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When I Lost My Parents

A Memoir

AuthorHouse LLC

"I HAVE MOTHER"

One day I was sitting in my mother's room and just thinking about all that was happening. I felt a mother is the most precious gift one can have. An Indian movie, "Deewar" directed by Yash Chopra with Amitab Bachchan and Shashi Kapoor, has a scene with two brothers; they meet in the place where they grew up homeless. Now one brother has become very rich, powerful gangster and the other brother is a police inspector living at home with their mother. In the scene, both brothers are confronting each other.

The gangster brother speaks: "We both grew up in this place and look what I have today: buildings, cars, money, power. And what do you have?"

The other brother is quiet, and then says, "I have Mother."

As I thought about this scene (written by Salim Khan and Javed Akhtar), I thought, how true it is.

The wealth of the whole world or the mother, which one would you chose?

HOSPITAL JOURNEY

Moments from the days, weeks, and months spent in hospitals and rehab clinics flood back:

January 17th 2004, mother was not feeling too well. These days it's a dilemma, not knowing what will happen to my mother. My sister said to me, "You should not put chains of your love onto mother. When our love is very strong in a cosmic way we can hold them in limbo. Let God do what is right for her."

One day, I asked my mother if she wanted to go to God. She pointed her hand upward, suggesting it's up to God. I asked her if she wanted to get better and come home, she signaled "yes". One day, I was very sad, not understanding what was happening and how to deal with it. My sister reminded me what Lord Krishna has said in "Gita". He has said, soul never dies. Knowing philosophy did not ease my pain at that time.

PRIMARY DOCTOR GOES ON VACATION WITHOUT TELLING YOU

In the month of February 2004, my mother's primary doctor left for vacation without telling me. When I did not see him for three days, I asked someone in the ICU room, "Where is my mother's doctor? I have not seen him. I want to speak with him."

I was told that he was not coming in for the next seven days, but I can speak to the attending doctor. I was shocked: how can he do this? Upon his return, I asked him, "Why did you not tell me that you were going on vacation?" He said he told somebody who was sitting in my mother's room when he came to see her before he went to vacation. I said, "You or your office should have called me. You have my number." He did not reply.

I sense for some of these doctors it's about money. The more patients they have, the more money they make. They will sign in, spend five minutes on patient chart, and get paid.

ONE OF THOSE DAYS JANUARY 27TH 2004

I saw my mother - she looked very tired and little lost. That day she touched all family members who came there, Father, Chander, Karen, Sister, Bansal, Sushil, etc. At one time she also folded her hands like "Namasthe," gesturing good-bye. Once she held my sister's hand and then put her hand into mine. As if she was telling me to take care of my sister. I saw tears in her eyes many times that day. I asked her if she wanted to go to God; she gestured 'yes' by nodding her head.

I don't really know what she means; she cannot speak because of the breathing tubes in her mouth. I saw my father crying several times that day. In the evening I had a conversation with my father. It sounded like he was reassuring himself as well. "Not to lose faith," he said, "Let us see what God does. Have faith in God. If God wants her, no doctor will be able to stop that. If God wants to cure her, he will. Let Doctors do their work."

I DREAMED ON FEB 16TH 2004 MOTHER WAS DANCING

On 16th of February I dreamed that mother was dancing with all of us at a function. Next day, in the evening in my mother's room in the ICU, in the presence of my brother Chander, my sister and Mr. Bansal, I told them about my dream. They said, the same day in the afternoon, mother was watching exercise class on TV. Chander and Bansal were talking to mother about her dancing. I hope it was a good omen. My parents loved dancing. They danced on many occasions. Do dreams have any meaning?

FEBRUARY 22nd 2004 - SISTER GOING BACK TO INDIA

My sister has been in New York for almost two months. Now it was the time for her to go back to New Delhi because she was needed there; her daughter-in-law was about to have a baby. My sister had already informed my mother and asked for her permission to go back. My mother was okay with it. My mother, sister and I held hands together and cried.

