At the Dog Restaurant—Part II

(Continued)

WAITER: Here you both are. Bon appétit!

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: Looks delicious.

POODLE: Yes, just like lunch.

WAITER: Would anyone like some Solid Gold Cow Green Beef Tripe poured on top?

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: Yes, please!

WAITER: There you are.

POODLE: Grrrrrrr!

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: Carol, what’s wrong?

WAITER: Is she OK?

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: Would it be possible to get another bowl, perhaps something less shiny? She sees her reflection. It’s not that she’s crazy or anything—

WAITER: Yes, absolutely. You do not need to explain. Let me change this right away.

POODLE: Where did she go?

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The waiter?

POODLE: No, that horrid poodle on the table!

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: You got rid of her. You scared her off.

—–

WAITER: I think you’re all set now. Enjoy your meals and let me know if there’s anything I can do to—

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: Done!

WAITER: Wow! A new restaurant record!

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: It’s not my personal best but it’s still respectable.

WAITER: That was quite incredible. I can’t imagine how you tasted anything.
POODLE: Oh, my! I ate too fast!
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: Uh-oh! Someone get a plastic bag!
POODLE: Oh, no! Sorry!
WAITER: Here, let me help you to the linoleum floor.
POODLE: Excuse me!

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: Too late.

POODLE: I am so, so sorry.

WAITER: It’s perfectly fine.

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: She was almost off the carpet, too.

WAITER: We’re very used to this—that’s why we have our collection of spray cleaners.

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: You should have waited to eat, Carol.

POODLE: It looked so delicious.

WAITER: It always does.

—–

WAITER: What would you like to do for dessert?

POODLE: Oh, I’m done.

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: I could go for a tennis ball. Do you want a tennis ball?

POODLE: No, that’s OK.

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: I’ll have a tennis ball with grass clippings and mud on the side.

WAITER: Would you like a tiny bunny as well?

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: No, not tonight, thank you.

WAITER: And are you sure you don’t want anything?

POODLE: OK. I’ll have some ice chips.

WAITER: Lake or stagnant puddle.

POODLE: Oh! Stagnant puddle!

WAITER: Great.

—-

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: That’ll be all, then.

WAITER: I’ll have your check for you right away.

POODLE: Can I take the rest of my food to go?

WAITER: Sure, I’ll get you a doggy bag.

Gregory Mazurek (www.gregorymazurek.com) has been published in McSweeney’s and Science Creative Quarterly.

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