Jeff Howard’s Unreal Property — I

By Dan Bergstein

From Jeff Howard, Aspiring Realtor to the Stars, new home for sale built by Lydia Farnsworth, a wealthy socialite who got into architecture and real estate last month after reading a few books and talking things over with her best friend, Olivia Spain, who said she built a tree house when she was eight.  This one-of-a-kind home is located conveniently in the LA hills, next to the home of someone who is trying out for a part in “Mama Mia 2: Who’s Our Daddy.”  So you might well be living next to a celebrity! Close to many popular hospitals, this little-bit-of-brilliance comes with every modern amenity imaginable, including heated driveway, storage elevator (whatever that is), helicopter pad, submarine dock, and two zeppelin tethers.

The spacious 3-bedroom home sits on 2.4 beautiful acres and 0.32 acres that are just OK. It has a four-car garage, assuming two of the cars are small and parked at strategic angles. It also features a two-car living room, and a one-car dining room. There is also an entirely inaccessible room without a door that Ms. Farnsworth calls “The White Room” (a guess).  The hand-tiled kitchen was carved from a single redwood tree and comes equipped with granite countertops and counterbottoms. It also has a small koi pond/jacuzzi.

The master bedroom features a walk-in closet that always smells like a new Lexus and new-mown hay combined, and the master bath includes a five-person cushioned tub, two toilets, and a bidet (giggle). (The included instructional video “Bidet? This Way!” will relieve anxieties you may have.)  The master basement, located just off of the master staircase and next to the master laundry room, has been turned into a home theater, complete with old time popcorn cart. The sub-basement has been turned into a home office, and the sub-sub basement has been turned into a home giraffe sanctuary, which also has an old time popcorn cart.

The artisanal backyard includes a heated, pool-shaped swimming pool and a waterfall engineered to drop the water in such a way that the splashes sound just like the opening theme song of “Cheers.” There is also a garden in which the words “Dream Your Love, Live Your Dream, and Love Your Dream and Also Your Life” has been spelled out with orchids.

Asking price: $44,400,000 (reduced from the original price of $44,450,000). If interested contact Jeff “The Closer” Howard, of Lydia Farnsworth Realty. 


Dan Bergstein makes a mean chili. The trick is to use an angry pot.