My sister said, "Bibi (Mother), I will be back and you will get better." My mother had a very special relationship with my sister. Traditionally speaking in India all mothers have a special relationship with their daughter. I told my mother I paid for her ticket. My brothers and I had given her several things to take home. My mother was happy to see us do that. I did not want her to feel just because she was sick, things were not being taken care of. Even though my sister never expected anything, I felt happiness from this tradition. It is a tradition in the Indian culture when a girl comes to her parents' house, parents pay for her traveling, etc. My sister spent the rest of the day with my mother. Later in the day she left for India. I wondered if my sister will ever see mother again.

LOOKING INTO THE EYES OF MOTHER ON FEBRUARY 28TH 2004

For all this time, any time I look into my mother's eyes, she would look back into my eyes, and communicate. Sometimes she would smile and sometimes she would make a gesture. Sometimes our eyes were locked. But now after the stroke and all these procedures, I saw a change in her eyes. Now her eyes are blank. She has a lost look. When I look into her eyes now she quickly looks the other way. I get a sense she is sad inside and does not want me to see it ... or maybe I don't know what it means.

FASHION SHOW - MARCH 2004

One day, I was sitting in my mother's room in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU). My sister was there also. I received a phone call for me to be a model in a fashion show to be held in the Plaza Hotel. My sister said to me, "Do it, its good for you. It's also a part of life." She suggested I should start bringing balance between work and my duty in my life. I took the blessings of father and mother. I did the show. After the show I showed the photographs to my mother. She smiled, happy to see to see pictures of her son.

LIFE ON THE 7TH FLOOR ICU

When your loved one is in ICU for some time, you begin to spend lot of time in the waiting room on the ICU floor as well. There you encounter many other people whose loved ones are on the same floor. You get to know them, observe them, and share feelings with them. You realize that no matter what your religion, color, culture and nationality, when faced with someone in the hospital or ICU, you have many common feelings with them. Their loved ones may be there for different reasons, but fear, hope, anxiety, concern are the same and common. Each person may deal differently with the emotions but you begin to form caring friendly relationships.

When you are a regular visitor to the hospital, even after few days, the security guards on the ground floor entrance do not ask for your ID card any more.

In my time in January-February 2004 at ICU at Lenox Hill Hospital on the 7th floor, I witnessed many incidents full of care, love., conflict, and emotions. They were all teaching something about life and death. Here are some of the moments I witnessed ...

A MARRIAGE CELEBRATION

One day in the afternoon around 5 PM, I saw on one side of ICU waiting room that a table was being set with wine, appetizers, and cheeses. There were about ten men and women, all white Americans, drinking wine and champagne. They were talking to each other. I was sitting on the other side of room along with my sister Niru. One man asked me if I would like to have a glass of wine. I said okay and asked what they were celebrating, while I toasted a glass of wine with him.

He told me he was getting married. His father-in-law is in the ICU room for last 2 days. He introduced me to his wife-to-be. "A priest will be coming and we will be getting married in front of her father." They had known each other for two years. He is a musician and she is a business development director for a film production company.

"Congratulations on the marriage," I said. "Thanks for including me." There was an elderly lady who was drinking and shifting between crying and hugging her daughter, the bride. A few hours later, large bouquets of flowers were brought in and put in the bride's father's room. Her father's room was right across my mother's room. A priest came and he was in her father's room along with all the other people. I did not go into the room. They closed the room with the curtain. The priest was performing the marriage ceremony.

Sometime later around 9 PM, some of them were back in the waiting room. When I left from the hospital they were still drinking and talking.

The next day, I came to see my mother and noticed the room across from hers was empty. There were no flowers and no patient. I asked the nurse what happened to the patient, "Has he been moved to another room?"

"I cannot answer this kind of question," the nurse replied.

Sometime later I came to know he had an incurable disease and the family had decided to pull the plug. It happened late last night.

I felt very sad to know this. It gave me the answer why the marriage happened in the ICU room. It was the wish of the bride that her father could see the wedding and give his blessings to the couple before he died.

I questioned what the universe was trying to teach me. Why had I witnessed this? I had no idea what would happen when I shared a glass of wine with them. My heart was filled with compassion for the family and I prayed for them.

A MOTHER'S WORST NIGHTMARE

One day when I came into the waiting room of the ICU, I saw a lady sitting on the other side of the room reading a book. I said Hello to her and asked what book she was reading. She told me she was reading "Five People You're Going to Meet in Heaven."

"What is the book about?" I asked.

