WAITER: Here you both are. Bon appétit!
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: Looks delicious.
POODLE: Yes, just like lunch.
WAITER: Would anyone like some Solid Gold Cow Green Beef Tripe poured on top?
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: Yes, please!
WAITER: There you are.
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: Carol, what’s wrong?
WAITER: Is she OK?
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: Would it be possible to get another bowl, perhaps something less shiny? She sees her reflection. It’s not that she’s crazy or anything—
WAITER: Yes, absolutely. You do not need to explain. Let me change this right away.
POODLE: Where did she go?
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The waiter?
POODLE: No, that horrid poodle on the table!
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: You got rid of her. You scared her off.
WAITER: I think you’re all set now. Enjoy your meals and let me know if there’s anything I can do to—
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: Done!
WAITER: Wow! A new restaurant record!
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: It’s not my personal best but it’s still respectable.
WAITER: That was quite incredible. I can’t imagine how you tasted anything.
POODLE: Oh, my! I ate too fast!
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: Uh-oh! Someone get a plastic bag!
POODLE: Oh, no! Sorry!
WAITER: Here, let me help you to the linoleum floor.
POODLE: Excuse me!
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: Too late.
POODLE: I am so, so sorry.
WAITER: It’s perfectly fine.
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: She was almost off the carpet, too.
WAITER: We’re very used to this—that’s why we have our collection of spray cleaners.
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: You should have waited to eat, Carol.
POODLE: It looked so delicious.
WAITER: It always does.
WAITER: What would you like to do for dessert?
POODLE: Oh, I’m done.
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: I could go for a tennis ball. Do you want a tennis ball?
POODLE: No, that’s OK.
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: I’ll have a tennis ball with grass clippings and mud on the side.
WAITER: Would you like a tiny bunny as well?
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: No, not tonight, thank you.
WAITER: And are you sure you don’t want anything?
POODLE: OK. I’ll have some ice chips.
WAITER: Lake or stagnant puddle.
POODLE: Oh! Stagnant puddle!
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: That’ll be all, then.
WAITER: I’ll have your check for you right away.
POODLE: Can I take the rest of my food to go?
WAITER: Sure, I’ll get you a doggy bag.
Gregory Mazurek (www.gregorymazurek.com) has been published in McSweeney’s and Science Creative Quarterly.