Friends Forever

Dear FriendZone Friends:

We’re proud to announce our latest FriendZone feature to help you Share Louder(TM) with your FriendZone Friends: It’s called ClickYrCrew!  Just click on a link sent by a  FriendZone pal– say, a hilarious video of a ferret that happens to like Drambuie, or a galvanizing political rant about the postal service —  and FriendZone will auto-slam your click to your BuddyPosse, your BizNet and your StalkFile.  Now you’re really “Clicking with your Crew.”

If you want to revert to what we call “Old Clicking,” simply enter the “Reversions” menu under the Detailed Controls toolbox (found on your Account Management page).  After adjusting the various ClickTab settings, simply press the mauve button to confirm your changes, or the fuschia button to permanently and irrevocably discard them.

Friends Forever (TM),

Dave Sprinks, Founder and First Friend


Dear FriendZone Friends:

We were thrilled to get all the great feedback from the FriendZone community. Thanks for Sharing (TM)!   It’s great to know how passionate so many of you are about your personal data; so passionate that 453,901 of you have joined “One Million Voices in Protest of FriendZone Privacy Violations.”  Whoops, make that 642,113!

In retrospect, when we released the Privacy Enhancement that enabled our dynamite new ClickYrCrew! service, we didn’t do enough to help our less-alert members make full use of our convenient new toolkit for totally managing your FriendZone privacy.   And that’s a shame, because the FriendZone team Makes Your Privacy Job One (TM, I think).

So, we’ve made some alterations.  Now, if you want to turn off “Post a Cartoon of What I Might Look Like Naked,” you’ll find the control for this feature (and the seven other “What I Might Look Like Naked” features) on the Bonus Privacy Settings page.  To access, hold your mouse over the dot on the i in “Friend” on your ChumFacts Tab.

While you’re adjusting your Bonus Privacy Settings, you can alter the number of dating service websites we ConvenioZap with your photo, birthday, and credit rating.  The default is set to nine.

We’re Totally On It (TM).

Friends Forever,
Dave Sprinks, Founder and First Friend


Hey Everybody —

Well, what can I say?  This is one creative community, especially when FriendZone Friends get behind a common cause!  “Ten Million Strong to Kidney-Punch Dave Sprinks” is now the most popular page on the Internet for the second week running.

Quick favor — can one of you take down the unnervingly realistic pictures of me being mauled by sharks and crocodiles?  I’d do it myself, but, weirdly, I can’t seem to get access to those pages. How’d you guys do that?  On that note, “Sprinkskillaa431”, if you’re interested in putting your formidable hacking skills to work for the most cutting-edge company in social media, send me a FriendMail.  We’ve had a surprisingly sudden exodus of programming talent, and I Can’t Innovate All By Myself (TM, or it will be once my lawyer starts returning my emails again).

Still Friends Forever,
Dave Sprinks, Founder but Really Just One of the Gang


Dear Former Friends —

I’m sending this by postcard to those of you whose physical addresses I’ve been able to ascertain by matching an early printout of FriendZone usernames to listings in some of the old White Pages in the library.  (If this gets to the wrong Cindy Borowitz in Oak Ridge, by the way, my apologies, and would you pass along if you run into the other Cindy B.?  Thanks!)

It’s a strange feeling, this life without FriendZone.  Not that I have a choice: since the “DaveBan” virus was released, I’ve been unable to log in to any FriendZone page, or even use a computer for more than a few minutes before my presence is sensed and it melts into a puddle of  molten silicon.  And now that my Social Security number, my cholesterol level, the contents of my Bahamian accounts, and my hard-to-explain gluteal musculature have all been disseminated worldwide by Sprinkskillaa431 and colleagues, I really don’t have anything to hide, from anyone.  I’m free in a way I could never have imagined before.

But I still believe in the power of friendship and community.  That’s why I’m writing to announce the Grand Opening of Sprinksville Coffee — a place for friends to meet, enjoy a cup of joe, listen to some live music, and turn off the distractions for a little while.  No laptops allowed.

Bill Tipper is the Managing Editor of the Barnes & Noble Review.