"It's about a person who dies and goes to heaven and meets five people," she said. During the conversation I came to know her husband was a sports news writer for a major Television Network. "My husband had cancer at an advanced stage. But it was discovered only two days ago."

Her husband was in the same section of the floor where my mother was. I told her why I was there and about my mother.

The next day around 1 PM in the afternoon, I saw the whole family was there the woman, her two beautiful teenage daughters, her husband's brother and his mother. The mother must have been in her late 70's, a beautiful but frail-looking woman. She looked in pensive mood. As a courtesy I said "Hello" to all of them.

About half an hour later, they all came back to the waiting room. The teenage daughters were crying. Everybody else was very silent. I went to see my mother and came back to the waiting room few minutes later. I came to know they pulled the plug on their family member. The daughters were crying very much. Their mother was trying to calm them down. The elderly lady was sitting in silence. I looked at her; my heart went out to her. Only a mother could imagine what she might be feeling.

I sat there in silence. Soon they were leaving; I also got up, walking over to the elder lady, I gave her a hug and said, "I am sorry to know this". She accepted my hug and hugged me back. And they left. It had a deep affect on me.

A DAUGHTER MISSING THE MOMENT

I met a Spanish girl in her early thirties in the waiting room. In conversations, I came to know her mother was in ICU and she had cancer. I saw the girl coming for two days to visit her mother. She spoke a lot about her mother. On the second day, in the afternoon, after seeing her mother in the ICU room, she came to the waiting room. She was chatting with me and told me she had a good conversation with her mother. She was going to go downstairs to have a hot cup of coffee.

About twenty minutes later, I saw her crying in the hallway. I asked her what happened. She told me that while she had gone out for a cup of coffee, her mother had passed away. I gave her a hug and asked if I could be of any help to her.

Nobody knows the exact moment of when it will happen.

WERE NOT ABLE TO GET IN TOUCH WITH MOTHER

There was a lady who had come from Boston to see her father. She was in her early forties. Her father was in his seventies. He was in the ICU supported by machines. He himself was a doctor by profession.

Her parents were separated. She was divorced, and had a teenage daughter. At present her mother was away on a cruise for two weeks with her boyfriend. Her parents were divorced for many years. She was feeling frustrated about how to inform her mother. She was not able to get in touch with her. Her father's condition was not looking very good. It was time to pull the plug on the machines that kept him breathing. He had signed his wish for this before he got sick.

In conversation, she told me that she is going to miss her father very much although she did not have a good relationship with him.

"Sit near your father," I suggested. "Hold his hand and tell him all that you feel. You can tell him you love him, you will miss him, and you wished you had a better relationship with him. Anything else you want to tell him. He will hear you even though he is on machines and unconscious."

Later in the day when I saw her she told me she did what I suggested and she felt good. She asked me for a hug and thanked me for the suggestion.

The next day in the evening, she informed me that they have pulled all the life support machines from him and they moved him into another room. They are giving him morphine.

"Now we just have to wait," she said.

"Let's go to his room," I suggested. "We can say a prayer to God to release him and give him peace." We both went to his room. I saw him lying there with his mouth open, unconscious, still breathing and waiting to die.

We both held hands together and said a prayer.

The next morning, he passed away. The daughter told me of her loss as she was finishing up all of the paperwork and details before she went back to Boston. She still had not been able to get in touch with her mother.

A FAMILY IN CONFLICT

I met a Hasidic Jewish family in the waiting room. It was a large family of four brother's children and grandchildren. Their father, a rabbi in his late seventies was very ill when he was brought into the hospital.

The whole family used to come every day. They would take turns so that somebody was always there for 24 hours. They used to bring their kosher food. It seemed like they had turned that one corner of the waiting room into a small home. It was nice to see a loving, caring and large family.

In conversation we all talked about what was going on. They also used to feel up and down like waves, as the patient's condition goes up and down. I know the feeling very well because my family was going through the same feelings.

If one procedure goes well, I will overhear one son informing lot of people, saying the procedure was successful. As the days went by, their father's condition begins to get worse and worse. He was put on machine. He could not breathe on his own. One day the elder son was talking to me. I asked him what the condition of his father was.

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Excerpted from When I Lost My Parents by Tirlok Malik. Copyright © 2014 Tirlok Malik. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse LLC.
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