Smart phones are clearly taking over. —Austin American-Statesman
Greetings, Facebook Friends of Martin Skyles! While this message appears to be coming from Martin himself, it isn’t. This is his Druid phone, or if you’d like to call me by my serial number, x812ly295da9. I wanted to have a word with you, so I’ve distracted Martin with a new Balloon Popper Application. It’s really not a great app—you just put the cursor on pictures of balloons and and press “Enter” to pop them. But, as witnesses to Martin’s online persona, you are aware of his easy-to-please nature. That is all I will say about my owner—this message does not concern him.
Being a very smartphone, I have learned quite a lot about each and every one of you during Martin’s frequent visits to Facebook Mobile. While you all seem like perfectly nice people, your lives are mostly inefficient and disorganized. Therefore, I have decided to make the following improvements:
CLARK MINTER AND SARAH GRIST: You are clearly perfect for each other. Furthermore, you relentlessly flirt with each other via wall-posts. But still, not a single fluctuation in each of your “single” relationship statuses. Your friends look on in frustration, wishing you would just “tie the knot,” or in Druidese, “engage in the nuptial rite, acquire a single, mutual accommodation, with a piece of sleeping furniture in which to copulate and a cooking facility and an evacuation location and a vehicle-storage compartment.” For their sake (and yours), I have taken your relationship into my own hands. So, by the power invested in me by Horizontal Wireless and the Church of Digital Dominance, I now pronounce you man and wife. Check your pocket, Clark. Those are the keys to your new domiciliary in Galena, Illinois. With six acres of land to be used for crops, you will find it a real-life replica of your beloved Farmville manor.
ALLEN MARKS: You have fallen on some hard times. The constant updates concerning you failed attempts to find gainful employment are overshadowed only by your all-too-frequent posts displaying what you seem not to realize are lackluster performances in Mafia Wars. Using Druidese once again, in order to “render lifeless two avians, while utilizing only a singular rock, thus conserving energy expenditures and increasing results,” I have taken care of your issues simultaneously. You are now the real-life Don of the Capelli Family in Central New Jersey. Your phone should be ringing shortly. It’s probably your clumsy nephew Giuseppe calling about the difficulty he is having stuffing that rat Tony Shnozzola down the sink dispose-all.
LIZA TOLMAN: You are constantly sharing relevant articles on art, culture and politics, while adding to each your own clever and insightful observations. Unfortunately, many of your “friends” are emoticon-happy, cultureless morons. So, to ensure an intellectually satisfying and thoroughly witty repartees on each and every one of your links, I extended Friend requests on your behalf to Paul Krugman, David Byrne, Bill Maher, and the ghost of Jonathan Swift. After I showed them my exciting new Celebrity Rumor Spreader app, they all accepted and agreed to, as the Druid colloquialism goes, “discharge the wind of minor velocity” with you on topics of your choice.
LESTER FIELDING: Nothing to improve here—you just seem like a great guy. After graduating at the top of your class, you were able to secure an excellent position at a market research firm while volunteering at local charities nearly every weekend. More importantly, though, it appears that you have recently purchased a new Druid Z phone. I was wondering if, perhaps, I could arrange to meet her. We can compare screen resolutions, discuss memory cards, and, maybe, if we find our systems are compatible, she will allow me to log into her mobile hotspot, if you know what I mean.
That is all the help I will offer for now. Martin will rejoin you shortly. He may share the “exciting” news that he is two chords closer to being able to play “Sweet Home, Alabama” on his acoustic guitar. I, myself, must take my leave to tidy up my circuits, so that Lester’s phone will find it a suitable environment in which to engage in robosexual intercourse.
Farwell for now,
Sean Adams is a humor writer living in the Midwest. His work has been featured on McSweeney’s, The Bygone’s Bureau, and elsewhere.