Emergency Numbers for Spouses Part II

PART II–For Wives

The implementation of the 911 emergency telephone number has saved many lives and has allowed many families to remain intact. But too few people know that there is a number to assist wives with spousal emergencies so that their families, too, will remain intact. For example, here are some transcripts of emergencies that were addressed recently.

Dinner Party

Dispatch: What’s your emergency?

Wife: I forgot to tell my husband that my mother is coming over for dinner tonight!

Dispatch: Where is he?

Wife: He’s at the kids’ soccer practice.

Dispatch: Call him now with your apologies.

Wife: It’s not that easy! I told him he could invite his work buddies over!

Dispatch: Can you reschedule with your mother?

Wife: Are you crazy?!

Dispatch: Then your husband will have to reschedule.

Wife: His friends are already here!

Dispatch: Pull yourself together! It’ll be OK. Can you make the dinner for more people?

Wife: My mother hates his friends!

Dispatch: How long does your mother usually stay?

Wife: She likes to leave early.

Dispatch: Thirty minutes before she arrives, give his friends an incredible amount of sugary foods.

Wife: Sugar! That’ll make it worse!

Dispatch: It’ll be intolerable for thirty minutes, but then they’re going to want to take a nap. You can have a lovely dinner with your mother while they sleep in the backyard. When they wake up and your mother leaves, your husband can hang out with his friends.

Wife: He’s still going to be annoyed!
Dispatch: Not if you tell him there’s a hot bath and a tumbler of small-batch bourbon waiting for him upstairs afterward.
Wife: Isn’t that old-fashioned?

Dispatch: Oh not at all, trust me.

Wife: OK. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Pet Duties

Dispatch: What’s your emergency?

Wife: I forgot to take the puppy out! 

Dispatch: Relax! Relax! Why can’t you take the puppy out now?

Wife: It’s too late! She’s done what she needed to do. It’s a mess! It was my turn to take her out and I forgot!

Dispatch: On a scale of one to ten, is–

Wife: Eleven!

Dispatch: Glory be!

Wife: And my husband just left work. He’ll be home in ten minutes!
Dispatch: You cannot let him in that house. I repeat, you cannot let him in that house!
Wife: I won’t. What should I do?

Dispatch: Open every window. Light every candle. If you must, burn some toast.

Wife: He’ll suspect something.

Dispatch: Spread rose petals, everywhere. You’ve got to make this look romantic.

Wife: But there won’t be enough time.

Dispatch: Well, then, I guess you’ve got to intercept him.

Wife: How?!

Dispatch: Call and tell him to meet you at the nearest Best Buy! That’ll give you a couple hours.

Wife: OK. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Drowning Laptop

Dispatch: What’s your emergency?

Wife: I just knocked his laptop into the pool!

Dispatch: Where is he?

Wife: He’s in the kitchen! He went to get some beers for us.

Dispatch: So you’ve only got—

Wife: Seconds!

Dispatch: Dear heavens. Was it on?

Wife: Does that matter? It’s drowning!

Dispatch: Is there anyone else there you can blame it on?

Wife: No one!

Dispatch: Dog?

Wife: She’s inside!

Dispatch: Get the laptop out of pool and take out the battery. Hurry!

Wife: OK. Now what?

Dispatch: You’ve got to let that computer and battery dry.

Wife: How long will that take?

Dispatch: Hours.

Wife: I’ve got seconds!

Dispatch: I know. You must stop him from coming outside.

Wife: How?

Dispatch: Go inside and ask him to tell you everything that’s happening right now in his fantasy football league.

Wife: No, I won’t go that far.

Dispatch: What else are you going to do?

Wife: …

Dispatch: Good luck.

Wife: OK. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Old Friends

Dispatch: What’s your emergency?

Wife: I just told him I “friended” an old flame online.
Wife: Hello?
Wife: Hello?!

Dispatch: Sorry. We can’t help. You’re on your own.

Gregory Mazurek has been published in McSweeney’s and Science Creative Quarterly.  His website is gregorymazurek. com.