Destroy All Books

“ANew Jersey man who burned pages from the Quran outside a planned mosque nearground zero on Saturday has been fired from his job at NJ Transit.”

       –Associated Press, September 15, 2010

Burning books is a step in the right direction, but we’re not doing nearlyenough to combat the evil words and punctuation that are eating away atsociety. It’s time we stand up and demand that more books be punished. And wecannot stop until the job is done and we live in a bookless civilization. Wemust all do our part. Every book deserves to be burned or maimed somehow. Forinstance:

“The Tale of Peter Rabbit” goes against the very principles of thisgreat nation. The book should be destroyed by either fire or perhaps wizardlightning of some sort. If we don’t stand up against thieving rabbits (whichI’m sure represents either anarchy, terrorism, or rabbits who do not respectagriculture, or all three), then what kind of aworld will our grandchildren inherit? (It’s too latefor our children. There are rabbits all over the place.)

We should also obliterate all copies of “The Far Side Gallery 3.”  Gary Larson’s absurdist wit has no placein our world, and reading the comic willlead to Satanism or worse–Double Satanism. Butburning the book isn’t enough. We must carry the book to a volcano, an evilvolcano if we can find one, and toss the book into the liquid fire. Someoneshould stand guard for a few years to make sure the book doesn’t crawl out and come back to life and continue itsreign of terror. I’d do it, but I have a thing on Wednesday.

If you own a copy of “Charlotte’s Web,” a book that mayvery well promote the concept of evolution, hire an astronaut totie the book to a Jupiter probe. Jupiter’s atmosphere will make short work ofthe book, and we can all rest a little easier once Charlotte and her henchanimals are Jupiter’s problem.

It’s all well and good to say that “TheAdventures of Huckleberry Finn”should  be banned from schools, but it’s notnearly enough. All copies should be dipped in liquid nitrogen, and thenshattered with hammer. The fragments should then be fed to a shark, and thatshark should be fed to a much larger shark. The second shark should then beridiculed until it takes its own life.

“The Catcher in the Rye” should be fedto rats because it contains too many commas and not enough exclamation pointsor mine cart chases. The same goes for “Little Women”. And if “The Poky Little Puppy”was sat upon by a fat man and then dipped in acid, we wouldn’t need to worryabout innocent literates stumbling upon the shocking book, which I suspect isan allegory for legalized narcotics and/or prostitution. Poky Little Puppy,indeed.  More like “Poke That LittlePuppy.”

The even numbered pages of “A Tale of TwoCities” should be ripped out and mailed tomy brother Walter in Florida. He’ll then soak these vicious pages in cinnamonextract, shred the paper, and make a nice potpourri, which he will then sell totourists, but only evil tourists. The remainingodd-numbered pages of the book should be clipped out, and rearranged so thatpages are all mixed up. This will ensure that no one else can be harmed by thisliterature. Or should I say, “Litter ature”? No. I was right the first time.

Andlastly, we must rid our world of the dictionary, for it is from thisrudely-titled tome that all the hate and anti-good words are born. I’m askingthe great people of this land to take their family dictionaries and grind themup with a mortar and pestle (two words that no one will understand once theheinous dictionaries are dealt with). With the books ground down to a findpowder, add a little milk, and stir until a paste forms. Smear this paste on ahouseplant, and let the houseplant die a slow and painful death. Give the plantthe finger too.

With your help, we can rid our planet of these festering, maniacal blocks ofwords. And once they are destroyed, we can move on to annihilating magazines, ingredients labels, and street signs–anything with words.Including this, which is necessary only to get things going in the rightdirection. Thank you.

Dan Bergstein hews his sentences out of the hardest New Hampshiregranite.