Gone with the Windshield

By Jason Reich

TO THE OWNER OF THIS CAR:

Accidentally dinged yr pssngr door while coming around corner. Couldn’t wait to xchg insurance info now (late for screening of “How To Train Your Dragon”) but my e-mail & phone below. Pls call – sorry!!

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TO THE OWNER OF THIS CAR: 
Got yr message. Sorry could not call back but I threw my phone off bridge in anger after finding out “HTTYD” was not a documentary. Pls e-mail, we can xchg info.

P.S. Sorry – accidentally hit yr rear bumper while parking behind you. No damage but I think yr airbag inflated?

P.P.S. HTTYD = How To Train Your Dragon

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DEAR CAR OWNER:

Me again. Did you e-mail? Sorry, I share acct with my gf and she has not been giving me messages. Been fighting lately about dumb stuff. Anyway pls contact me at new address below – really want to make this right.

sorryihityourcar@mymailbox.com –also follow me on Twitter! @carhitta9

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HEY BUDDY:

Sorry, accidentally sheared off yr sideview mirror pulling away from curb after leaving that last note. Add it to my tab!!!!

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WAZZZZUPPP! 
Remember that commercial? Good stuff. Don’t know if you tried to contact me – I decided to move last nite after my gf left all my stuff on front porch. No e-mail/phone/running water in new place yet. But leave me a note here on yr window, I will come back and check later and we can put this behind us. How have you been?

(Oh also re: smashed glass. My gf’s new bf was chasing me with his fraternity pledge paddle. Guess he thought yr car was mine and he bashed in windshield. Sorry I didn’t stop him but I could have been srsly hurt. Hope you understand.)

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Hey, you got a new car! I like it. About time too, that old one was in bad shape. Didn’t know if this even was your car at first but I jimmied lock with coat hanger and looked thru your stuff to make sure. If you left me a note, it was not on car when I arrived. I will come back tmrw ok?

(I borrowed yr Erykah Badu CD from glove compartment – THX!!!)

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LOL nice try man but I don’t think putting a sign on yr car that says “LEAVE ME ALONE” is going to stop ppl from hitting it. Case in point: check out the dents I made while driving up to see if you left me a note. Scratches look good on yr new wheels, I think – makes it look “lived in.” Anyway, you gonna get in touch w/ me or what? I am going out of my way to be a good guy here.

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WAZZZZUPPP!

Ha ha never gets old. Thought I might catch you if I slept in your car overnight (also new apt. not working out – did you know it is illegal to breed tree shrews in your apt?!?!?) Thx for letting me crash. Left my boxers in front seat – do u mind washing for me? I think it would be a show of good faith on your part. Be back tonight – what time is check out? LOL

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Hey pal hope you are ok – cops all over your car when I showed up. Had to phone in bomb threat at local elementary school to get them to leave. What happened? Anyway look, don’t want to be rude but I am running out of patience. Doesn’t help that you keep moving your car farther away from your house – taking me forever to find it. LET’S FINISH THIS.

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Hey just realized – where are my boxers?!?! Really thought you were above stealing another man’s underwear. Not cool, bro. I hope nothing else “happens” to your car. (Did you notice the quotes???)

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HEY WHERE R U? YR CAR NOT HERE. HOPE RAIN DOES NOT WASH THIS CHALK MESSAGE OFF SIDEWALK BEFORE U GET BACK. WHY IS THERE FOR SALE SIGN ON YR LAWN?

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WAZZZZUPPP?

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TO THE OWNER OF THIS CAR:

Just kidding! It’s me, buddy! Took me a while to find you but I used yr license plate info to call in a hit-and-run and told them the car was stolen, then followed police to yr new house. Nice place! Anyway, once you post bail and get yr car from this impound lot, give me a call so we can settle up. New e-mail and phone below.

Jason Reich is a television writer whose credits include The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and VH1′s Best Week Ever.