egoPhone Solutions

By Adam Hanft

Everyone knows that in the past we here at AmericaHasAnswers.com have harvested the genius of everyday Americans to solve any and all of your gadget problems. Whether you asked “How do I stop my web-enabled automatic garage door from discriminating against Methodists?” or “Why is my Water-Pik exhausting the storage capacity of my windowsill-based wind farm?,” AmericaHasAnswers.com has been there.  But no problem has ever prompted as many questions as those relating to the controversy over dropped calls on the new egoPhone.  (Actually, there has been one more widely asked question: “Can I use my laser tooth-whitener to strip my kitchen cabinets?”  But we think it’s just one person using a lot of different email addresses.)

While the manufacturer of the egoPhone has suggested a solution, our always-inventive site visitors, who, thank goodness,  seem to  have nothing better to do, have been deluging us with their own solutions.  It wasn’t easy, but we’ve chosen the 7 Best egoPhone Dropped Call Tips:

1. Corey Blundgette suggests that you create an egoPhone ear scaffold using materials found in the average garage.  The scaffold provides a convenient, aural-friendly environment in which to situate your egoPhone, thus eliminating touching the device in any place that makes it feel uncomfortable.   WARNING: You may be mistaken for an early Frank Gehry building.

2. George Landers retro-fitted his LardAssBoy recliner with a special assembly that allows him to simultaneously talk on his egoPhone in a hands-free state while consuming Buffalo wings cooked on the recliner’s integral microwave.

3. Pilates instructor and Zen vocal coach Zulieka Spongetti invited a new projective technique that enables one to transform normal speech into a frequency that human beings cannot discern, but the egoPhone can. This frequency can penetrate wood and metal but, unfortunately,  not the new Victoria Secret’s miracle fiber “Liftcron.”

4.  Dolores Dundore fashioned a renewable “dropped call collection basket” out of bamboo and  recycled copies of “Soldier of Fortune” magazine.  Dolores suggests you place the basket under your egoPhone, where it captures dropped calls and enables them to be re-used in a sustainable fashion as a Channel 3,219 on Sirius Radio.

5. Retired CFO Ned Willingworth hired an egoPhone caddy – an  unemployed, recent Ivy League grad to walk bestride him, holding his device in the appropriate position.

6.  108 year old Wilfred Watkins built a Grasp-o-matic to hold his egoPhone, re-purposing a 19th Century general-store high-shelf “grabber” that his grandfather owned.  (His grandfather never worked in a general store, but used the grabber to harass local St. Louis matrons on the cross-town trolley.)

7.  Ira Flingus  diverted a portion of his own home-generated power grid to a circuit that flows around the perimeter of his egoPhone, delivering 5,000 volt shock should his finger stray to that place on the device that triggers dropped calls.  Ira is taking orders for the system on his website, but delivery will have to wait until Peoria Power and Light is no longer keeping him busy as a back-up power suplier.

Adam Hanft  writes on social trends and the consumer culture for places like The Huffington Post, Slate, Politics Daily, The Daily Beast, and Fast Company.