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Toddler Tips

by Harvey Karp, M.D., FAAP

Is your tot a Ms. Sweetie or a Mr. Tough? Is she cautious or courageous? Rigid or relaxed? Mild or molten? One amazing thing about parenting is watching your infant's little traits blossom into his actual personality.

Of course, each child is unique, but there are also lots of ways toddlers are similar. For example, all tots want to have fun, to explore, to push limits, to be loved...and to make their own decisions.

This last point is the source of a whole heap of parental pride…and pain. We all love seeing our kids act strong and confident, but we often end up gnashing our teeth when their wants collide with our won'ts.

Handling these inevitable conflicts -- learning how to discipline kids and set firm limits -- is a huge part of the art of parenting (more on this in my next essay). But, a secret known by the world's best parents is that the best way to stop bad behavior is by encouraging good behavior.

Give the green light to your tot's good behavior

We all act better when our good deeds are noticed. That's why rewarding your tot's patience, cooperation, respect, and perseverance with lots of little bits of your loving attention sprinkled throughout the day will boost his good behavior…fast!

I call giving frequent positive attention feeding the meter. It's like this: If you feed a coin into a parking meter every 30 minutes, you'll never get a ticket. Likewise, if you feed your tot little tiny bits of fun/attention/praise every 30 minutes (to reward her quiet play or good deeds), she'll automatically become more cooperative! And, as a bonus, you'll find yourself having to handle a whole lot less defiance.

Feeding the meter flashes a big green light saying "I like what you're doing…keep it up!" And the more you encourage good behavior, the more you get. In The Happiest Toddler book/DVD, I discuss five fun ways to feed the meter and boost good behavior:

1. Time-Ins -- a way to build cooperation with bits of attention, praise, and play
2. Playing the Boob -- a combination of respect + silliness that makes a tot want to keep you happy
3. Patience Stretching -- a surefire way to increase self control
4. Daily Routines -- predictable fun that keeps kids calmer
5. Seeds of Kindness -- tips for teaching manners and character My two favorites are playing the boob and patience stretching. Let's discuss how these two strategies can make your house a much happier place…in just days.

Playing the boob

"Nothing can be done without hope and confidence." --Helen Keller

We all know how tough it is to raise a toddler, but not many people realize how tough it is to BE a toddler. Toddlers feel like they lose all day long! They're weaker, slower, shorter, less verbal, and clumsier than almost everybody. That's why they love stomping in puddles (to make a big splash) and showing off their huge muscles. It's also why they can be so darn stubborn --They just want to win a few!

Playing the boob is a silly idea…that's super smart. If you ever pretend you're startled when your child goes "Boo!!" or have a pillow fight and let your tot topple you with each swipe… you've already discovered the great fun of playing the boob!

Being able to beat their all-powerful parent at something makes tots laugh and feel clever and strong, and that helps them feel okay about giving in to us about other things -- things we care about!

There are tots of wacky ways to play the boob. Here are two ways I've used for years in my office to boost my little patients' cooperation:

1. Be a baby. Pretend you want something your toddler has. Reach out and whine like a baby, saying, "Mine, mine…pleeease!!" Let her easily defy your pitiful request. Act a bit pouty but resigned to the fact that she has got her own way. "Okay okay, you win. You always win me."
2. Be blind. Pretend you're searching for something that your tot can see is right next to you. Say, "Book! Book! Where is my book?" When your child giggles and points to it, ham up your search and exclaim, "Where? Where? I don't see it." Then finally listen to her advice and say, "Thanks. You found it! You're a good finder!"

Once you get the knack of it, playing the boob will become your toddler's - and your - all-time, favorite-est game. And, if you play it 10-20 times a day, you will be rewarded with an immediate rise in cooperation and good spirits.

Patience Stretching

"A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it." --Jerry Seinfeld

All toddlers start out with an immature left-half of the brain. That's the center of language, logic, problem solving…and patience. No wonder, they get so wiggly and wild…and act like blenders without lids! But, the good news is that even with toddlers, patience is like a muscle; it gets stronger with exercise.

Strengthening the brain's patience center automatically makes tots more reasonable, easy going, and better able to keep cool when they don't get their way.

Two great ways to boost your toddler's self-calming ability are magic breathing and patience stretching, a way to teach even a hyperactive one-year-old better emotional control. Magic breathing is a proven path to train the brain of older tots (and, big kids) to be calmer and bounce back from stress. (You can read about it in the "green light" chapter in The Happiest Toddler.) But, for the moment I'd like to focus on the simple skill of patience stretching.

Let's say your one-year-old interrupts you asking for juice. Instead of gratifying her demand immediately, try this:

1. Stop what you're doing and start to hand her the juice…BUT…halfway through the motion, suddenly say, "Wait! Wait! Just one second!" ….as if you just remembered something super-important.
2. Immediately pretend to look for something for 5 seconds. (Since she almost got what she wanted, she'll probably wait…a little confused, but confident she's about to get it.)
3. Turn back and give her the juice, brightly saying, "Good waiting! Good waiting!"

Quickly rewarding patience teaches tots Mommy always keeps her word. Little by little, add more time to the waiting period. Start with 5 seconds, then increase to 10…30…60, and so on. Practice every day, and within weeks your child will easily be able to wait a minute or two.

Patience stretching builds within our tots the precious talent for self control…one baby step at a time. And, in The Happiest Toddler, you can read some great ways to use patience stretching as a tool for eliminating annoying behaviors, like whining and nagging.

In my next essay, I share some practical tips about limit setting and discipline: how to put the big kibosh on dawdling, whining, and willful defiance.