Eau de Yankees

“The fragrance market is awash with celebrity fragrances, but nothing has yet come out fronted by a Major League Baseball team. That’s changing with the launch of a New York Yankees fragrance.” — Ad Age 

When you enter the party, they look away. You hear the muttering, feel the heat of their scorn. They resent your prosperity. They reject your success. They glower at the interlocking “NY” on your cap and your blue and white face-paint. You are the Yankee fan — the fat cat who loves to buy pennants, the one-percenter of baseball, the scourge of underdogs everywhere. In many ways, they hate you even more than they hate the Yankees, whom they hate more than life itself.

This summer, let’s bring something new to their party:   

The pungent aroma of 27 world championships.

This year, let’s fill the bases…with Eau de Yankees, the perfume that blends the rustic charm of the farm system with the boldness of the Bronx.

It’s a little bit Goose, a little bit Catfish. It’s the mustard spice of Mister October with a Mister Coffee jolt of Joltin’ Joe — and it’s just for you: The gluttonous, never-satisfied Yankee fan, who wants every free agent, every championship — every year. With Alex Rodriguez, Mariano Rivera, and Derek Jeter, you should consider yourself the luckiest fan on the face of the earth. Instead, you always demand more, and you deserve the kind of fragrance that can stop a rally.

Eau de Yankees comes in five Hall of Fame scents:

MIDNIGHT YOGI. Ninety percent oil of sage, the other half mental. So strong that nobody smells it anymore. Go ahead, layer it on: It ain’t odor ’til it’s odor!

YOU GO, BOSS. This blustery blend of race horse, assorted barks, seed of bombast, nitrous oxide, and police-grade pepper spray will clear out any front office underlings. It’s the smell of a bad trade. Wear it to a signing, or a firing — or both!

LOVE, A-ROD. Tempt, tantalize and enthrall yourself with this surprisingly delicate, five-tool mix of rosehip, goldenrod, crushed gopher balls, natural diuretics, and Starlet o’ Hollywood. Now, with every successive whiff, detect a growing tinge of lemon!

JEET 3000. This smooth, long-lasting blend of leather, vanilla, gold, frankincense, and myrrh will capture the heart of any lady — without coughing up a ring! Become the Captain of all noses!

MARIANO, MON AMOUR. Close their rally, close their game, and close their nostrils with this bat-cracking blend of baby oil, smoke, gas, and bullpen. They’ll smell your stuff from 60 feet!

Choose the scent that defines your style. Or better yet, wear them all at once. Because the Yankees aren’t just your team: They’re the way you roll — in your star-studded, Empire State of mind. No one will ever accuse you of smelling like a Marlin fan. You’ll wear the fragrance of Donald Trump, Jay-Z, and Jack Nicholson. You’ll share an overpowering cloud with the likes of Bruce Springsteen, Richard Gere, the lady who played The Nanny, practically the entire cast of The Sopranos, and that guy in Libya who shot Muammar Gaddafi. You’ll be part of a Bleacher Creature wave that fills the House that Ruth Built with the cheese that Ruth dealt.

Remember, Yankee fans: They hate us anyway, so let’s earn their enmity. Rage about our failure to sign Albert Pujols. Whine about the lack of a seventh starting pitcher. Ask Rangers fans when Josh Hamilton becomes a free agent. Complain about luxury taxes. Grow a beard. Wear an eye-patch. Cackle. They can dismiss our taunts. But they can’t hold their breaths forever.

This summer, let’s punch Boston in the nose!

Eau de Yankees…when the pennant just isn’t enough. (In spray or gel! Now with Anabolic HGH and musk!)

Hart Seely’s new book, The Juju Rules: Or, How to Win Ballgames from Your Couchwill be published by Houghton Mifflin Harcourt this month.