Day 5: Why We Fight
JASMINE: We apologize for the interruption, but we have just received word that a tentative peace agreement has been reached between Google and China, perhaps ending the war. Let us check in with Randy Gall who has been on the frontlines of this war since it began. Randy, are you there?
RANDY: Jasmine, the news is trickling in from all over Google headquarters that this war has ended. Everyone here is celebrating–you can see champagne corks popping behind me and several employees are making homemade VC signs, symbolizing the Victory over China. It’s complicated but stirring–first they make the V, then they use their thumb and–
JASMINE: How did this happen? The scenes from yesterday were grim.
RANDY: After the attack last night, Google launched a counter assault, which knocked out most of China’s MP3 files. The streets were filled with riots as looters attempted to steal physical copies of their music in CD-form from stores, and homes of older people who never updated to MP3 technology. It was not a pretty sight. But things have settled down now, and—
JASMINE: Randy I hate to cut you off, but we’re getting word here in the studio that our ratings have dipped slightly since the peace agreement between Google and China was signed. Are you sure the war is over?
RANDY: Um…yeah, pretty much.
JASMINE: Are you 100% sure? Randy, this is very important. Look around. Do you see any cyber terrorism threats? Any at all? Maybe a wonky computer monitor.
RANDY: Nope. Everything is fine here in China.
JASMINE: Dammit, Randy, if you don’t find violence or something dangerous to cover, we will lose the ratings war to Channel 8. Hurry. Look for anything.
RANDY: Well, there’s a guy over here that might have swine flu….
JASMINE: Not good enough! Oh God!
RANDY: What is it? What’s going on?
JASMINE: Channel 8 is no longer covering the Google China War. They’re now showing footage of a flood in Mississippi. Randy, is there a flood near you? Maybe a really deep puddle. Anything?
RANDY: No. Wait.… I can spill some water on the …
JASMINE: [STATIC] No!
RANDY: Jasmine? Jasmine!
JASMINE: Channel 8 has also announced that seven young women may have gotten inferior orthodontic treatment in Miami. Randy, do something! This attack is getting worse. We haven’t got much time!
RANDY: Ooh. I may have a really riveting story here Jasmine. Ready? In 3, 2, 1…[IN REPORTER VOICE] Good evening. The man next to me didn’t think “Avatar” was all that good. He even —
JASMINE: You idiot! That’s just fluff, and you know it. We need real news of people suffering! No! Nooo! Channel 8 is flying their drone plane above us. Or it may be their traffic helicopter. In a matter of moments they will attack our station, and block our signal. We’re going to lose the war. Oh God. Not like this. Please, God, not like this….
RANDY: What can I do?
JASMINE: The station manager is dipping our regional Emmy Awards in gasoline, igniting them, and throwing them at the Channel 8 forces. It seems to be…No! It’s not working! Channel 8 is in the building. I repeat, Channel 8 is in the building. If I don’t make it out of here, tell my mother I always knew she loved me. And keep an eye out for my blog, where I will be posting hilarious news stories and my own two cents until I find another job.
RANDY: Jasmine, keep your head down. Don’t let them see you.
JASMINE: And I’ll be on Twitter! Follow me @NewsyGalReporter_9099! Please! It’s my only hope for relevance! The Channel 8 forces are in the studio. They have taken over the cameras, and my director is now blindfolded, dressed in rags, and being marched out to a makeshift prison in the courtyard…. They see me! They see me. What do I do? What do —
CAROLINE HEARTWELL: Randy, my advice to you is to take the measly two-week no-insurance buyout package we at Channel 8 are offering you for the next thirty minutes. Jasmine is gone. We will have breaking on the Miami orthodontics disaster later this evening. Reporting live from the new Channel 8 studios, this is Caroline Heartwell.
Dan Bergstein doesn’t like eggplant very much.