Jeff Howard’s Unreal Property — III

By Dan Bergstein

Home For Sale! As Seen On Jeff Howard’s 15-Second Infomercial on Community Cable Channel KHUT.   This cozy 2-bedroom home was featured on the hit A&E reality show “Hoarders.” The celebrity-factor alone is worth the asking price! The first thing you’ll notice about the house  is the luxurious privacy. The previous owner, worried that sunlight would damage her oceanic Beanie Baby collection, blocked all the windows on the first floor with duct tape, plywood, towels, and caulk. 

Though mostly hidden by the generous mounds of clothing and trinkets, the home is completely furnished, with a bed, two sectional sofas, and what could be either a dining room table or just a pile of wood. Along with the furniture, the buyer will also automatically acquire all of the house’s contents! Who knows what else  they might include besides: Three large plastic containers filled with wigs, countless miniature schnauzer sculptures, a box inside of which is a box of empty jars in a third box, 233 genuine antique issues of Good Housekeeping, three vintage crutches, a bunch of previously owned felt, an odd Empire-Period box labeled “Dorothy’s [Unreadable],” and of course the completely un-sun-bleached Beanie Babies. 

The second floor of the house is at present used primarily by the cats. Dorothy refused to go up there because in 1987 her husband hanged himself in the bedroom and was not discovered until 1988. It’s a perfect sanctuary for teenagers awaitng medication. As an added bonus, there is a light switch in the kitchen that doesn’t turn anything on and thus becomes a perfect  conversation piece.

This home would make an OK home or a great gag gift. And it’s also great for those interested in Dorothy’s life prior to  Dorothy’s involuntary commitment to an assisted living facility. You can learn all about Dorothy by sifting and raking through her “history.”

Open House this Saturday from 2 p.m. until 4 p.m. or court-ordered demolition, whichever comes first. Contact trusty Jeff “A Job’s a Job” Howard, at Move-Em-Out Realty, for more information on vaccines required before entry. 
Dan Bergstein just now learned that it’s  ”Sex and the City,” not “Sex in the City.”