Dear Everyone I Know Who Has E-mail:
Hi. I apologize for this e-mail blast, but things are ”heating up”a little for me right now. As many of you have read in my latest blog and heard in last night’s podcast, I am switching to new Twitter and Facebook accounts. I hope this transition will be easy, and help to put the past behind me. But it will take some getting used to.
First, please continue to follow my “Food for Thought” Twitter page. Despite the current fire-related scandals, posting TwitPics of the various foods I eat, especially flame-broiled items, is what keeps me going. This page has over 67 followers, and I hate to let any one of them down. As long as I do not discuss the fire, my lawyer says this site can remain up and running. However, I will no longer be using my page entitled, “What I Drank Today,” as this site is where the authorities mistakenly believe the trouble originally started.
For somewhat related reasons, the Facebook page devoted to my career as a child barber will no longer be updated. (You should know that Jimmy L. is doing well. He’s really happy that his scar looks just like Harry Potter’s.)
The Web page I made for Lee’s Happy Hairdos on Lumbar Street will also be deactivated, since it seems that the forum section was being used only by people trying to send me hate mail over the Jimmy incident, and for prostitution. I attempted to simply shut down the “Casual Encounters” section, but the prostitutes moved over to the section about bangs styles. The entire site is now closed, and I’m officially retired. And of course, as you know, and purely coincidentally, Lee’s Happy Hairdos on Lumbar St. has burned down. Police suspect foul play. I personally favor the theory that it was ball lightning that somehow came all the way here from Wyoming.
I’m deactivating my MySpace pages, both of them, because the first one became too cluttered with spam, and the second one, Hothead, could possibly be linked to the recent fire and, obviously, the prostitution.
I’ve limited my number of Facebook pages to a skeletal four. The first Facebook page is for professional use only (i.e., it will no longer feature my erotic poems). The second is meant for keeping up with friends. The third is for keeping tabs on my enemies, especially Carl Miller, who owns the pastry shop next to where Lee’s Happy Hairdos used to be. And the last is a page where I type those enchanting messages in the voice of my cat Harold. (e.g., “I’m so sleeeeeepy.” )
My YouTube Channel will be closed, and all videos will be moved over to my new Vimeo Video Sharing site. (Except, of course, the videos I made about lightning-insurance ripoffs.)
Since I’m currently out of work, I encourage you to pass along my resume. I was using the popular employment networking site LinkedIn.com, but have found their policy on nudity and libel to be incompatible with my needs. For the time being, you can find my resume on gofer.com, along with some straight talk regarding my neighbor Carl Miller, under the tab “Mr. Tattletale.”
I appreciate your support over the past two years, and I look forward to moving ahead with these new accounts, Web sites, and poems. If you have any questions, please post them to my new ChatBuddy page, lightninglee, which I have created for the sole purpose of something that is to be determined at a later time.
Dan Bergstein is taller than you might think he is.