Jersey Wars

NEW YORK CITY – The New York City Council has passed a controversial new measure that gives city law enforcement broad new authority to stop, question, and if necessary deport any individual they suspect of being from New Jersey.   The same critics who say that Arizona’s controversial new immigration law amounts to racial profiling on behalf of the state now say New York City’s ordinance is based on “geographic” profiling. 

Pivoting off California Rep. Brian Bilbray’s contention that illegal immigrants could be spotted by the “different types of attire” they wear and “their shoes” rather than any kind of racial characteristics, City Council speaker Christine Quinn was quick to state that illegal New Jerseyans could also be identified by their dress and behavior.  “We can identify these interlopers based on things like their spiky hair, large mirrored sunglasses, overly tight muscle tees, and generally uncouth mannerisms.” 

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie deplored NYC’s new rule, saying that the law was an example of “Snooki-Smashing and Guido Grouping.” He pointed out that New Jersey residents are “hard-working” and bring much needed revenue to New York’s  bars, clubs, gyms, house DJs, hot-tubs, and floundering energy-drink-based economy.  “It’s like if you don’t look or act a certain way they want to dehumanate you,” said Jersey-rights activist Frankie “DJ Balls” Calluchio. “I am a human being and deserve to be treated like one,” said Calluchio, and added, “Jager Bombs!”

Some advocates of stricter Jersey bridge and tunnel control say the measure doesn’t go far enough.  “Sure, we can crack down on people crossing the Hudson, but others are still flooding over our border from Long Island,” said Upper West Side resident Michael West, who advocates the construction of a 20-foot concrete wall around the city patrolled by unmanned   predator drones.

The issue of assimilation was brought up by Jennifer Ingram at community board meeting in Greenwich Village.  “These new ones aren’t like the New Jerseyans I grew up with.  Back then they wanted to come here and learn our culture and speak our language. Now they just want to use our dance clubs without paying taxes, and impose their way of life on us.” Other supporters cited the increasing colonization of reality TV by the State of New Jersey, with shows like “The Jersey Shore,” “Jersey Couture,” “Garden State Cakes,” “NJ Animal Detectives,” “The BC: Bergen County.”  Experts say  Jersey-based reality television is proliferating because, according to one anonymous network source, “Those yahoos will behave crassly and offensively on television for cheaper wages, taking jobs away from New York City heiresses, real housewives, and trust-fund teenagers who would only  degrade themselves for a substantially higher fees.” 

Some in the NYC Police Department say that there are simply too many Jersey people in the city on a nightly basis to make the new law enforceable and recommend electronically tagging everyone entering the city from the New Jersey side for easy monitoring. As a response to this extreme measure, the New Jersey Chamber of Commerce threatened a total boycott of the City of New York.  Mayor Bloomberg in return gave an impromptu press conference, in which he said, “We heartily endorse this boycott and are glad to see that at last our neighbors to the west have shown some responsible thinking.”   

Will Menaker has confessed to flying out of and into Newark Airport in New Jersey.