1. What does a yellow light mean?
a. Speed up slightly
b. Floor it
c. Get ready to explain to the police officer that, while the light may have appeared red to him, he can rest assured that it was most definitely yellow and may have even been green, green and yellow being very close together on the visible spectrum
2. At an intersection with a four-way stop, which driver can go first?
c. The driver who reached the intersection first, which will always be you because of how much faster you drive than the rest of these tools
3. When is it appropriate to use your horn?
a. Someone is driving the speed limit
b. You are listening to Led Zeppelin and can tell they need some help emphasizing how awesome their guitar solos are
c. You are inside your car
4. How long will it take you to start thinking of yourself as an above-average driver after you get your license?
a. 1-3 minutes
b. 4-5 minutes
c. What is this “after” stuff
5. How long will it take you to get in your first accident?
a. Less than 6 months
6. Whose fault will it be?
a. The other driver’s for not realizing that you weren’t going to stop at that stop sign
b. County officials for authorizing the placement of a stop sign that is visually blocked by a tree
c. The Obama administration’s for not doing enough to put Americans back to work
7. What do you plan to do the night you get your license?
a. Go on a crazy road trip across the country with my best friends
b. Lose my virginity in the backseat. Or the front seat. Or in the trunk. Wherever, really. On the hood.
c. Whatever I want. Anything’s possible when you have a car!
8. What will you actually do the night you get your license?
a. Pick up my little brother from soccer practice
b. Pick up my little sister from soccer practice
c. First a), then b), then tell my parents that it turns out I am allergic to grass.
9. How many drinks of alcohol does it take to affect your driving?
a. For the better? Four.
b. Like, I’m not saying I would ever go out and do it or anything, I just definitely would if the situation called for it, which it almost always would
c. Huh? What? Sorry–I sort of blanked out there for a minute. So, do you want to go hit up Wendy’s? Because I’ve only had four beers and a couple of shots, so I’m not even really drunk.
10. What did you actually learn in driver’s ed?
a. My instructor seemed pretty funny at first, but he was actually just kind of a racist
b. The girl sitting in front of me was a 32C
c. Telling her I knew her bra size was a horrible way to introduce myself
11. I just heard Jim say he didn’t think your car could do 100 on that windy road by the orphanage. Don’t you think you should prove him wrong?
b. Hell yes
c. You know, I’ll bet a lot of those kids aren’t even really orphans
12. Overall, what is the most important thing to remember when driving?
a. Always be aware of the other drivers around you
b. Driving is a privilege, not a right
c. Coming up with a tough but fair system for calling shotgun. Rule number 1: If Jim calls it first, then it’s whoever calls it second.
Edward Small is a recent graduate of Dickinson College. He has interned at The Onion and is a contributor to CollegeHumor.