A lot will happen between Grades 1 and 6. You will learn about fractions. You will learn why drugs are bad. And your parents will get divorced. (Sorry you had to hear it from us.) But with this handy back-to-school guide, you can breeze through these years unharmed and come out a better, stronger, taller, student who will probably abuse drugs and have tons of premarital sex.
It’s important to wear layers–eight layers, to be exact. The first three layers will keep you warm. The middle two layers will protect you from most Africanized bees and runaway drug needles, and the outer three layers will prevent you from feeling erotic. During these years, you must protect yourself from killer bees, drugs, and eroticism at all costs. According to news reports—and, quite frankly, they seem to know what they’re talking about—many children your age are already beginning to get high and pregnant, and those who aren’t are killed by bees. This is probably because they’re not wearing enough clothes. You may also consider wearing a helmet, to prevent brain injury and to stop birds from getting caught up in your hair as they attempt to give you bird flu.
If you don’t kiss someone by 6th grade, you are a loser. This isn’t true. It doesn’t matter if you kiss someone by the time you enter middle school, as long as you’re wearing the eight layers at all times.
-Reading is a big part of grade school. Since you’re already reading this article, you should be in good shape. If you cannot understand these words, ask a grownup for help. Hi, grownup! Don’t take this the wrong way, but your kid is kind of a moron. Don’t tell him I said that. Tell him this paragraph is about the zoo. Kids love that sort of thing. Anyway…so, are you seeing anyone? I’m having some friends over for some drinks later and … Oh, never mind. Yeah. It’d be weird, with the kid and all. But you should hit me up on Facebook or just stop by the coffeehouse. I’m doing some poetry there on Tuesday afternoons, in addition to writing these guides. I’m a poet. It’s just a hobby right now, but you never know. Talk to you later. Hey, do you party? Never mind. I’m just goofing around … sort of.
-To get the most out of recess, it’s important to develop a certain skill, such as the ability to throw something far, or sing a song without using your mouth. Failure to do this will result in becoming nothing but a spectator and the rest of your life will be plagued with thoughts of “What if,” and “Why isn’t my wife as pretty as Jim’s?” or ” ” … my husband as handsome as Jim’s,” as the case may be.
-If you get picked on by bullies, you have to understand the most important thing about the situation, which is that it’s not really our problem and we’d rather not get involved. You understand, right?
-Start showing signs of maturity by calling the bathroom a “lavatory” or “restroom.” You should also stop calling the elevator an “up-up” and stop using the word “ostentatious,” because you’re not using it correctly. (It doesn’t mean “more than ten” or “super-outstanding.”)
-Need help with multiplication? Here’s an easy tip: Assign letters to the numbers, and then step back and see what happens.
-Don’t bring nice things to school. If you take your fancy MP3 player, cell phone, or champion thoroughbred horse semen to school, it may get lost, broken, or stolen. Then your parents will no longer trust you with nice things or will start home-schooling you, which is even worse than school.
Most grade school teachers know only about grade-school subjects. They can tell you all you need to know about whales and the Underground Railroad, but if you ask them about macro-economics in a loud voice, they will be paralyzed with fear for a few minutes and then send you to the principal’s office for shouting an obscenity.
Possible Answer (if called upon):
This is your very last chance to wear a cape to school.
Dan Bergstein often misuses the word “literally” by saying, “I’d like some literally for breakfast, please.”