”The early verdict is that the President will secure re-election in 2012.”
–Allan Lichtman, political historian at American University in Washington.
“Palin told Oprah Winfrey that her gig as a Fox News contributor does not preclude her from running for President in 2012.”
“No matter what she says right now, there really is every reason to suspect that Mrs. Clinton will end up running for President again—in 2016.”
–Steve Kornacki, NY Observer
The 2012, 2016, and the emergency 2017 elections have been all but decided–Palin, Clinton, and Justice Sotomayor. We must now look even further up the road to prepare for what may turn out to be the biggest decision this country will ever make–election night, 2048.
Most political experts agree that if the Democrats have a shot at winning, it lies in the hands of current fourth grader Nicholas Pullman of Easton, PA. Pullman has already demonstrated leadership skills after successfully organizing a pickup game of touch football with kids he didn’t even know. He has also shown keen understanding of environmental issues in his school report, “Whales,” which concluded with the poignant sentence, “Time is running out.” And with a robot uprising almost a certainty in 2051, the Democrats will almost certainly have to turn to Pullman, who has already outlined plans to not only defeat the robots but to do so with a balanced budget, because, according to Pullman, “We will find gold on the moon.”
The only thing holding Pullman back is a sex scandal from 2009. In August of that year, Pullman allegedly yelled “Boobies!” to no one in particular. Pullman issued an apology later that day, but he looked at the floor the entire time, and you could tell he wasn’t sincere.
This scandal leaves the door if not wide open then at least slightly ajar for (probable) Democrat Margret Fillmore, of Little Rock, Arkansas. Fillmore was spotted by Democratic Party leaders at a dance recital last night. The charming and folksy Fillmore knows how to work a crowd. But some believe Fillmore is under-qualified for the role of President, and will lack the political expertise needed to deal with the tree shortage that may occur in 2049, to say nothing of the extremely possible War with Brazil II. Plus she has been labeled a “chatterbox” by her peers, and her stance on standardized testing is vague at best.
The Republicans meanwhile, have little to debate. It’s just a matter of time–almost four decades, to be exact–before seventh grader Mike Rodgers accepts the nomination. Despite worries of the asthmatic Rodgers’ possibly declining health by the year 2048, most Republicans are certain that he has both the intelligence and personality needed to run the country. “The guy has, like, 6,000 Facebook friends,” said one Washington insider. “And he only received a C last semester because his teacher, Mrs. Jacobs. was being a total b-word about a make-up test.”
The Republicans’ ace-in-the-hole does come with a few problems. For one, Rodgers occasionally uses rough language, especially on Twitter, where he is often claiming that things–like A Tale of Two Cities and his sister Jamie–are “gay.” His other difficulty is that he wears his jeans low enough that his boxer shorts are visible from behind. This is not only in questionable taste for public appearances but is already so last year, and by then will be so last year X 38.
Rodgers’ handlers will probably be able to reign in his language and pull up his pants, but just in case they can’t, the GOP may look to Dakota Butler, of Los Angeles, CA. The 16-year old Butler is a wild card at this point, but conservatives love her less-government approach to politics. In a text message made earlier this year after receiving her first paycheck from her after-school job with McBurger’s, Butler said, “What the hell? Taxes are suck.” This was the text message heard some of the way around the world, and rumor has it that either “What The Hell” or “Taxes Are Suck” will be the title of Butler’s first book, expected to be published as part of her campaign strategy in April of 2048.
All these candidates will have to act fast if they want to rally supporters and generate enough campaign funding in less than 37 years. Asked if they were up to challenge, Fillmore giggled, while Rodgers, Butler, and Pullman cannily replied, “I don’t know.”
Dan Bergstein is mildly allergic to eggplant.