengthens the grasp of the offense, by not releasing them through forgiveness. God graced the prisoner with the keys to release self. It is necessary the prisoner realize they have the keys to open the cage and free their heart. "Use your set to unlock the door and free yourself."

The Pardon of Sin

Scripture teaches if we want pardoning for our indiscretions, we must also forgive those who have dealt with us unjustly (Matthew 6:14-15). Is it easy to forgive? No! Forgiveness is a challenging conflict within our soul. However, with God's grace, He strengthens us to forgive. God graced us to not only forgive, but also forget. On activating forgiveness, it stimulates the healing process to begin.

When circumstances reverse, how do we respond as offenders not the offended? How do we react when we need forgiveness for our indiscretions? How do we handle our guilty hands? When we injure the life of someone, do we not hope and wish forgiveness? Do we not want freedom from our guilt? "Most people do."

If our pride humbles itself, we will go to the injured party and ask for forgiveness. If proud, we act in arrogance and resist asking, too embarrassed to admit we were wrong. We puff in a false image of self, and rest comfortably in deception's stupidity, resisting the truth of our own error.

Interestingly, if we are sorry for the pain, we caused; our hearts will move our mouths to ask for something we do not deserve. We do not ask for forgiveness because we deserve it. We ask because we understand the negative effect against another human life. Guilty of the charges, we should admit our wrong, and ask forgiveness. The injured party should know from our innermost being that we are sorry.

When we ask for forgiveness, we make peace with us, and the offended person. When the person refuses to grant forgiveness, they remain the same. Nevertheless, as for you, you have done what is right. You are no longer bound, live your life released. Pray the one injured learns forgiveness, so they may know freedom.

As God has gracefully forgiven us; so ought we to forgive also. When God forgives us, we make peace with God and the faults between us and God no longer exist. We live in peace, knowing God set us free from our guilt.

The 490 Principal

Not long ago I listened to a Sunday morning service preached by Bishop Robert E. Hooks on forgiveness. He had my undivided attention as he quoted Matthew 18:21-22.

21 Then Peter came and said to Him, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? "Up to seven times", he asked? 22 Jesus said to him," I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven (NASB).

When he finished quoting the Scripture, he asked the congregation, "How many times is seventy times seven?" He answered, "Four-ninety. Four hundred and ninety times a day is how many times you are to forgive someone who offends you. He said, 'I do not think someone offends anyone that many times in one day. If someone offends you, just say 490.'"

The congregation laughed; however, we understood exactly what he meant. I smiled, while saying to myself, "I will keep that sermon on the tip of my mind." When he closed his powerful message, sure enough, before service ended, I had to apply the 490 principle.

While on my knees praying for someone, another person passed me while kneeing me in the head. Imagine that! I received a single blow to my head while petitioning God. Now let me ask, "Do you think you could retain the spiritual tenacity to continue your petition?" I tell you of a truth. The force stopped my prayer for about fifteen seconds, but who is counting.

Within those fifteen seconds, "I thought what was so important for the hurry." I recognized the person's voice as they rushed past me. While still on my knees with my eyes closed, I continued petitioning God on the behalf of the person with whom I prayed. I did not want my temporary distraction to undermine the effectiveness of my prayer. I gathered myself and continued to pray. I let it go. So I thought.

You notice the phrase in the last sentence, "I let it go, so I thought." Ok, here comes the truth. Now, when I finished praying, I reflected on what happened and considered addressing the person, since I recognized their voice. I deliberated my approach, and carefully considered what I would say. I could feel an irritation rise.

Now as I considered the reasons for making my injury known, a thought interrupted my calculating mind, "What are you doing?" The thought stopped me in my tracks. I realized the reason for my premeditated actions were not appropriate. Honestly, after God graciously interrupted my prideful notions, I knew my actions would not have been fitting.

Pride can mess you up. You see; it was not the fact that I felt a brisk knee smash into the side of my head. It was the individual's nerve to ignore me as though nothing happened. I thought surely, "You must have felt the impact." I realized my feelings suffered the greatest injury, not my head.

It never ceases to amaze me how feelings can prompt you to engage in an otherwise "walk- a- way" predicament, especially after looking at my own. If you are not careful, your pride will cause you to act indignant. Thank God for saving me from my foolishness, a thought, fueled by pride; provoking my disposition. It reminded me of how often we respond to what we feel instead of reacting intellectually to what we know. I too am guilty. However, thank God, through His mercy, we receive grace to act spiritually proper.

