Kindergarten Tips

By Dan Bergstein

     What can you expect during your first year of academia? Will it be fun? Will everyone hate you because you take off all of your clothes to use the restroom? Is there a God? These are the questions racing through every child’s mind on the eve of their first day of kindergarten. And so we have created the following guide. Following our advice, kindergartners will have the best year of their lives … which isn’t saying all that much, if you think about it, but still.

Dress:

     If your mom makes you wear overalls, be sure to unfasten one buckle. This will keep you “street.” But unbuckle only the right buckle, as detaching the left buckle is a sign that you’re “weird,” selling drugs, and supporting communism. This can be quite tricky, because you probably can’t  tell which side is left or right. If you’re confused, simply try unbuckling one side. If someone approaches you looking to buy drugs or some communism, you know you did it wrong.

Myths:

     Older siblings and mean uncles enjoy spreading rumors about kindergarten. Take what they say with a grain of salt. For instance, your teacher does not keep her dead twin sister’s corpse in the supply closet. She keeps it in several buckets located in the art room. So rest easy.

Things to Know:

     -Study up on triangles and the color blue before setting foot in the classroom. Mastering these subjects now will make life easier for you later. If you need help, always remember that triangles are just circles with straight lines and three “hats,”  and the color blue looks like the color green, but stronger.

     -You will sing quite a bit about farming. Don’t let these songs fool you. Farming is important, but there are many other opportunities out there. More and more kindergarten classes are including songs about maritime lawyers, anesthesiologists, and business-to-business marketing-firm associates, but not nearly enough.

     -Many people confuse lower-case letter B’s with lower-case letter D’s. You’re not alone. You can make this mistake eight times without any sort of penalty. After that, every time you transpose the letters, God kills a little dunny rabbit. Oops. Tying your shoes is difficult, but this simple poem helps:

    The snake crawls around the shepherd, and into the cave.

    He curls up in an obsequious manner while disrespecting the knave.

    He travels left, like a Scotsman, and bends forcefully moon-ward.

    He senses his brother’s biotelemetry, and his movements are deferred.

    The brother tumbles irrationally, yet ascends with arrogance towards

            disillusionment.

    The vanity of youth gives way to detestation … the makings of a malcontent.

    Tying your shoes sure is fun.

    Tug on the elephant’s ears and you’re done!

Teacher Types:

     Your teacher will be a woman, or an undercover male cop like in that Arnold Schwarzenegger movie.  It’s easy to confuse your teacher with your mom, but remember that you mom thinks you’re perfect, and your teacher thinks your lack of social skills may require medication.

Possible Answers (when called upon):

     “Pilgrims.”

Pro Tip:

     It’s called, “volleyball.” Not, “bally-ball.”

Dan Bergstein does not know that for the hitter, an error counts as an at-bat.