WAITER: Good evening.
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: Hello.
POODLE: Good evening.
WAITER: Is this your first time with us?
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: It is.
WAITER: Excellent, and welcome. Let me start you off with something to drink.
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: I’ll have the Little Lehigh River Water, please. If you could make sure to mix in algae, that’d be great.
WAITER: You like algae?
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: Love it.
POODLE: Could I have the New York City Water with extra fluoride?
WAITER: How about chlorine?
POODLE: Pour it on!
WAITER: Absolutely. I’ll bring them right out.
POODLE: And come to think of it, a spoonful of water à la commode.
WAITER: Is toilet OK?
POODLE: If that’s all you have.
WAITER: Happy to add that, madam, if you don’t mind the extra charge.
POODLE: That’s fine—I find it makes all the difference.
WAITER: It’s a pleasure to serve such a sophisticated customer. I’ll be right back.
WAITER: Here you are.
POODLE: Thank you.
WAITER: Let me tell you about our specials tonight. We have a lovely waterlogged baby robin that’s been freshly caught in the backyard. The salad special tonight is recently cut tennis grass. And the chef’s special is a wonderful chipmunk with biscuits.
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: Do you serve running socks?
WAITER: We do, but we will ask you to sign a waiver beforehand if you choose to order this.
POODLE: No, he’s not ordering any more socks.
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: I was just curious.
POODLE: And do you also serve, um, you know what?
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: Carol!
WAITER: We do, yes.
POODLE: Is it fresh?
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: Carol! I am so sorry, sir.
WAITER: No, it’s perfectly fine–only a connoisseur would be comfortable inquiring. It’s extremely fresh.
POODLE: See that, Dave? I’m a connoisseur. I thought I smelled something.
WAITER: I’ll let you both have some time to think about what you’d like.
WAITER: Have you had a chance to look over the menu?
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: I’m debating between the Natural Balance Dog Food Rolls Lamb Formula and the 5 Minutes on the Ground BBQ Chicken. Which do you recommend?
WAITER: You’ll be able to eat them both in seventeen seconds.
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: I’ll have the BBQ Chicken.
POODLE: How is the Blue Buffalo Home-style Recipe Small Breed Chicken Dinner Adult Canned Dog Food?
WAITER: Have you spent the last hour chasing squirrels?
POODLE: I have.
WAITER: Then you’re probably going to want to stay away from that and anything else. Might I suggest waiting a couple hours until your panting subsides?
POODLE: No, I’ll have it anyways.
(To be continued.)
Gregory Mazurek (www.gregorymazurek.com) has been published in McSweeney’s and Science Creative Quarterly.