A Note from the Surgeon General

By Dan Bergstein

          Hey. When the research came out the other week that mammogram screenings should be reduced significantly, the scientists and experts were wrong. In the past few days, other, better scientists have conducted extensive tests and research, and we now believe that mammogram screenings should be increased. As Surgeon General for this great nation, I now support the following guidelines for the health of our country:

          Women–and heavy men–over the age of 40 should have a mammogram at least twice a year, or as many times as the patient would like. Women under the age of 40 should also be screened annually, or, at the very least, the left breast should be examined on even- numbered years, and the right breast examined on the odd-numbered years.

          If the patient’s family has a history of bad stuff in that area, I advise monthly mammogram testing at first. If these tests do not find anything, mammograms should be performed weekly, then daily. If nothing is detected at this point, the patient should be given hourly mammograms, followed by an eternal mammogram test that will last until doctors finally find something scary.
          To better serve the public, we are currently looking into the possibility of placing self-serve mammogram machines in grocery stores and gas stations. We are also working with cell-phone companies to develop a cutting edge mammogram app. that would detect bad stuff and locate nearby surgeons in case an anomaly is detected. (The app. would also find restaurants and list movie showtimes.)

          Along with its mammogram findings, the new study has also indicated that other medical testing has become too lax.  When is the last time you had a nuclear-powered bone-density test? Exactly. Regular screenings for incipient osteoporosis will be part of a new mandatory physical exam, which will test everyone between the ages of 16 and 40 for signs of cashew allergies,  impacted wisdom teeth, bladder distention, heartworm, dwarfism (yes, you have to have the test even if you’re tall), false pregnancy, Fred’s hypoglycemia, Eunice’s liver disease, and pink-eye. And a full body X-ray will be administered to determine if anything is broken or even a little crooked.

          These new protective advisories extend to the home. We have designed a handy laminated poster that contains an eye-chart, lists the symptoms for tuberculosis, and includes instructions on how to check yourself for thyroid anomalies. We encourage everyone to hang this poster in your shower, so you can make these new protocols part of your morning routine.  

          And we also have new standards for dental care. Brush after every meal, after inhaling humid air, and after drinking water that tastes a bit metallic or stale. We also advise that dental floss should remain between teeth at all times, to prevent bacteria from attacking wherever they see an opening.  If no floss is available, simply keep your mouth closed and ingest nutrients either nasally or intravenously.

          All human beings should be tested for tumors of the hair. Early detection is the key to survival or at least to avoiding “coconut head.”  It is the patient’s right to demand the test, even if his/her health-care professional refuses to administer the exam on the grounds that haironoma does not exist.

          Lastly, everyone should be tested for gout and gallstones before this weekend. I overheard on the D.C. Metro yesterday that December is a pretty bad month for these ailments. And if you feel a bit tired, be advised, you may have the first reported case of Infant Death Syndrome for anyone who can read. You should be tested promptly.

Dan Bergstein is a freelance writer and part-time vigilante.