The Principle in Marriage

Several years ago I sat in a courtroom for a divorce proceeding. After many years of marriage, a friend decided to divorce her husband. The Judge called her to the stand and asked her reason for separation. She began with a problem, which occurred, many years prior. I listened as she explained what took place. I sat perplexed, as she told stories which occurred at her grandmother's home. Her grandmother had gone to see the Lord some time ago. After a few minutes, I realized the accounts she related occurred more than twenty-five years ago. She recalled several incidents of assault before their marriage.

After the proceedings, I drove home puzzled. We lived-in distant cities, and saw each other on occasion. However, she never expressed any abuse, and always spoke about doing well and enjoying her life.

I reflected on what she said and questioned, "What madness has she lived?" She did not say the physical assaults continued. However, she expressed she suffered mistreatment years ago. Interestingly, her allegations were not contingent upon any current charges. What she made clear was this; what happened twenty-five years ago still grieved her soul. She never forgave, therefore never healed from past hurt.

Twenty-five years later, her heart still needed healing from those early years. Her original injury became the foundation on which all other offenses; hurts; pains; injuries, and bruises grew. Every offense after the initial one built a fortress of bitterness and eventual hatred for her husband. She did not forgive those first accounts and held those charges against him. She did not like him or love him, and she later told me she just could not live with him anymore.

Traditional Ideas

God created marriage as a close and intimate union between husband and wife. Yet, for some it seems a difficult commitment. How do you build a marriage? On what premise do men and women base their ideology? My husband and I are marriage coaches in our ministry. During our coaching sessions, interestingly, both husband and wife share examples of the role of their father or mother. They explain their parents' conduct and believe what they witnessed is the model for their marriage. They grasp similar expectations and even believe in tolerating certain behaviors.

Usually, both parties extract behaviors they think they should mimic. Somehow, each sees their marriage through observations of their parents. They believe it is the foundation for building their own union. They do not understand what perhaps worked in their parents' home will not work in theirs.

These ideas quickly frustrate, as husband and wife do not understand their futile methods. A husband ought to understand his wife is not his mother, nor is he her father. Neither husband nor wife should expect their spouses to resemble their parent in quality or form. These are false hopes, which create dissatisfaction toward either spouse. "Parents may be the first example, but not all examples are necessarily the best for your unique union."

Married couples must live in the reality of their own marriage. They must discover the healthiest and most productive way for them to live, based on understanding each other. Through understanding, they must learn how to build a great and thriving marriage. When trying to incorporate someone else's ideas into their marriage, it causes conflict. The expectations are false. A husband and wife must figure out between themselves what works best for their marriage.

We encourage married couples to see themselves as, "The Team." We encourage them to understand the responsibility they choose to impose on the other. The team decides and agrees on roles and responsibilities, according to what works best in their unique marriage. The team decides how well they work and flow with one another. They can choose to blend effortlessly, or choose a hellish struggle. Husband and wife must decide the union they want to build. In addition, reminding themselves to support one another as they build.

Do you remember when you first met your heartthrob? The excitement you experienced in the presence of your love. The respect and honor you held for them. The joy you felt when asked to help and the pleasure associated with satisfying their need. These characteristics cannot dissipate. You learn how to continue in respect and honor, love and adoration.

Whatever you did to capture the heart, whatever kindness, whatever gentleness, whatever passion, whatever manner of love yielded, must be upheld, and by no means allowed to lessen. The lack of these things causes the heart to stumble. Nurture love throughout marriage, and allow love to remain obvious. Pits, holes, and trouble appear on the road as you journey. "Remember why you fell in love."

Learn each other. Scripture teaches to live with understanding (1st Peter 3:7). The reference is for husbands towards wives. Yet, can a wife live harmoniously with her husband without knowledge of his person? She must know and understand him as well. Invest the time and energy needed to know the soul of your spouse ... the person you cannot see. Spend quality time knowing how he thinks, what he feels, understanding his ambitions, and determination in life. Understand understanding his ambitions, and determination in life. Understand what cultivates your relations, and know what is good for you both. Learn to complement and compromise. Serve each other's interest. Do what is best to build a strong, passionate and fruitful marriage.

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from Why Did You Give Up The Koochie And Now You Mad by Shadoew Rose Terrell Copyright © 2012 by Shadoew Rose Terrell. Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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