Jeff Howard’s Unreal Property — V

By Dan Bergstein

Land 4 Sale 4 Cheap! Due to temporarily lapsed zoning regulations, the area of land located behind the airport is possibly now available to the private sector! The 0.5 acre patch of land is ready to be developed by anyone interested in a great bargain. With convenient access to the airport–and the airport restrooms!–this land will surely sell quickly. So act fast. 

What are you waiting for? The land features grass and some handy giant concrete blocks left over from the recent airport construction project. These 20-by-20 blocks can be used as walls for your new home. Or you can hide behind them with a nice young woman you just met. Or break them down and use them…somehow. Whatever. The point is that these concrete blocks are yours! For FREE!

As you attempt to construct your home, you may also find pieces of broken glass, along with a bunch of cheeseburger wrappers and prescription pill containers. Simply flush these down the toilet in the airport restroom and they will no longer be your problem! But if you find a little plastic bag filled with white powder, let me know. That’s my oregano. White, powdery oregano. 

This prime area of land can be used to build many types of homes.  Build a ranch house, or how about a Tudor-style house? Build two or three smaller houses. You can live in one, and rent the other two houses out to passers-by. Your home can make you money! 

Or don’t build a house at all. Use the land to bury your unmentionables. Build a baseball field for very tiny people. Raise ducks and sell their feathers and meat. Plant a victory garden. Sell the dirt to people who need dirt. Dig for oil and dinosaur bones. Do others look down on you and your love of alchemy? Set up a tent and practice your arcane science away from prying eyes. Or use the land to meet mistresses, as previously indicated,  or as a private place from which you can call a doctor’s office regarding a very personal, embarrassing rash, odor, or fluid problem. 

It’s not “Tweaky Jeff’s” business what you do with the land. Just buy it! You won’t regret it right away! At three in the morning, there’s this great breeze that hits your face and makes you feel alive. It’s epic.

What are you waiting for? God to come down and just give you .5 acres?  If interested, please call me at the payphone at the airport. Do NOT call anyone else, especially the zoning department, because those pranksters will tell you that the land isn’t for sale. But I’m saying that it is. Just give me whatever you got. Meet me at the land patch in, like twenty minutes, OK? No cops. If you’re cop, you have to tell me.


Dan Bergstein once saw James Cameron in a restaurant.

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